A question to our more socially adept members

[angry nomad]

Well, Gandalf. Those are the things I like to talk about.

Let me tell, you I have been there, and learned a lot from it. I used to be very socially awkward. Now I am confident, and can talk to anyone. It was a long process, and it took a lot of years. What helped me out:

-acting: any type of public performance will give you confidence

-reading books on communication: You Just Don't Understand was a good one.

-acknowledge individual poor social habits, then taking deliberate steps to break them.
the ones I personally struggled with a lot were these:

1. Talking when nobody's listening. I used to get overly excited when someone would talk to me, I would verbally vomit on them on one topic for 10 minutes. If they were bored, I would keep going until I was done. I learned to look for signs of boredom: (looking away, yawning, glazed look in the eye, shifting) then I would just ask them a question about themselves, or if I felt they were being rude, I just shut my mouth mid-sentence and say nothing.

2. Interrupting Ironically, sometimes it's the shy ones that interrupt the most. Also I used to have this vague feeling of intellectual superiority. Interrupting, though rude, is natural part of conversation. If you interrupt, only do it to ask the other person a question, for clarification or a detail of a story. Only interrupt to change a subject if it is making someone in the room uncomfortable.

3. Recycling old topics. I am a deep thinker, so I would think quietly on a topic for 10 minutes, then I would bring it up, even though the conversation had already changed subject 5 or 6 times. Now I just drop it.

4. Talking to people that didn't like me.
Why would someone not like me? I have no clue. Maybe I remind them of the guy they found banging their older sister on the hood of their car last weekend. I have what I call a "familiar face." (People always think they know me from somewhere.) But, sometimes, you are going to feel awkward because the other person is trying to make you feel that way because they are just an asshole. In that case, talk to someone else, or just find an excuse to completely leave. I have found it's usually a tall fat guy that hates me, or a short little fucker.

5. Not wanting to acknowledge that a lot of people are idiots. At least in my country, there are a lot of fucking idiots. My old roommate was a dull bulb. He is a very nice guy, and a good person, but he just isn't too bright. I pretty much just talked to him about chicks, getting drunk, and work... that's about it. And I lived with him for a year. Some people are what I call "3Topics". They just have three topics they talk about. Example: Football, beer, chicks. It is pointless to talk to them about anything else because that is all they talk about, and they are morons.

6. Poor posture. This is something I struggle with, and have been for 15 years. But, good posture helps a lot.

7. Eye contact. I used to look at the ground a lot when I talked to people, because I was thinking. Look at their face, and look away sometimes naturally.

8. Speaking from my nose. A friend of mine in high school used to make fun of my nasally voice, but I did not know I had a nasally voice. I thought he was just joking and making it up. It wasn't until I was 27 when a friend of mine said, "You have a nasally voice, dude." Of course I got defensive, "No I don't that's just how it sounds." Well, I learned from him it is not natural, and I learned how to talk from my gut. Also, I would constrict my throat when talking due to anxiety which makes your voice higher. I found I have a mellow masculine baritone voice when I relax and speak from my diaphragm, instead of my throat.

9. Appearance, I slowly gave myself a makeover. Shaved my unibrow and moustache, started working out, wore a little more trendy clothes. I spent extra to have a nicer haircut. I got contacts. Watch What Not To Wear or Ten Years Younger on The Learning Channel, and you will learn a lot.

10. Smell. I always keep deodorant in my car glove box or in my backpack, just in case. I also pay more for a name brand cologne.

I am not saying you have any of these problems, but if you do, some of these solutions might help.

Maybe when you feel like you "run out of things to say" the person isn't interested in that topic, or maybe they want to talk about themselves for a bit, or maybe you guys just don't vibe. So, try changing the subject, ask them about themselves, or find a way to excuse yourself. If you are at a party, excuse yourself to get a drink, food, go to the bathroom, smoke or something.

Gandalf, I have read quite a few of your posts, and you are an interesting person. Just remember that you are cool. If someone seems bored by you, more likely than not, they are just a boring person, and not worth your time.

[ReUp]

If it's a girl just let them talk and say "yea" "sweet" "Oh really?" and anything else that keeps them talking. Makes you look sweet.

[rebgirl420]

I always bring up music, the t.v., then maybe throw something funny in. try to find a common interest and build!

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

Angry Nomad, about half that stuff I do have a bad habbit of doing, that was a damn good post!

Anywhoo interesting developement, I realized just how mentally sedated I've been this past year from all the painkillers I'm on every day. So I went to the doc and told him I'm starting school and having trouble concentrating (painkillers having me stoned/sedated and all, I HATE it!) and he gave me some Ritalin to counteract it. Oh man I have SO MUCH ENERGY now and my mental capacity is working again! I had forgotten what it's like to see the world clearly, but my potential is unlocked and I'll be able to socialize so much better now. HAHAHahaha, this is awsome. :jointsmile:

Thankyou all so much for your suggestion though, this won't cure my social issues of course, it's just a huge help taking my brain out of the fog. You guys rock!:thumbsup:

[crudemood]

i ask alot of questions, whether i want to know or not, i just ask ask ask. lol

[JD1stTimer]

Something I try sometimes is just pretend I'm mildly retarded. Then I can talk about Britney Spear's shaved head and whether she's wearing a wig or she tok some new like.. medcines and stuff that could make it, like grow way more than regular hair. Like 50 times more faster for real. I heard about that stuff. This, like chinese guy from .. uhh... Japan or whatever invented it from like his chemical stuff or whatever. That's an example of how to talk with most people you meet. I know it's difficult at first, because you won't have any idea what you're talking about, and neither will the other person. But they won't notice or care.

[GraziLovesMary]

wiiiiieeeeerrrddd... so I tried posting this last night I think (or rather at like 5 in the morning) and I guess it didnt work, I was so bummed. But I went to the quick reply box and pasted it... apparantly it was still on the clipboard so this is what I had to say last night lol.

Alright Gandalf, here we go my friend: I think Coelho had the best advice so far. Knowing what to say is only half of the conversation. The other half is knowing when to allow the conversation to wax and wane. Just because the last topic died down, doesnt mean it is either over, or that it must continue. Maybe your conversator would like a moment to allow a point, or an impression from that part of the conversation to sink in. Look off into whatever scenery is present, or if there is none, look inward and appear contemplative, which will possibly mirror the others sentiments, and will give you time to think of how to carry the conversation to the next step. It will also present you with the format to make that transition smoothly.

If you and your conversation partner are facing as such that they are partially dividing their attention towards other activities or events, allow your attention to shift from the conversation to what they seem to be studying. Try to scrutinize their level of focus on the subject they are contemplating, just to get a face value for their take on the subject, then scrutinize it yourself and form an opinion about it. Lastly, either make an offhand remark based upon your new opinion, or ask her offhandedly what hers is, in a curious, but distracted manner. Great conversation can evolve from this. This method is great for starting small talk with somebody you have never seen nor met before.

The final thing to remember about the dynamics of fluid conversation is that it follows a rythym. If one person has a very fast rythym of conversation, it might not mesh well with somebody that is in the mood for a much slower rythym. Start talking in what you judge to be a neutral, or close to neutral rythym and tone. Begin to mold your format to compliment hers. It doesnt have to match or be equal or anything.. sometimes you will get softer when she gets louder, faster when she gets slower, or vice versa. (man thats not meant to sound perverted) Sometimes you will both get faster or louder at the same point in conversation... once all involved in a conversation are fully engaged, it takes on a life of its own. Topics spring from ideas that came from words that the other person spoke.

Attempting to begin an engaging conversation with somebody is equivocal to writing the blurb on the back of a book. You want to engage the reader as quickly as possible, get them excited about the topic, and convince them to read the book. With conversation, its not quite that easy. People dont want to hear pre-fabricated lines, and they arent going to stand around and listen to an entire speil if they dont know you or dont feel like it. The supplement for that is body language. Spend time in front of a mirror until you are confident that the body language that you are displaying is sending exactly the messages that you want to send.

The easiest thing to talk about, and the thing she is most guaranteed to have an opinion(and thus, a response) about is your surroundings. Observe them, be very aware of them. And form opinions about them. Decide which one is the most interesting or intriguing, or one which you can use to make her laugh.. such as to lead into a funny observation that you made either previously or right there.

Lastly, just be yourself and remember if you are nervous that doesnt mean talk more, it means talk less lol. If she is allowing a silence in the conversation.. let her have it! You dont need to fill every gap with what will quite soon be recognized as a desparate search for conversation. Be mellow and nonchallant.. casual.

Good luck bro! I got faith in ya!


I also wanted to add something that I was thinking of today, and that is the fact that I am horrible at small talk. That and the lack of body language are the biggest reasons I hate talking on the phone. However, that has not stopped me from having the most meaningful conversations in my life with the most amazing people, some of which I had never met, some of which I never expected in my life. The point is, dont let the lack of interest or ability with small talk make you nervous or get you down. Just steer or allow the conversation to progress towards something that you like but arent good at. Something you want to improve. Perhaps she knows a bit about it. Perhaps shes good at it, perhaps not. Perhaps shes not interested. Just allow it to get quiet and appear introspective as you think of something else to say lol. It really is that simple. Good luck again bro.

[hero3279]

You shouldn't have to. I'm like that. People may call it ignorance if you don't make an effort but what the hell. Why should you have to yak an talk about any old bullshit to be comfortable. Wouldn't you rather talk to someone about what YOU like and the person will understand you and like you for who you are, without getting bored.

Everyone's so hung up on this notion that we have some sort of obligation to change ourselves in order to become 'normal' in society.

Talk about what YOU want. Talk to who YOU want. And if it's meant to be, you'll click with people. Sorry if it seems like a rant but I don't think you should HAVE to create small talk. You either click with someone, or you don't.

[angry nomad]

Angry Nomad, about half that stuff I do have a bad habbit of doing, that was a damn good post!

Anywhoo interesting developement, I realized just how mentally sedated I've been this past year from all the painkillers I'm on every day. So I went to the doc and told him I'm starting school and having trouble concentrating (painkillers having me stoned/sedated and all, I HATE it!) and he gave me some Ritalin to counteract it. Oh man I have SO MUCH ENERGY now and my mental capacity is working again! I had forgotten what it's like to see the world clearly, but my potential is unlocked and I'll be able to socialize so much better now. HAHAHahaha, this is awsome. :jointsmile:

Thankyou all so much for your suggestion though, this won't cure my social issues of course, it's just a huge help taking my brain out of the fog. You guys rock!:thumbsup:

Well, thanks, a lot, Gandalf. Have you tried eating some good indicas, and reducing the painkillers? That would be nice if it worked.

[beachguy in thongs]

i ask alot of questions, whether i want to know or not, i just ask ask ask. lol

Do you always ask a lot of questions, or, just when you're not interested?