I too have been overcome with a sense of meaninglessness. I feel college has gotten me stuck into a horribly boring routine. I haven't been keeping healthy and I'm just now beginning to do something about it (including $15,000 of dental work which my parents will have to pay for because I drank way too much soda and neglected my teeth...and man does that make me feel guilty). I don't even know what I'm going to do with my diploma once I get it. All I know is I want to move to the Netherlands because this country has been pissing me off, and I don't even mind doing some crappy job once I get there for just enough money to afford housing, food and weed.

I feel increasingly alienated from everyone around me. I have no friends at school whatsoever, and no prospects of a girlfriend in sight so I just smoke weed alone in my dorm room all day. I don't even care that I don't have any friends since I'm just going to leave the country in a couple of years anyways and it would be best to not be too attached to this city. I procrastinate on all my classwork and am always sleep deprived. Somehow I've kept my grades up though (3.9 GPA for all three semesters I've attended).

I see no intrinsic purpose to my life. I am an atheist and feel all of life is just some grand chemical accident, which over billions of years yielded me, a big bag of organic chemicals arranged in a structure designed to be active for a couple of decades and then perish, becoming nourishment for other organisms. But I try to look forward to the day when I can pack up, move to the Netherlands, grow my own ganja and of course smoke their fine hashes and weeds, dabble in shrooms and peyote and such, and live my life for each moment. And maybe I can finally lose my virginity there.

But I'm stuck in college for now. It almost feels like a prison at times, holding me back from what I really want to do. It sometimes feels ridiculous, going to classes and studying all this information I doubt I'll ever use just to get some piece of paper in the end. But I trudge through. Partly because it might get me a better job someday, partly because my parents want me to, and partly because I don't want to waste all the effort I've already put in.
ermitonto Reviewed by ermitonto on . How fucked up am i? Hey im a 16 year old male (currently blazed off my ass) and i think im going crazy. I've been smoking weed almost everyday for the past year and i've done many other drugs along the way, way more than i ever expected to. In the past year i've done xanax a few times, salvia 10x alot, acid once, shrooms twice (no hallucinations, just a horrible mind fuck), DXM twice, X twice, a few painkillers, and of course alcohol on occasion. When i first started smoking weed i never thought i was going to Rating: 5