It's been over a week since I've smoked. When I smoked, I would take breaks every couple of months to just get my head straight, get some matters solved, lower my tolerance, etc etc. When it was willingly done, I loved taking breaks. I loved being completely sober and looking around and still seeing that the world is an awesome place. Then I loved getting together with all of my friends after a two or three week break, and then all of us sharing a blunt and some bowls. Awesome stuff.

But, this break is different. It's one that I don't feel is necessary, and it's certainly not willingly done. So, the break is a different one. It's filled with all this depression and sadness because I know that not only can I not smoke for the next 8 or so months, but I'm also not allowed to see any of my friends outside of school. I think...if I could still hang out with my friends, the smoking part wouldn't be so bad. At least then I could be around other people and have fun just by them being there. I went from being anti-social to being almost fully gregarious.

So, it's not that I'm dependent, it's just the thoughts and memories I have of all the "good times" of hanging out with my friends and tokin' a bowl or a couple joints, etc etc, ya know? Really hard to get passed the fact that I also can't go to prom now with the girl I have liked for a long time. I finally asked her to prom, and she said yeah. Now, I'm not allowed to go.

If I could just keep my personal life, I wouldn't mind not smoking as much as I mind it now.

Edit: Also, I'm never doing Zoloft ever again. Even if a doctor were to try and put me on it, I wouldn't take it. It's really fucking with my body. My legs and muscles are jittery and they can hardly be used. My teeth keep chattering nonstop when they're not clamped tight, my pupils are huge as crap and I can't focus on one object without my eyes going nutso facto and the world "jumping" in my vision. I can't sit still for shit, and I'm completely and totally indifferent. "I need to take a shower. But I dont' want to take a shower. Well, I want to, I just don't WANT to." "I need to eat something, I'm starved. But...I don't want to eat. Everything seems gross. Well, I want to eat, I just don't want to it." ETC ETC Not to mention the fact that I have severe insomnia and body temp changes. I've been up since 2 pm yesterday and I feel as if I woke up 2 hours ago. My head is also starting to kill me.....

It blows. I'm hoping this shit stops within the next couple days. I don't think I'm ever going to do another pill "recreationally" for the rest of my life.