I dont totally get what your saying but I sorta do.
I think maybe in a sense your actually being confident even though you think you are not. You see your seeing your future.The things you want. You are able to realize that you can complete the things you want to accomplish without being a kid about it you dont need your parents help anymore to make a decision. You have the ability to try and do good and right

And when your smoking and you start feeling like your gonna have a bad trip remember that you wanted to do this you know theres nothing to be scared of or feel bad about. Just let it settle and drink some water