The Joke Thread

[nevertoomuch]

WHY WOMEN LIE

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the river bank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out,

The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

[neilmcca]

I'll bet there isn't a man here who can spank the monkey better than me

http://rpatrick.com/more/spankmonkey/

[hunny]

Life with a woman is like a pack of cards;

u need a heart to love her
a diamond to marry her
a club to smash her fuckin head in
and a spade to bury the bitch

sorry it this offends anyone but i like it lol

ermm ill let that one go..no more bitchin ones lol

[smokey]

I'll bet there isn't a man here who can spank the monkey better than me

http://rpatrick.com/more/spankmonkey/

highest i got was 813 mph lol

[smokey]

highest i got was 813 mph lol

im up to 847 mph now hahahaha

[nevertoomuch]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"


"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

[Lulu]

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features and if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man
doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple
and a cricket stump jammed up his arse. Further studies are expected.

[neilmcca]

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed
her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator
Shocked, she asked; "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
replied: "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing,
the daughter said; "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and
staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy. The wife asked; "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied; "I'm watching the footy with my son-in-law."

[Dope Chic]

Fell A Sleep

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made
love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep,
awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied.
He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you.
I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've
been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

[gs8778]

I love choc