The Joke Thread

[stonerchron]

theres 3 poeple in an elevator. a blonde, a brunette, and a man. the man has dandruff and the brunette notices. the brunette then tells the blonde "that man needs head and shoulders" the blonde replies "i can give head but how do you give shoulders?"

[LeMuR]

Bar Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

[NowhereMan]

Yo mama''''''''s so dumb, her favorite color is clear!



You're so anal retentive, you could stick a piece of coal up there and have a diamond in a week!

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''


Big Fat Mopeds

What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun as long as your friends don't see you on 'em!

peace

[bostonaod]

a guy is leading a little boy into the woods, late at night. the little boy, afraid of the dark tells the guys he's scared!

the guy replies "YOU'RE scared? I've got to walk back out of here by myself!"

[ermitonto]

A girl says to her boyfriend "People have been telling me you're a pedophile." so he says "Isn't that a big word for an 8-year-old?"

[kevy cola]

What's the differance between your father and a picnic table?
A picnic table can support a family of four!

What do your mom and an apple have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree!

What did the blonde says when she opend a box of frosted cheerios?
Ooo, little donuts!

[Atomic Dragon]

Yo Mama is so fat
Everytime she goes outside wearing her X-Files shirt
a helicopter lands on her

[Atomic Dragon]

I sure hope it offends George W. voters.

[ermitonto]

Speaking of Hitler...

http://www.freewebs.com/palve2/Hitle..._Your_Gran.mp3

[smokette]

Q. How long does it take before a pound of bud goes bad?
A. I don't know! I never have it longer than an hour!!


Q. What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A. Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.


The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but you don't mind being wasted


Q. What do you get when you hire a stoner?
A. HIGH quality work!