The Joke Thread

[hunny]

heres a joke i got from a m8 today...i like it lol


A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

No, I don't."

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes
later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

[neilmcca]

anyone want to swear on holiday and be understood ? here u go = www.insults.net/html/swear/index.html

[neilmcca]

Sorry, these are very, very bad !?



Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam"

**********

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted.

**********

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

**********

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry - we don't serve food in here."

**********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and

says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

**********

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

**********

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

**********

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.

" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

**********

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly:

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

**********

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

**********

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

**********

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.

**********

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

**********

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

**********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

********

Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"



sorry, sorry, sorry

[hunny]

LOL

[Daisy420]

man and a woman walk into a building.........you would have thought they'd have seen it..!

Man rings up his boss and says :
' boss i can't come into work 2day i'm sick '
boss says :
' how sick are you ? '
Man says :
' well i'm in bed with my sister..........'

[LeLe420]

alright here's a little joke that I think is quite funny and cute.

One day a dad and his 8 year old son were in the drugstore. The dad in a hurry takes the boy down the condom aisle. the little boy stops and looks at the condom and before dad could pull him a way the little boy points at a three pack of condom and asked dad "what are those?" being a caring dad he briefly told the boy that those are condoms and they are used to not make babies. the boy thinks this over briefly and asked "well why are there three in there?"
the dad replies " well son those are for high school boys: one for friday night, one for saturday night, and one for sunday night."
the boy then notices a six pack of condoms and says"daddy daddy that box says there's six in there. Who are them for?"
the dad replies "well those are for college boys son:2 for friday, 2 for saturday, and 2 for sunday"
the little boy then spots the box of 12 condoms. "Daddy, daddy that big box there, who are those for?"
the dad says to the boy"well son those are for the married men; 1 for january, 1 for febuary,1 for march......


that's my favorite joke hope you guys liked it
LeLe420

[smokette]

How is a man like the weather?
nothing can be done to change either one of them

[LeLe420]

this one's for all my girls out there who understand

why don't women blink during foreplay?

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME!

LeLe420

[neilmcca]

Right back at ya' !!


Male Rules

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want... Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as football, food, or sex.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's
like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

More Girls' English =

Yes = No

No = Yes

May-b = No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!

" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!

We need to talk" = I need to bitch.

"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.

" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me Iâ??m beautiful.

" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.

" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

Guy's English

" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

" I'm tired " - I'm tired

" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

" Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.

" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.

" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.

" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!

" Let's talk" = I am trying' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!

" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal 4 you to have sex with
other guys.

[ermitonto]

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in Hell!

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, You're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt. Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.

Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.

Devil: All right ! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay.... you're already dead.

Guy: No Way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yeah, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horseraces, you name it. We even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.

Guy: I never played that before.

Devil: Well now you can.

Guy: Cool....

Devil: You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean...

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you want. If you overdose, It's Okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Alright! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So.... are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no....

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!