When I was your age I was too confident in life! Everything was a definite yes or no, this or that, black or white==I discovered Grey! A lot of live is grey. That sent me to years of self help groups, psychotherapy, psychiatrist and read more self help and informational books than my therapist did for a Master's in helping! I've had medication, you name it.

The self help groups, 12-steps are a model to help improve you situation. You were in some sort of co-dependenta relationship that you allowed yourself to stay in a negative relationship that took you under the dirt one fight at a time. Until you no longer fought for yourself!! I did that for 17 years! My self-confidence really sucks now. I am confident in the things that I know for a fact and my field of work! But, life--no-one really has the right answer for you. But, there are many that will help and work!

The fact you've acknowledged it and want to do something is a very big first step and you are on the right track. I question what your panic attacks are being treated with, as I know that med. you mentioned can actually cause panic attacks (not in everyone, but I have seen it first hand).

You have children and they are your first concern. If you can't take care of yourself from bad relationships, protect your children. I find, I can stand up and try to kick some ass if I see children being abused, even at the risk of my own life. It is your and all adults job to protect them. That gets your knickers in a twist, cause you need it first and now. That is what a mother does though, kids first.

When your children witness violence, it makes them a victim of violence and will effect their lives. Now, that you know you need to protect them. Protect yourself from these mean-spirited people that drag you down. If allowed, your children will elevate you and make you feel like the most important person in the world to them, because you are and until they become teen-agers, they won't be so down on you. If you are lucky, they never will be. It is difficult to balance a decent relationship, new ones and keep your children feeling they are the most important thing in the world to you.

Particularly, when you don't feel important to yourself. It takes a lot of work and practice. One brilliant man once said,' Fake it til you make it!" Bradshaw (I think). If you don't elevate yourself above everyone else and don't act like you are dirt under anyone's feet, that is a start! You have to stand up for yourself and remind yourself daily, 'I am going to keep the good things of today and let the rest go!" Don't dwell on the bad, evaluate and if you feel you did something wrong--apologize and make amends, and do better next time. It takes a real grown up to do that. Most people can't apologize for wrong-saying or doing! I believe, that is what makes us human and mature! part of it anyway!

Unfortunately, many cannot do that and may falsely elevate you to a standard they can't even achieve and there comes the rub! Bottom line, you have to live with yourself--no one else. All the time, it matters how you treat and feel about yourself. Decide who you want to be and be that person!

If you need some help, therapy, self-help group, etc. Seek it out. At the very least, some good books on self help. Provided you don't have other avenues.

People, like Rush LImbaugh are extremely confident--you've heard about him and you'll have to decide that we all have flaws, even he does. He may now admit them, since he has been 'caught'. But, he believe's his thoughts, etc. are perfect and the way of the world. That is as bad as feeling as you do! Don't use people like that and judge yourself against them.

Don't take yourself so seriously. Laugh at yourself. Admit when you are wrong and just do better next time. As said, don't lie, cheat or steal; be a good person and the rest follows, with a bit of effort. It takes time, be patient with yourself.

First time I used a swear word at work, half my staff dropped their jaws in disbelief. For me, I decided to break out of my shell of First Southern Baptist confirmation of beliefs and behavior. I regret, I missed a lot of life due to it (maybe some more cannabis).

Dont' think as what someone says as the law and absolutely correct. Sometimes, there is no right answer, accept it and let it go! Living in grey area of life isn't the worse thing in the world. But, you won't want to sit on the fence all the time.

I read posts here when there is a feud going on and I can see both sides of the argument. Often, I cannot choose, but I don't have to. So, give yourself a break and take a holiday from whatever it is you don't feel confident about the choice or can't decide, it is O.K.! Learn to love yourself. People that are the most beautiful people in the world, often feel like the ugliest and they just can't see it! You are not alone. You may not see your fine and wonderful qualities. Start looking. If you aren't in jail, your children are doing well as they can for their ability and you are, as well! Celebrate your coping! You manage to get through social services and keep your children, that is a major attribute you have! You must be a pretty good person to go through all that.

Pick yourself up and hopefully, you will be a very good example for your children. You never know for sure, you have to follow your feelings. Are you in touch with your feelings? Or, did they get hidden during the bad relationship. It is sad how people do that to others and treat them badly--with no guilt of how horrible and long term damage they are doing emotionally to others. My father was that way, mean, violent and cruel and a know it all. Problem is, when I got some education I realized he was a Hitler. My mother was a close second. I grew up thinking, "I can hardly wait until I am 21, then I will know it all!" I was so disappointed, I did not and still do not. Everything is a decision and what is right for one person may not be for another. So, I like the 10 commandments as a rule of common human decency to live my life by. I think that is the best example we can have about ourself. When others fail short, I don't judge them, I realize, they will 'grow up' one day and do better and pray for them.

Whatever S.O.B. took advantage of your love did not deserve it and I hope you know it. Please don't be so hasty in the future and make sure you have a nice caring person, for you and your children.

People can't do to you what you won't let them and today, start making that choice.

As WH said, you have a lot to pat yoursefl on the back for and do it daily! may not seem like much, but it is a big deal for you. The positive re-inforcement will free you to expound in other areas for the same. Be open minded. If you are ridiculed, ask what, why and how to do it different? Doesn't mean they are right, but when they tell you; you will realize, they are right or yanking your chain playing head games! Don't assume everyone is right except you. I use to believe what people say, because, why would they lie to me over nothing? Guess what?

My confidence level as a result of years of abuse. I am taking time for me now and healing! as prev. said. I have little expectations of myself and am allowing me this time to take inventory of the good in me and correct the bad.

I've always thought that my behavior should be something I would do in front of my mother, boss, a child and/or significant other. Plus, if I don't want it published in the paper, I refrain!

Most people that are too confident are too rich and can 'purchase it right!' Dont' judge yourself against others. Just yourself and what you desire! A good Mom!!

If you have to force yourself, you know you are depressed and there are other meds or a great Sativa to help you. Problem is, whatever you use for it, has to be done regularly. Not, just when you feel you need it. When you are feeling well, keep taking your meds. That just means they are working and you have the right dose!

Last year I cried every evening for no apparent reason, except I had a very large burden lifted. No more being yelled at 24/7. No more saying, "Do what you want, you will anyway." I now have 2 friends in my state and 2 in other states, of which I've had for over 30 years each. I stay in touch with them and feel lucky to be in such good company. My 2 in state friends are twins. They give me that little boost I really need. Example: Today I called their mom and no answer. Called my friend, and she was in hospital. I was told it was family only and the password to get in to see their mom. I've always been treated like family by Mom and the twins. When I kissed 87 yr. old mom on the forehead and told her I love her, Mom said, "Thanks, I needed to hear that!" Little things like that is what make us have more confidence. I have a great deal of respect for this woman. Over educated and college grad. More stimulating conversation than anyone. But, she has told me, over the years, the things my mom should have! Family and closeness is where you find it!

When I get as down as you, it seems my Arkansas friend will call out of the clear blue sky and say, "I need you in my life, so you need to take better care of yourself!" Hopefully, you family is and can be more supportive of you.

Depression sucks and medication alone is not the answer, our minds are complicated. Cannabis helps, but is not a cure! It helps you get in the frame of mind to do something about it (sativa). I found this more helpful than that pill you take, which I did for years! If it isn't working and you want to remain with that line of treatment, request something that will work. I was on 5 different ones. I just can't take them due to side effects-so mmj here I am. Today, for the first time in about 5 years or more, my Dr. actually saw me laugh! I attribute it to mmj, cannacom (the support and friends I hope I've made here) and doing things I WANT TO DO. I was doing what someone else wanted for so long, I no longer knew what I wanted to do . Until I went fishing 2 years ago! I started re-discovering myself and what I like!

I am sure there is so much more to your story, but this is what has helped me and I am still working on it. Life is a daily effort for those that have been oppressed!

You are starting over and have 3 wonderful reasons to do what makes you feel good doing it! Smile at other people, it is contagious and makes you feel better! Even when strangers. I was a few mos ago. Smiled at a man with eye contact. He stopped me and said, "Thanks, I needed that and what a pretty smile!" I doubt I have that pretty of a smile, but when you are blue, any smile directed at you feels good! Give what you want! Then it will come to you.

Look for and exhibit the traits you love and it will come to you. You ain't a bad person or you wouldn't even give a second thought to your feelings and doing better!

Since, your children went thru the relationship with you, it may be that they need a little uplifting and perhaps a bit of help too, to get through it and be survivors of the abuse. With help, you will recognize it before it attacks you in the future. I had 10 good years and then all of a sudden the person I was living with changed, like over-night! Then I spent years hiding in my bedroom. The person became ill with life threatening illness and I attributed it to that and made excuse's etc. By not walking out the door, I screwed myself financially big time and am working on that now. And it was just a business partner! Can you imagine. Ends up there was embezelment, etc. and I cannot even be the person responsible for discovering it!

I am not confident in my looks, my achievements (can always be better) or much else. I am confident in the fact that I know, I will always do the right thing and not beat someone when they are already down or give them problems they don't need! I am confident, if I do the wrong thing, I will realize it or have it pointed out to me and I will make every attempt to make it right and apologize for what I did, no excuse's! Live and learn.

Paranoid, when the football team huddles on the field, I am sure they are talking about me!! I now know, I am not that important!
If I drive 10 miles to the bank and on my way home I see an accident, I worry, did I cut that person off and cause that accident! I lived my life in the rear view mirror. Now, I look forward and not backward!

I have learned so much through all my books, 12-steps for better mental behavior, therapist's and my shrink. It is a life long process for a lot of us. I plan my break-downs and take the rest and isolation I need. Right now, I need the opposite and am doing things to conquer that.

I know what I am suppose to do and what is more acceptable, but the application is not always that easy. It takes thought, most of the time and somethings just come quick and effortless. Mental balance is a balancing act and takes work for a lot of us! No one is perfect and you won't be either. Accept yourself the way you are. Love yourself the way you are. Embrace yourself for who ou are. Move on from there!

Pretty much, this is what I do and work at and will until I die! Unless, my mmj level gets to the perfect one and it just takes over. As, some depression is hereditary (runs in my bloodline) and there is nothing you can do about it, except, deal with it. Which you are. God Bless YOu and prayers your way with this battle.

I do feel there are things you may not be saying which are just as important as what you did! In a forum like this, it is a bit difficult and I am sure I have written a book, for which I apologize. It is not a yes and no question. The answer is a bit different for everyone!

Take care and :jointsmile: An interesting post and will follow! Thank you!:thumbsup: