Dear Texas: Please shut up. Sincerely, History

[eastbaygordo]

Thinking of Texas thanks to Mark Morford.

Hey, kids! Here's something I bet you didn't know: Black people? Back in 1800 or whenever? They liked being slaves. True! Many savvy, industrious Negroes actually volunteered for that fine, desirable position. It was a completely balanced, fair, hugely successful system, until those damn liberals came along and ruined everything. I know, right? What a shame.

Do you know what else? America was wholly victorious in Vietnam. It's a fact! Kicked some serious enemy butt! Mission accomplished! Sure it was a little bumpy for awhile, but President Nixon, that great and wronged American hero, put us on the righteous path in the end, wrapped that sucker up beautifully and made America the noble Superman to the world. Hey, it's the truth! You can look it up in your history textbook!

Even more good, newly historic news: Despite what you may have heard from the liberal media, America has very much won its recent, God-sanctioned wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Angry Allah loses again! Just look at this handy diagram on page 281, Figure 4-9. See those little dark-skinned bodies stacked up neatly beside that minaret? Right next to that completely unstaged photo of the toppled Saddam statue? Look how many there are! Graphs never lie.

Did you know, back in the frontier days, that Native Americans welcomed the white man with open arms? Absolutely true. Those poor, sunburned people were so beaten down and exploited by their oppressive dictator "chiefs," they were forced to believe in all sorts of disgusting pagan sun gods and had to eat, like, rocks and snakes and stuff.

It's no wonder they greeted proud, fair-minded American colonials as great liberators -- yes! Just like in Baghdad! -- and happily gave us free access to their fields and their women and their wonderful bead-making technology, in exchange for, you know, gin and fireworks. And casinos.

Never doubt America's irrefutable greatness, kids. Our prison system, for example, is the finest in the world. Also, dirty Mexican people had no role whatsoever in the Civil War or U.S. history (except as troublesome immigrants, yuck), hip-hop music is in no way, shape or form to be considered a significant cultural movement -- unlike totally awesome Country & Western, and the War on Drugs is going spectacularly well, thanks to our fine military, numerous Afterschool Specials and the deep love of Jesus -- who, if you look really closely at those old photographs from the Bible, is clearly wearing a U.S. flag pin on his robes to go along with his friendly, competely legal sidearm. God bless America.

These irrefutable facts -- and many more just like them -- are brought to you by the Texas State Board of Education, packed like a jug of rancid tartar sauce with intellectually numb simpletons who smell like ignorance and taste like fear. The TSBE: We make revisionist brainwashing fun!â?¢

Maybe you didn't hear? The little item about how a small pod of pale ultra-conservatives in Texas has just demanded a whole slew of specific changes be made to history textbooks down in the Lone Star State? About how, in fact, nearly every change is a rather ridiculous rewriting of history and the language surrounding it, all tending to favor -- can you guess? -- white privileged capitalist males, a bitter Christian God, and a whitewashed version of history that never actually existed?

Not much shocking about it all, really. "Texas education" has never exactly equated with "intellectual range and nuance." But there's a big, ugly snag: Due to the state's huge purchasing power, the decisions of these tiny-brained ultra-conservatives could well influence what goes into various school history textbooks nationwide.

So it is that that some inbred neocon beliefs about homophobic God and gun-loving country will ooze their way into the minds of unsuspecting youth in a completely different state say, 10 years' hence, like a poison slowly leeching into the cultural water supply. Ah, Texas conservatism. It's the new DDT!

What, too harsh? I'm not so sure. Yes, everyone knows that history is slippery and spurious to begin with, all about context and spin and who's telling the tale. History is, after all, written by the victors.

What they don't usually add is how history is then revised by the politicians, gutted by the church leaders, molested by the power mongers, skinned alive by paranoid militants, poorly codified by the speechwriters and then spun, torqued and diluted by countless mealy "experts" before being shoved down the gullet of unsuspecting youth, where it is partially digested like so much liquefied school lunch meat, only to be wrongly half-remembered later in life by the most insane among them, who then quickly gets his own talk show on Fox News. And lo, the circle of life continues.

Say what you will about standardized testing, draconian teachers' unions, lazy tenured teachers, crumbling campuses, slashed budgets, et al. I can think of no better argument for mortgaging everything you own so as to afford a private/charter school for your kid than the disturbing fact that these Texas State Board mongrels might have any power whatsoever to shape young minds by way of further tainting the already wobbly, spurious historical record.

Maybe it doesn't really matter. After all, it's widely understood that, given the state of public education, children don't really learn much in school anyway. The system is so problematic and the teachers union so dangerously obstinate, there's a good chance your kid will never crack open one of these flawed, historically inaccurate textbooks in the first place. Small consolation indeed.

It's not all dire and brimstone. Prior to this ridiculous move -- and by the way, the board's revisions still have to be ratified, so there's a slim chance public outcry and a deep sense of shame at their own repellant personal politics will get them to back off -- there's apparently been a small amount of improvement in school textbooks over the years.

From what I understand, in the wake of wildly influential bestsellers like "Lies my Teacher Told Me" and the late, great Howard Zinn's "People History" series, among many others, school textbooks underwent some significant improvements in the past couple of decades, slightly more multicultural and inclusive, balanced, realistic. Not nearly as thin, lopsided, sexist, jingoistic, myopic as they used to be. Is that damning with faint praise? Maybe.

Alas, if California weren't so utterly broke, slashing education budgets and shutting down schools, maybe our fair state could launch a counter-attack, demand some reasonably accurate historic revisions in those selfsame texts. Time was when we had some killer purchasing power of our own. Remember? Yeah, me neither.

Sadly, from what I hear, California schools don't even use textbooks anymore. Or classrooms. Or desks. They all disintegrated sometime back in 1987. History is now taught by means of sock puppets, toothpick dioramas and firecrackers. And gin.

Of course, I'm completely exaggerating. The changes the Texas Board is shoving through are probably relatively innocuous, just another toxic chemical added to the already lethal school lunch menu, one of a thousand, really. I'm sure everything will be fine. Kids won't mind a whit that they're being fed heavily processed, dangerous, non-nutritive mental crap. Hell, they'll probably enjoy it. You know, just like all those happy, contented slaves.



Read more: Dear Texas: Please shut up. Sincerely, History

eastbaygordo Reviewed by eastbaygordo on 03-18-2010. Dear Texas: Please shut up. Sincerely, History Thinking of Texas thanks to Mark Morford. Hey, kids! Here's something I bet you didn't know: Black people? Back in 1800 or whenever? They liked being slaves. True! Many savvy, industrious Negroes actually volunteered for that fine, desirable position. It was a completely balanced, fair, hugely successful system, until those damn liberals came along and ruined everything. I know, right? What a shame. Do you know what else? America was wholly victorious in Vietnam. It's a fact! Kicked some Rating: 5

[RedLocks]

haha dude just the thread title made me LOL.. My 5 y/o came into the room like what's so funny? I'll read the thread after I get the last kid out to school..got getting ready to do..

[gypski]

I remember the state used to have a tourist slogan "Texas, A whole other world". That is one thing they did get right. It is a whole different world, and this bullshit proves it.

[ForgetClassC]

Shit, highschool, even in a nice area, was all bullshit. I didn't even ever have to look at the books, most of which when the teacher told you to open to a page, they also said, now at this part, its now this, because I have a newer version. Its like wtf, really? What If I didn't hear that. The only books I ever really was supposed to read though was. like we are talking about, history books. And I never did that because rather than watching cartoons or some MTV bullshit, I liked to watch the History Channel. Sometimes I learned about boats and shit, and other times I would learn about the English ravishing the Indian people and killing all who were there just to prove a point. Either way, what I'm saying is if public schooling can be replaced with TV, whats the point. Need to make one or the other better, can't have them both be half floating turds.

-C

[RedLocks]

wow I'm seeing a South Park Episode in this somewhere, read a few articles on it, just wow

[killerweed420]

The truth is no school tesches accurate history. If they did I think our suicide rate would go way up. They have to be careful what theyn teach kids in history because we have a pretty racial sordid pass. Real history shouldn't be taught until probably your juniour year. By then hopefully they'll be better able to deal with all the pain and suffering we have caused and see that there is a good side to this country.

[irydyum]

By then hopefully they'll be better able to deal with all the pain and suffering we have caused and see that there is a good side to this country.

Shit, I'm 30 and still looking to find the good side of this country. If you know where it's hiding, please send me a google map so I can visit.:jointsmile:

[delusionsofNORMALity]

Shit, I'm 30 and still looking to find the good side of this country.

when i was a small child my grandfather took me aside and told me that this was the greatest country in the world. i loved my grandfather dearly so i just smiled and nodded and walked away. when i was an impetuous teenager my mother often said that we were lucky to live in this, the greatest country in the world. i learned my patience at an early age so every time she made such a blatantly false statement i just smiled and nodded and walked away. when i was a young adult, with a family of my own that i struggled to house and feed, my mother still insisted that this was the greatest country in the world. i was angry at my own failings and often demanded to know just what was so fucking great about this country, but eventually i would tire of the argument, smile and nod and walk away.

i'm getting on in years now, soon i'll be just another old man. that little family i struggled to support just up and left one day, but by then i could hardly blame them. i've lost everything several times, gaining a portion of it back each time, and somewhere along the way i realized that my grandfather and my mother weren't all that wrong. the greatness of any society has nothing to do with its government or its laws or even its history, it is a matter of its people and their ideals.

this is a country where even an old fool like me can survive and even thrive, even though i have stood against the status quo all my life. this is a country where the individual isn't burdened with formal class distinctions and where even the most destitute is afforded a standard of living that is envied in most other parts of the world. that standard of living has bred a people more giving and charitable than anywhere else on earth, with a higher percentage of our gdp given away each year in charitable donations than any other nation. those nations that come closest still give less than half of what u.s. citizens do, even as our economy crashes down around us. we began with the simple concept that the rights of the individual are of supreme importance and, despite the inevitable jealousy and greed engendered by the success of some and the failure of others, that concept has enabled this nation to see more productivity and innovation than any in history. in less than two hundred years we became the center of the world and the one country that never shirked its responsibility to aid both its friends and its enemies.

of course we have not been completely blameless, what country can claim no sin in its past. in times of expansion and violence we decimated the aboriginal peoples of this land, in times of war we were ruthless (then more than charitable in its aftermath), in business we sought success (sometimes at the cost of the well-being of others), and at all times we made decisions that were later seen as foolish or ill advised. all these sins are inherent in humanity and, try as you might to blame this country for the ills of the world, every nation has been guilty.

[Islandborn]

Where was that post from......California? Lmao.

From your own states infamous Los Angeles Times....from a Californian may I add.

The Golden State isn't worth it - Los Angeles Times

When your state stops losing buisness and longtime residents to my state....come and talk to me. Until then.....I suggest your local elected officials start taking notes.

[delusionsofNORMALity]

the original post is nothing more or less than a condemnation of government run schooling as a whole. history is "written by the victors" and, whether it is in texas or any other state, the obvious victors in the political football of public education are mediocrity and indoctrination.