Advice on untraditional living arrngmts that can work long term

[TX Girl]

Well after 17 yrs of marriage it looks like it is over. I'm completely devastated. This is the last thing I ever wanted. I love him and always have. We've been together since I was 17 and always thought we would do it. But wtf can you do, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I think he is going through a mid life crisis and is depressed but he will not seek any help for it. So, sadly I feel that although he thinks I'm the problem, he will still be miserable once he's free.

I went on a road trip for 3 weeks w our daughter (she is 9), it was wonderful. Can you believe he laid it on me the night I got home after I drove 13 hours straight and was so happy to be home and see him. WTF. wtf WTF.


As I'm sure most of us here experienced, my parents were divorced and it totally shattered my life at the time. I cannot bear to do this to her. I refuse to rip her out of her house & school and friends although it would sure be easy to run away somewhere and start over. So my question is has anyone here been succesful at divorcing amicably? Maybe even to the point of still living in the same house for the sake of the kids. I am thinking about setting something up where he is free to do whatever the fuck he wants to but is still here so she doesn't have to be without her daddy or do the visit every other weekend thing. If anyone has suggestions towards this goal I would like to hear them.
Pardon me while I go cry and throw up some more.

TX Girl Reviewed by TX Girl on 08-21-2007. Advice on untraditional living arrngmts that can work long term Well after 17 yrs of marriage it looks like it is over. I'm completely devastated. This is the last thing I ever wanted. I love him and always have. We've been together since I was 17 and always thought we would do it. But wtf can you do, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I think he is going through a mid life crisis and is depressed but he will not seek any help for it. So, sadly I feel that although he thinks I'm the problem, he will still be miserable once Rating: 5

[birdgirl73]

Gosh, TX Girl, I'm so sorry to hear this news. That breaks my heart, for both you and your daughter.

I have two friends who are divorced very amicably, and so I know it is possible, but I think it's the exception rather than the rule. They both went through some rough patches before reaching the amicable phase. In my friend Penny's case, she and her ex live literally behind one another, a housing arrangement they deliberately established so she and her former husband could share custody easily and with as little upset to the kids as possible. In the other case, my friend lives in the same neighborhood as her ex. She and he shared living quarters for a time after they were divorced, but it was awkward and unpleasant, both because of the resentments over the divorce and also again when they both wanted to begin seeing others socially. They're happier in two separate households now, but I'm not sure the same thing can be said of the kids.

Good luck to you, Tx Girl. I know this must be a heartbreaking time for you. Is there any hope he'll come to his senses and do what's best for your daughter? Maybe do some counseling before throwing it all down the drain?

[TX Girl]

Thank you BG, I am glad to hear it can be done, i know it will be hard. I dont yet know how to put aside my resentment and anger at him, but if any good thing came from my parents divorce it was seeing what not to do so that is somewhere to start.

They're happier in two separate households now, but I'm not sure the same thing can be said of the kids.

yeah, that's what I worry about. I can already tell that my daughter is going to be a handful as a teen and I don't want anything helping her along a bad path. I just want her to be happy and feel loved even if I have to be miserable for a few years. It goes so fast anyway.

I doubt he will go to any counseling with me or alone, despite my urging. I've tried to be as supportive of him as I can, and he just wants to wallow and blame me for a lot of it. Not that I'm a saint by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just more optimistic I guess and he's the Eeyore. I hope he will get help and turn this around, but then I fear I will always think he is waiting for dd to be grown and then he will leave. and I'll be 10 yrs older and feel even dumber than I do now. gag.
Thanks for caring, BG <3

[higher4hockey]

my parents got divorced when i was younger. one thing they did that drove me bonkers was talk about the other one to me. don't do that.


sorry that had to happen to you. sometimes bad things happen to good people.

[TX Girl]

Thanks, H4H
yeah, I remember how much that sucked, I wont do it to her. I also hated playing messenger. and I hated that i was supposed to pretend that everything was ok and golly gee arent we all happier now? hell no, we werent. My parents still cannot be in the same room together and it's been 30 years since they split.

oh well. sometimes life just sucks. My heart hurts like someone I love just died. I'll feel sorry for myself for a few more days and then I better get a plan or two together.

I haven't been dumped since 10th grade I dont remember what to do. Should I go listen to Time After Time over and over again or what? j/k

[da dubs]

HIYA....poor you going tru this nightmare time,,

Hear is what we did,,we seperated a couple of years ago,,i had no where else to live,so joanne kindly agreed to let me stay on the sofa,as long as i was up befor the kids,and we stopped fighting..
now it did not take the kids long befor they knew something was up,but we explained what was up,and told them that we would keep them informed if there was going to be any changes,,,
We barley spoke for a few months,but that was better then fighting all the time,,Anyways,,after a while we started to speak to one another again like we use to,as we communicated,we got to know where the other was coming from,and relised that we still had alot in common,,
I dont know how or why but this saved our relationship,and we are still together,,
i wish you every success,and happiness.. :hippy:

[13thirteen]

TX Girl, you have to do what is best for you. I'm not saying that you should not do what is best for your daughter it is just you have to be OK yourself in order to be there for your daughter. If you and your husband cant work this out, than you need to prime your daughter for the inevitable, she will heal. Many people divorce and the children end up fine. Living with your estranged husband does not sound healthy for anyone involved. I wish you the best of luck!

[IThinkIamFeelingit]

Damn,,I just came across this thread...sorry to hear of everything TXgirl...sometimes relationships just suck...try and keep it as chill as you can for your daughters sake...if you hear of him talking shit about you to her,,confront him on it and ask that he please dont do that and that goes for you to..peace to you

[rockzee1]

i am living in a special situation, although we decided not to divorce till our daughter is in high school, i am living in same house and he supports daughter and we both share in the raising of her..we both came from divorced familiesand wanted to be there for her....although it is not for everyone it works for us....hope u find the strenght to forge ahead, and it always gets better day after day

[LoveStoned]

my parents got divorced when i was younger. one thing they did that drove me bonkers was talk about the other one to me. don't do that.


sorry that had to happen to you. sometimes bad things happen to good people.

OMG I am so happy I wasnt the only one that thought it was retarded of them to do that.
I hated when my dad clled my mom a home wrecker or my mom called my dad a low life..
Sad thing is it kind of made me grow up to expect very little of both my parents.
My parents divorced when I was 5 and they put me through hell at that age. My dad was very violent and my mom was very independent and had no problem walking out on my dad. Not to say she didnt have a good reason to walk out but she didn't take me with her and well my dad then wanted to keep me from her (I went almost an entire year without seeing or talking to my mother.) causing a strain in all three of our relationships.
I think your a very strong woman for wanting him to stay in your house after the bomb he dropped on you upon your return from holiday. I honestly think this would be the wrong thing to do. you have to move on with you and your daughters lives, don't stop her from seeing her father when she wants or spending the night at his place (if it is sutable for a child) when he moves out. Don't push him out of her life but I dont think you should keep him so close to yours.
But that's just MHO.