Quote Originally Posted by delusionsofNORMALity
as an experiment, i've decided to grow my next crop using only pixie stix as fertilizer and watering them only with mountain dew. for lighting i'll be using three black candles and an odd assortment of fireflies and glow in the dark condoms. i'll let you know how it goes.
maybe i should complete this experiment in some secret underground bunker in idaho.....
.....if you never hear from me again you'll know that i have fallen into the clutches of our alien foe....
my little experiment, though fruitful in some respects, has all come to naught. after stocking up on the necessities, i secreted myself in my underground lair and proceeded to build my experimental grow. my major mistake seems to have been one of location. little did i know that the neighborhood i had chosen was particularly popular with bunker enthusiasts and i found myself constantly bombarded with visits from members of various clandestine groups hoping to borrow the odd garden implement, self defense handbook or cup of plutonium.

my first major setback was a late night raid by a group of renegade girl scouts who, planning a birthday party for one of their members, were in search of party supplies. they managed to pilfer most of my pixie stix for party favors and condoms for balloons before i brained their leader with one of my black candles (unintentionally providing myself with four candles in the process) and sent them scurrying back to their own bunker. the next morning i scoured the surrounding villages for replacements, but found such supplies had been banned by the powers that be. who would have thought that those damn mormons would have outlawed condoms and pixie stix, the former because they seem to consider it a sin to not reproduce ferociously and the latter to protect their numerous offspring from the scourge of tooth decay. so, armed with 200 pounds of refined sugar (the only thing i could find in that neck of the woods) and relying solely on my fireflies and candles for my lighting needs, i once again locked myself away to proceed with the grand experiment.

my next loss was even more devastating than the first. a nearby coven of radical satanists, finding themselves short on black candles for their upcoming sabbath, broke in and stole away with three of mine (they left me with one of the short ones). as i watched their black robes meld into the darkness i began to suspect that my experiment was doomed to failure, but still i trudged bravely on. i knew how important my discoveries might be to future stoners and that only i was capable of the fortitude needed to complete this mission.

in hindsight, i realize how delusional i was becoming as the year wore on. forced to exist on a diet of flat mountain dew, moldy sugar and the occasional dying firefly, i watched as my crop withered. as my last candle guttered and i conversed with the fairies and goblins of my ravaged mind, i finally understood that they had done this to me and that i must exact some sort of vengeance on an uncaring world. when that last seedling succumbed, illuminated only by a soggy book of matches and two flickering bic lighters, i knew that the powers of "big marijuana" had conspired against me and that my dream was at an end. leaving behind only a single sputtering firefly and the odor of decay, i abandoned my lonely bunker and staggered once more into the light of day.

i know that somewhere in this dreary tale there lies a moral, but i can't figure out what it is for the life of me. it might be the futility of pointless dreams or the even that three wrongs don't make a broken camel's back. i don't suppose it really matters, i just wanted to let you all know that the aliens hadn't whisked me off to trafalmador to perform their weird and horrifying experiments on my fragile frame and that there is still one lone hero out there laboring for the betterment of stonerkind. my next experiment consists of discovering a new high explosive derived exclusively from male seedlings. i'll let you all know how that's going, unless.....