I'd say i have more of a 'fascination' with women rather then prostitutes, infact, i'm not proud at all, i think it's embarresing and shameful but it is my life. I prefer being accepted rather then being rejected. If i have to pay to take the easy way out then so be it. I'd rather pay and have sex with a beautiful women then get rejected by some random girl. Well, ideally i'd prefer being good enough with women not to go on trips like these but this is my reality at present. It's ironic, the sexual experiances are beneficial in terms of practise. However, in terms of relating to 'real' women, these experiances only take me further and further away. I guess these are only short term solutions to long term problems. Sometimes a guy has to do what he has to do, sometimes the sexual frustration builds so much it needs to be released. One can only be rejected so many times before he seeks other options. Trips like these take my mind off my current situation, makes me care less. I feel inferior to the majority of men, who find it easier to connect with women then i do. I can go only so far before it all falls apart. I feel like i missed out on my teenage years, other people were shaggin and braggin and i was being shown the hand.

I tried for 18 years the legitimate way to make love to a real women. I tried but to no avail, thus, i chose to lose my virginity on my 18th bday to an Amsterdam prostitute. Beautiful, stunning infact, she made me happy, it was easy, it wasn't rejected and i was finally 'a man.' I wasn't forced down this path, i chose it myself and accept all responsabilty for my actions. Do i wish things could've been different? Ofcourse. All i can do now is not let my past negatively affect my future. I've found the easy route to be addictive, money is replenishable. How can i put a price on happiness? 'Sometimes a fake joy is better then a real sadness' (Descartes)