A few thoughts come to mind. First, you need to clarify your thesis statement. Second, most students after middle school learn NOT to use "I" when writing papers. Third, you cite no sources/facts/anything. If it's an opinion paper, that's fine. But it almost looks like it's a paper for 7th grade, in which case you probably are not old enough to be registered.

I get the gist of the paper, and I like the ideas in it. But without specifics on what the paper is for, stipulations, etc., can't give you much help.

One final thought (it's been awhile since I wrote or graded a paper)...when arguing a point, it can hold much more value when you can also identify the arguments against you, and refute them with evidence.