Should I tell him?

[Hilder420]

*** READ*** OK, this is a very sensitive issue for me, so if you've got something crass to say or insensitive, I'd rather you not post a reply.

I've decided that I'm going to commit to a relationship with the man I've sort of been seeing for the past six years, and possibly marry him. I still haven't made up my mind about children, bu the loves them and is great with all of his nephews and friends kids. he wants children so badly, and i am honestly considering it because i know that no matter how much of a shitty parent i might be, he will be a great dad and hes such a good guy that he deserves to be happy, and if i can help give him that, it will make me happy. Now, he doesn't know about me being sexually abused by my step-father, and i don't know whether its something i should share with him. Its not a trust issue, i trust him completely, but i don't want him to change the way he sees me. As of right now he thinks of me as a strong, independent, fiery woman who needs no one to stand on her own two feet, which i am, but he doesn't know about how vulnerable i feel once i tell someone of my past. I don't want him to feel sorry for me, its just that by telling him, it would explain alot of my personality an my actions, and it would help for him to understand why i feel the way i do about some things. He is one of the only men i trust, and i know he wouldn't use it to hurt me one day, but i cant help but still, after all these years, and yes, i realize it wasn't my fault, to still feel ashamed. I feel that this is something that he should know about, its not a big secret, my sister, my best friend, Momma (not my mother), and y'all know, but i don't think i should wait for him to hear it from someone else. So.. should i tell him?

Hilder420 Reviewed by Hilder420 on 10-31-2007. Should I tell him? *** READ*** OK, this is a very sensitive issue for me, so if you've got something crass to say or insensitive, I'd rather you not post a reply. I've decided that I'm going to commit to a relationship with the man I've sort of been seeing for the past six years, and possibly marry him. I still haven't made up my mind about children, bu the loves them and is great with all of his nephews and friends kids. he wants children so badly, and i am honestly considering it because i know that no Rating: 5

[TheGreatBenzino]

WHOAH! first thats first i have read that fact. BUT NONE THE LESS, tell him. If you are afraid he might see you in a different way after you tell him, think of this. what if you didnt tell him and got really serious with him, like you plan on doing, and then someone tells him and he changes, then your in a worse situation. I say tell him now, so you still have time to analyze his reaction. Before making any MAJOR future decisions.

[Hilder420]

WHOAH! first thats first i have read that fact. .

what fact?

[slipknotpsycho]

telling him is really up to you... i'm like 99.9999% positive his view of you isn't gonna change if you tell him... i mean it's not like you're teling him you seduced your step-dad, while yal were still together or something..... you're already who you are and he's obviously in love, what makes you think something that 'minimal' (minimal as in effecting this relationship not saying the abuse it's self is minimal, just had to make that clear) would make him change his mind of you?

[killerweed420]

I know that for some people this a real big issue being molested by family members and its a lot more common than most people think.I would bet that everyone of us has a relative that has been molested.Lots of bad things happen to kids this is just one of them.
But I would make sure this is your one big relationship. Sometimes men can get overly emotional about this issue at first and over respond in a bad way.If your going to tell him make sure you are in a secure enviorment where you won't be interrupted and you will have the time to talk the whole thing out.

[kdspecial]

My current Gf of 2 years Has had similar problems in the past (childhood). I'm basically the complete opposite My parents stayed together didn't do drugs and there was definitly no abuse. besides the abuse that I gave them in My "I Don't Care" teenager days.

So I knew somthing was up when I first met her. I'm not the pushsy type so I let her come to me. And she did, when she felt the time was right. So slowly I would learn things that definitly helped me understand her better. In fact If it weren't for her telling me some of these things we wouldn't be where we are today. However,,, She didn't tell me in person... she typed me a letter. A few times with different things from her past. I was floored when I read them. I have always read storys like that but never actully meet somone that went throught it. She found typing it to me was much easier than actully telling me in person. So you might wanna give that a try.

Heres one thing I learned from this whole experience. I know what happened in her past childhood. The BS and horror of it all. but no matter how hard I try, No matter how much I think about it . I will never understand what it feels like. Not even for a second. And that still to this day leaves me at a loss. Somtimes I say things that are no biggy to me but to her because of those experiences its devastating. because I can never feel what she felt I have no clue. it can be hard at times.

So all im trying to get across. Is just because you tell him that stuff he will never fully undertand how you feel about it and he definitly will not understand what it felt like. But I felt it was important that I found out about the past. because like I said earlier it did help me undersatnd a few things about her better. things I never could have figured out on my own. Even very little things. Ex(obsessive complusive cleaning of the aprtment)


So you should tell him. And if its too uncomforatble to do in person Emails are great or letters or whatever. Its just another way a expression. and is alot easier for most people.

I wouldn't worrie to much about him looking at you different or treating you different. He might initally but thats just cuz he feels he might have too (guys somtimes think Girls tell us things to try and solve a problem or to find a solution). I did that for a bit and I was pretty much told I didn't have to do that right away. My GF is a extreamly strong person as well. She doesn't like much help with certin things and she isn't shy about letting me know. Its a blessing and a curse at the same time... hahahah

Just make sure you let him know your not looking for a solution or answer. All your looking for is moving foward in the relationship.

He will never understand what it felt like. Or how it effects you today or tommrow. However it will help him make his own efforts to becomming a better Husband/boyfriend/Lover etc. and add strength and stability to your relatioship. which is the ultimate goal right?

So with that go write him a letter or talk with him..

hope something in there helped.

kd_special

[silkyblue]

If your gonna "tell the past" make sure you have "alot of support"!!


some guys 'feel helpless' when they hear the 'bad past news!' guys like to be that 'night in shinnin armour'~~

tellin EVERYTHING wont, help it go away< it might help you,' carry the stone' but IT "wont go away"!

IF the story has a 'nut case runnin loose' tell the authoritys"!

other than that , as 4 me I wouldnt say a dam word,! only to bff's!

its a fresh start the past has nothing, but everything, to do, with your future,


like old bones in the closets ////////


we all got em!



rotsa ruck~~


:jointsmile:

[kdspecial]

If your gonna "tell the past" make sure you have "alot of support"!!


some guys 'feel helpless' when they hear the 'bad past news!' guys like to be that 'night in shinnin armour'~~

tellin EVERYTHING wont, help it go away< it might help you,' carry the stone' but IT "wont go away"!

IF the story has a 'nut case runnin loose' tell the authoritys"!

other than that , as 4 me I wouldnt say a dam word,! only to bff's!

its a fresh start the past has nothing, but everything, to do, with your future,

Im not sure if you mean tell him or not.. I think you mean Not and I have to dissagree with you. You even make a good point though....

"its a fresh start the past has nothing, but everything, to do, with your future"

BUT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR FUTURE....

Which is exactly why he should know. Cuz you want to better yours and his future... And It will help him Become a better man for you. You watch!!!...

Only cowards will run. You said friends for 6 yrs... This isn't the type of man to Run..:thumbsup:

Rather the man who will understand why you in the past have shown signs of commitment phobia. (I read the other post)

kd

[silkyblue]

gp,

keep that support near

some people

cant handle the truth

:thumbsup:

[Storm Crow]

If he's half the man you think he is, he will hug you and cry with you. He will see the fragile part of you and want to protect you. If you explain it right, he will also see your strength! You survived!

My own "stepfather" problems weren't quite as bad as yours, but my hubby knows. And if my stepfather ever steps foot in my house, he will have a very bad day!

If your love responds badly, count yourself luck to "have had your eyes opened". TRUE love accepts anything and everything!

- Granny:hippy: