Unwilling explorer into madness

[Puffzter]

First let me just say that I know I could probably solve this with a heavy indica in no time but I only have trippy weed atm and that is not helping at all and I never gave a dealer a cent in my life and wont start now.
Read if you want, for me it's more about the therapy of the actual writing than a question or a need for help. I will fight this until it is obvious I can't beat it and then get help, or until I win.
Whatever happens to me I write and when I am done I kinda like the idea of it being read by at least someone.
I did write it with a social (non MJ) community in mind but here we go anyway...

(I am Swede so don't mind the language too much)

Puffzter Reviewed by Puffzter on 11-22-2008. Unwilling explorer into madness First let me just say that I know I could probably solve this with a heavy indica in no time but I only have trippy weed atm and that is not helping at all and I never gave a dealer a cent in my life and wont start now. Read if you want, for me it's more about the therapy of the actual writing than a question or a need for help. I will fight this until it is obvious I can't beat it and then get help, or until I win. Whatever happens to me I write and when I am done I kinda like the idea of it Rating: 5

[Puffzter]

So the 7th day is starting.
6am getting close on this the 1 week marker since I slept more than 3 hours in a stretch. When does a mind truly stop working as it should from sleep depravation alone?
Well I don't know but I strongly suspect it is at a place not far away, a few more corners ahead perhaps.
Why?
Sure I have always had periods during which sleep was hard to come by but never like this week. This has been a real test of wheather or not my mind is made of glass and it's still not over it seems. 26h hours ago I woke up from a 3h nap and still there is no way in hell I can sleep. The day before that nothing and stepping even one day more back in time 2½ hours.
To be this tired and still watch the roof of a bedroom in a dark room for 4-5 hours after a 3km walk just before bed is torture in itself but add the mind altering, or rather mind destroying, exhaustion of almost a week without real sleep and you have yourself a poison coctail fit to kill.

I don't wanna give in and go to a doctor that will give me a box of sleeping pills for a few reasons.
1. I don't take pills unless something really terrible will happen if I don't.
2. I don't wanna solve something chemically if there is any other way because of a founded or unfounded fear of that making this worse put in a long time perspective.

Now, it might have to come to that anyway in a few days if I don't snap out of this as I am not willing to put my very mind on the line just to prove a point to myself. It will have to come to a situation in which I know that is actually about to happen before I will give in though. That moment in time is getting close enough by now for me starting to seriously concider it after all.

Again:
Why?
No clue. This week has not been any different from my normal ones really. I am not thinking more or for that matter less than usual. I am not more anxious than I usually am and trying to watch myself and my life objectivelly from the outside-in I am doing better than I have been for quite some time so:
Why indeed.

I feel under attack from life itself and I don't know how to defend myself. I can't fall back and regroup because the battle has already pushed me up against a wall so from here on it's fight or loose and this is a battle I don't wanna loose because I don't think I will come out as the same person in the other end if I do.

6.30am
I don't wanna go to bed again yet. It's not that I am not tired because that I can write a book about by now, the problem is that I am not sleepy. I don't wanna go to bed until I am sleepy again as 4-5 hours yet one more time staring at the celing is too much of a strain on a brain that is not really under control. I can't do that right now, not again after just coming out from such a session a few hours ago.

Writing is good.
I always wrote a lot and looking back in time that has always been the case. I write always, well not literally but as much as I need to and that's a lot.
For you who know me I suppose this is a rare glimpse into what is me at a specific point in time and for you who know me well a tale of just how much something like this can alter the state of someone in such a short period of time.
1 week. ONE week.
That is really all it takes to jump from one side to the other. A week is such a brief period of time normally, just think back yourself. What did you do 7 days ago?
It almost feels like it was yesterday, normally it does but sometimes it's an eternity. A week is nothing. A brief whisper from time itself and yet it can be everything.

Sleep is something taken so for granted that even when I myself read through what I have just written I feel silly making it out to be such a problem when it is not there.
But, depraved of it you start within days to drift away from what is you. Your mind starts playing tricks on you and none of those tricks are pleasant. Add a few extra days and more and more often you don't even realise that you are being played by your own brain.

That is where I am now and I am not really anxious to get to know what the next step is, I am sure it is not a good one.
There is such a thing as monsters, they are just not hiding under beds and in closets. They are wherever you are. Kept at bay in every normal situation but always waiting for a chance to get to work if the defences go down. Our defences are not as strong as we think. All it takes is:

One week.

[RobPA]

Holy shit... Therapy maybe?? Speak to your doctor?? Its evident you have some serious issues that need attending to, Good luck :rastasmoke:

[Puffzter]

Actually on monday I slept 5 hours and then on tuesday 9 so pretty much after 8 days I went back to normal again.
Dunno what caused it or what made it stop, strange and pretty scary though.
No anxiety problems, I use no drugs or medications of any form, except some weed which is not used daily.
A really big and pretty terrible mystery.

[zooyoo]

I enjoyed reading, cheers.

[Coelho]

Are you eating less than you had been? Usually, as less one eats, less sleep it usually has.

BTW, your report is terrifying... just some days ago i had read that sleep deprivation was one of the techniques used in prisions and that it was considered a torture... when i did read that i couldnt figure why it was so, but after reading your report i understand it very well...

Have you considered drinking some "natural" thing like some calming tea (chamomile for example) or passion fruit juice? Surely they are far better than medicine, and way cheaper too.

Anyway, i (being almost a sleep addict) sincerely hope you solve it as soon as possible, as i can imagine how awful it must be to be sleepless for long...

[JohnnyZ]

To answer your question, the mind stops working properly after about 72 hours of no sleep. It depends on your body and how much you usually sleep, so it can vary up to 24 hours. Me and a few friends tried it in highschool over spring break one year.. We all stayed up for 4 days straight and the myths are true let me tell you. It was a lot like a bad "froom" trip. We experienced mild hallucinations and found out afterwards that apparently after 72 hours of no sleep your brain starts to produce the same chemicals found in acid. Free drugs!

The best form of torture is called "sense deprivation". I was watching a torture documentary years ago on discovery or national geographic I can't remember, but I love both of those channels with all my heart. Last week we watched this documentary on tigers that was filmed BY ELEPHANTS. It was nuts man, the pack of elephants each had a big camera fixed to their trunks. And it was in HD. I was in fucking heaven. But anyways.. sense deprivation is exactly what it sounds like. Eyes, ears and nose were all taped shut, and there was just a breathing tube in the guy's mouth. Then he was put in a styrofoam mold of his body and that was taped shut. He couldn't see, hear, taste, smell, or touch anything. It only took a few hours for him to start freaking out.

[GraziLovesMary]

Ive been an insomniac for as long as I can remember. Ive gone 7 day stretches with no sleep on sugar and adrenaline and 24/7 stimulation alone. That was during my pre-intoxicant period as well, when I was just a young lad.

Madness is a journey in and of itself, and sleep deprivation only adds to the confusion of the tangent loopholes our minds can create for us. The more we question and seek to learn, the more we wonder, and the broader we attempt to perceive things. Eventually we recognize patterns that follow downwards into infinity. Everything is fractalized.

Reality is humanity. It is a concept that is unique to us; it requires our senses, our understanding of time, and our awareness of self. That is reality. Tangibility. The only thing we can truly grasp onto for comfort. But there is something else we can grasp onto that makes us human, and therefore strengthens our sense of reality.

Choice. We each have a fate that depends on our current path and the actions we take. We can choose to be bad, or we can choose to be good or we can choose to be neutral and completely unconnected, among other choices. For each choice we make, our fate alters. It is dynamic and always subject to change. Just like our sense of reality.

You can choose to stop caring about the things you obsess about and instead to begin a nightly routine that winds your body down and prepares you for sleep.

Maintain a healthy diet and drink lots of water as well. Those are essentials and if you dont pay attention to them (as well as proper breathing) your quality of life will suffer.

[stinkybudz]

very interesting about that whole acid and hallucinogens and stuff, ive gone along time with just small bouts of sleep (about 3-4 hours a night) and your entire day is ups and downs, and the downs man, its like a crash and you do trip, going a week without sleep once you hit a caffeine crash its a trip man