My thoughts as of 9/13/07


I am still feeling like I just came out of the Matrix or a (false reality) everyday...at school, at home, at work... I have done some reading and its pretty much the same with what I'm feeling. The thing I'm scared of most and I am thinking about alot right now is that all of my family members are Christian/ catholic and I don't think they will accept this easily and I don't know how in the world to tell them what I am feeling or going through right now... I feel as if this is the only place... I love my family and I wish for them to experience enlightenment too. Something is even telling me that I should become a monk or something and live a life of selflessness.... I am almost in a suffering state of mind. I am not sure what to do to this point. I find it hard to socialize with people I know now like today at school when kids are making racist jokes or making fun of others I find myself laughing or agreeing approving of (just not saying anything about it) so I can fit in with them and so they won't feel as if im a freak.... The big thing on my mind is that Im attached to my family and all my relationships I have with people and I don't know what to do.... I feel alone, scared, different .... also when I feel like Im in the "Matrix" or false reality as we know it today I feel like I want to go back to the truth of this world (or the enlightened state) and when Im in the enlightened state a part of me wishes that Id just stayed in a false reality for my whole life.... Just thought Id write my thoughts down...