The Joke Thread

[smokette]

Ring-g-g-g-g-

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, . . . is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Unc'a Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
Frank, honey."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now!"

"Uh, okay, then . . . here's what I want you to do. Put the phone
down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the
house."

"Okay, Daddy."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
flying out the front window and now she's all dead!"

"Oh my God ! ! ! - And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool . . . but
he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to
clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's
all real dead too!"

. . . . long pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool????? Is this 555-7039???"

[nevertoomuch]

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench enjoying the day when all of a sudden a flasher comes running up and opens his raincoat! The fist little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't REACH ! hahahahahaha

[smokette]

LOL GOOD ONE

[NowhereMan]

LOL GOOD ONE

finally found this one
i think is the funniest "Clean joke'

One day this old lady walks into the doctors office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all."
So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week. So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!"The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!!

[hunny]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message
>>to her
>>mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she
>>exclaimed:
>>"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to
>>my
>>mother".
>>The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
>>Anything?" he asked.
>>Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
>>Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the
>>next
>>room
>>The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
>>Come in and close the door" the man said.
>>She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
>>She did.
>>Now take down my zipper".
>>She did.
>>"Now go ahead . take it out...." he said.
>>She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
>>The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".
>>The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding
>>it
>>close
>>to her lips, tentatively said...........
>>
>>
>>Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[hunny]

Lost at Sea
>>
>>Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat
>>following a
>>dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through
>>the
>>boat's
>>provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
>>that a
>>genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement
>>of
>>Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
>>that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
>>Without
>>giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
>>entire
>>ocean into Guinness Beer!"
>>The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
>>the
>>entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
>>Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
>>Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness
>>as the
>>two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly
>>at
>>Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
>>moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to
>>pee in
>>the boat!
>>

[hichikee]

A mother and her daughter were walking together in the zoo. They were walking past the monkeys when 2 of them started going at it like crazy!
The daughter asked "Mommy what are those monkeys doing??"
And the mother just simply said "they're making cake".
The next day they were walking in a park and there was a young couple going at it behind a bush.
Once again the daughter asked her mother "Mommy what are they doing??" And the mother just said "they're making cake".
The next morning the mother came out of her bedroom to find her daughter licking the couch!
And the mother asked "what are you doing licking the couch?!"
The daughter simply replied "there was icing on the couch from you and daddy making cake"

[brix]

a little joke

a tall women met a midget at a party.the midget was barely three feet tall,butthey were attracted to each other and after a few drinks they went back to her apartment."i cant imagine what it will be like makin love to a midget,"said the women,"especially with the size difference and all." "just take off your clothes,lie back on the bed,spread your legs apart and close your eyes,"said the midget.the woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times."if you think that was good,"said the midget with a smirk,"just wait till i get BOTH legs in there!"

[hunny]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
> > > Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
> > > Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
> > > night of April 1st?
> > > Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
> > > on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch
> > > and sat down beside me.
> > >
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
> > > Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
> > > Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
> > > Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
> > > Defense Attorney: Why not?
> > > Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died
> > > some 30 years ago.
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> > > Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
> > > Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
> > > Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
> > > Defense Attorney: Why not?
> > > Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
> > > felt that good in years!
> > > Defense Attorney: What happened next?
> > > Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just
> > > laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
> > >
> > > Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
> > > Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I
> > > shot him, the little bastard.

[smokey]

hehehe pretty good tht