I feel like a horrible person...im so bummed

[WeedyBoyWonder]

But thast the thing, i dont really want Him per say. I like the idea of it. B/c its risky. But again, id never, ever do it. Hell, I wouldn't even hug him goodbye. I couldn't even really make eye contact with him anyway.

Im perfectly content with John and John only. For the rest of my life. Its just a fantasy I suppose. Nothing more.

I know absolutely fuck all about this kind of thing, maybe try some roll play with John, see if that satisfies your need for excitement and thrills.
Good luck