Aha! Yeah, Tranoble's da man!

Tranoble: "I strip the bottom 7-8 branches off at 10 days into Bud. They are so close together that the bottom stuff doesn't get much light. It's also easier to water."

That was what I should have done, but didn't. That surely explains the dense jungle I have, and my difficulty watering (especially the back ones). Welp, now I know why it didn't go quite as planned. Thanks, Pharm!

But yeah, I'm not just chucking it; that'd seem mighty wasteful. I'm sure there'll be plenty of smokable stuff there when it's done. Waste not, want not!