Gothan, you CAN change it.

My hubby is a chronic depressive- we go through this every once in a while. Here's what works for him. Trying to be happy, for him, is like trying to shift a car from reverse to drive! It just don't work!

Do NOT try for "HAPPY"! Toke a fattie and try for "neutral"! Not happy, not sad- just there. Do not act, just observe, don't let anything affect you for a while. Just see. What is happening around you? What is happening within you?

Another way to put it, is "to take one step back". Detachment hurts less than self-hatred. Observe yourself. What is creating the problem? What lessens the problem? (This is often a better question than "How do I fix it now?)

This kind of detachment is not a good or healthy long term thing, but it is more survivable than severe depression! Keep it as short as you can. From the detached state, you can deliberately (as in slowly and with forethought) start allowing emotions to enter again into your life. Allow yourself some good experiences (concert, picnic, helping others, etc).

The "neutral" setting is often difficult to find at first but it becomes easier. It is there when you need it (in other words, if you get into another depression- which you will likely do) as a kind of shelter.

You are like a car going down the road in reverse.....heading for destruction. Get your foot off the gas and shift to neutral! The world is full of beauty and wonder! I see it every day, and yes, I do get my dark moments, too. But it takes me only a little time to remember that I do not have to be on a dark path. I create my own darkness and I can create my own light, too! The light is always waiting for you- just open up your eyes! - Granny:hippy: