years ago i had all of my skin removed and replaced with ballistic nylon and interlocking steel plates. i thought that would help end the pain of the slings and arrows, but it just made it difficult to pick up small objects. i then had all of my nerve endings severed, in hopes that it might soften the blows of life's sticks and stones. that only made it impossible to retrieve loose change from the sidewalk. as a final attempt at alleviating the woes of this mortal coil, i induced a twenty-three year long coma. though i did manage to slumber through most of madonna's gyrations and the clinton presidency, i still find myself subject to life's little emotional ups and downs.

the up side of the entire thing is that it gave me something to do with my free time. the down side is rather obvious.