Hi everyone,

Sorry for the long delay. I've been taking time to think and pray about this. I still haven't told her that I want to smoke weed. I almost told her last night; I was very close to telling her. I had a few pints at the pub and had "beer courage" going on I guess. Then I decided that was not necessarily the right state of mind to be in when I told her. I don't really have any excuse as to why it is taking so long other then that I'm just terrified. I honestly don't know whether to quit the weed or tell her... or maybe just quit for now and think about all this. I haven't smoked any since I last posted here. I'm trying to just be "true" to her in that regard. I'm not going to smoke again until I tell her. The strange thing is I'm also doing an outdoors grow right now... because I didn't want my last seeds to go bad since they are already a year or two old. LOL... how fucked up is that?

Anyway... here are some responses to those of you who were so kind as to offer me words of wisdom and love. Thank you, all of you.

Jagarr, if I did say our marriage was a mistake then that was a bit too harsh. What I mean is that we rushed into marriage, and *that* was a mistake. I foolishly believed religous zealots (who it turns out weren't even teaching me the real Bible) when they said I shouldn't fuck (or even kiss or LOOK sexually at) my girlfriend before marrying her. So in that sense... we made a mistake, or I did. But I have grown to love her as a person, and as a friend... as my wife. We just have these sexual incompatabilities that break my heart, and (obviously) some personal differences as well (as far as beliefs about drugs, etc.)

As far as my religious situation... I still am a very devoted Christian. I just read the Bible for myself now instead of letting some dumbass Southern Baptist pinhead tell me what it says. If I would've done that from the start I would not be in this mess. I take responsibility for that. Anyway... I'm not sure about divorce. You would think it would be "allowed" in this situation... but I'm not sure about that. I don't want to turn this into a theological debate, but basically at this point I would not feel comfortable in my faith divorcing her. That may be a mistake, but it is what it is. And on top of that, even if I could divorce her I don't know that I want to.

Dragonrider... I don't think I can bring this up to the counselor (the weed that is) or even allow my wife to. If she went to the counselor with it I would deny everything. I'm in law school right now and eventually will have to sit for the bar. They do a serious examination of your "fitness" to be a lawyer. They very well might get access to the records of our counseling session... or at least ask about what happened with that, etc. You would be amazed at how much some state bar's pry into candidates personal lives. I plan on lying on my bar application about whether or not I use illegal drugs. If I get caught in that lie my career is potentially over and my 3 years and thousands of dollars in law school is wasted. Counselors do not have the same "confidentiality" rules that lawyers have, so essentially my secret (weed use) would not be "safe" with the counselor. Everyone from insurance companies to the state bar examiners to law enforcement could get their hands on that information. Perhaps it is unlikely that would happen... but I'm not going to take that risk.

painretreat, we're seeing a licensed professional therapist with 20 years experience in couples counseling. Thank you for your prayers and your words of wisdom.

silky blue,
Thanks for your advice. You have very good words to say. She and I do talk a lot and spend a lot of time together. We go for walks, golf, and sail together. So yes, we do have hobbies and communicate and all that. You would think that the sexual problems would be easy given our relationship but they are not. As far as your questions... no, I don't think she orgasms. She says she "thinks so... maybe..." and... yeah, I would think she would know if she did. She was in an abusive relationship in the past and had to get a restraining order on the first guy she ever slept with. She is just filled with guilt and... its just a big mess. On top of that I think we're also just different sexually. For instance, she doesn't like french kissing or oral sex. I love it. Things like that... some people are just different.
She has told me she would leave me if I ever wanted to watch pornography, so that's a big no no. I've bought countless numbers of sexual help books... she threw out the ones that were too "dirty" (with pictures, etc.). She does like sex... don't get me wrong. I just don't like it (with her). I don't really know how to explain it beyond that. She has said she thinks she associates me with her past "abuser" and maybe that inhibits her... but then she took it back. It's just wierd having sex with her. I just don't know how to explain it. Also, she seems to not even want to have an orgasm. I mean, she'll say she does... but then she doesn't want oral sex. So what sense does that make? I would rather be having sex with someone else. I don't know how to put it other then that way. I guess I hope that this therapist will somehow "fix" her so she learns how to orgasm and gets rid of all her guilt. But then again, some people are just not compatable sexually... maybe that is the true problem. I just don't know.

TurnyBright,
I agree that the law shouldn't regulate marriage. If I had it to do again I would never get married (legally speaking) again. That being said, I don't see anything wrong with two people committing to work through any problems that may arise in the future... with the hope and faith that it will only make their love stronger in the end. In that sense, sort of the "religious" or "spiritual" sense of "marriage", I think it is a good thing. Given how strangely we went about dating (essentially we knew absolutely nothing about each other sexually before getting married) I'm just not sure if we should try, try, try, try to make this work... or just give up. I just don't know.

I guess part of me also wants to wait and see if the sexual problems get better before telling her about weed. But that could be forever. I guess deep down I love her and I want this all to be fixed. I feel like if I tell her about weed it may just ensure that we never overcome all of our problems we're seeing the therapist for.