The Joke Thread

[nevertoomuch]

I thought this was hysterical !

http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf

[SumSkater540]

A couple had been married for 50 years and it was their anniversary. They were sitting at the table at breakfast talking.

"You know i bet 50 years ago we were sitting here naked as jay birds," says Bill.
"Well what do you say?" replied Sue,"Lets get naked."

They remove all their clothes and continue breakfast.

"You know," said sue,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"Well, thats because one is in you oatmeal and the other is in your cofee!" replied bill.

[Lulu]

THE WALL

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi
who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the
holy site and there he is! She watches the bearded old man at
prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she
approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how
long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
For about 50 years, he informs her.
50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the
hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and
friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.

[HvyFuel]

Roflmao A++

[WeeeeeBong]

One day in class little Tommie's teacher told the class that each one of them would be asked to stand in front of the class and tell something about their father's job and what they do.
As student after student took their place in front of the room the occupations went from construction workers to doctors and lots in between.
When it came time for little Tommie to take his turn he walked slowly to the front of the class and just stood there for a few minutes with a frown.
Then in a flash he smiled and began talking.
"My father is an exotic dancer that entertains at gay strip clubs.He dances erotically and men slip money into his g-string.Sometimes if the men have enough money my dad will even go home with them for awhile."

After the class was dismissed the teacher asked Tommie to stay for a few minutes."why in the world would you get up in front of your fellow classmates and say such things about your father?" she asked him.

"I was just making it all up." Tommie answered her.My dad really works for the Bush administration but I was to embarrassed to tell them that.

[neilmcca]

Save the whale ?!

[Lulu]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is." Boy -
"I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy -"$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."

[neilmcca]

Life Explained

First God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained

[WeeeeeBong]

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."


hahahah.... i told this to my wife while she was having coffee and she spit out a mouthful at the punchline.

Kewl joke

[dizzy spells]

lets call this , the bloke joke

this guy goes to visit his wife in hospital.shes been in a coma for 2 years.
he walks into her room & looked down at her.
feeling a little sexy,he squeezed her right breast
the wife opend her eyes & murmered something,then went back into the coma.
so he then squeezes both tits together,again she opend her eyes ,murmered something then went back into the coma.
the guy rushed out to see the doctor & told him what had happend.
the doctor says , try oral.see if that does any good.
so the guy goes off back & the doctor returned 5 minits later & walked in.
how is she,says the doctor.
shes dead doc
DEAD!
how did she die.
SHE CHOKED!