So why do parents do this?

[crudemood]

My parents lately have been really getting on my nerves. I'm going to foccus on my dad. It's kind of long but something is really bothering me about my father lately.

He's a middle aged man, he survived the vietnam war. And came all the way to Canada to live a new life. He's always been a dad whose always liked the control he had over my life as I grew up. Everytime I went out, I hardly went out, maybe once a week or two weeks he's always saying "Why are you always going out? You never stay home.. etc etc". When I speak up to him its suddenly 'talking back' because I've stated my opinion because 'back home' girls were supposed to do what they were told. He was speaking to me once trying to have a 'conversation' with me and wondered why I never just shut up and just listen to what people say and accept it. Now when I say conversation its him speaking down to me or in his words 'I'm trying to help you' and I know its just another attempt to control my life. I'd get so angry but I knew it would just turn into a pity party about how he's done so much for me and that I never listen to anything he says because he is so wise.

Lately He's always been complaining about EVERYTHING I do. I was washing the dishes he was telling me how I wasn't properly washing them without reason. He also, while watching to tv, turned around to me asked me why I hadn't become a doctor? He looked at me told me how fat I was and said I needed excercise. I didnt respond because what do you say to something like that? Then he said it again! He criticizes me and expects me to be something great in life at the same time he doesn't think I can do anything. He never ever taught me how to drive a standard car because I was a girl. The whole 5 years he had the car he wouldn't teach my sister or I how to drive it but as soon as my MALE cousin came along asked to drive it, he didnt even hesitate. He breathes down my neck doesnt give me my space to make my OWN decisions. Everytime I make my own decision about something he'll find ONE way to shoot the idea down. For example for fathers day my sister and I went through alot of trouble finding a Hammock stand for the hammock we got him maybe a week. We set it up put everything in place for him for when he came home. The only thing he said about it was, its going to get wet you should put it away before it rains.
When I made a decision and went ahead and bought my guitar, his first words out of his mouth were 'wow you spent all that money on that guitar, you couldve spent it on somehting else. how come you never think of these things.'

He told me he wanted to help me with my life and I asked him how? His answer to me was to give me money if I ever needed. I thought this was all good but I asked him what else? He didn't say anything.

I've gotten to the point where, I dont react to him anymore. Nothing I say or do is good enough for this guy. I just sit there staring blankly at him because in the back of my mind he's failed as a father, emotionally.

crudemood Reviewed by crudemood on 07-26-2007. So why do parents do this? My parents lately have been really getting on my nerves. I'm going to foccus on my dad. It's kind of long but something is really bothering me about my father lately. He's a middle aged man, he survived the vietnam war. And came all the way to Canada to live a new life. He's always been a dad whose always liked the control he had over my life as I grew up. Everytime I went out, I hardly went out, maybe once a week or two weeks he's always saying "Why are you always going out? You never Rating: 5

[fackfackfack]

You honestly remind me a lot of myself... My father acts in this very manner, basically all the time, and you have to tell yourself, it's not your problems, it's his. There's no need for him to verbalize his thoughts, probably coming from some other anger, not even from you. You just have to remind yourself it's not you, and he really does care about you, he just shows it in a very harsh way. He's your father. He loves you, and you cannot forget that!

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

That's some pretty harsh attitude he has toward you Crudemood, almost like you're the "big disappointment". And that doesn't necessarily mean you are, but obviously he has such a clear picture in his head of what your life should be, he won't even let you figure it out yourself.

I think you should say to him that the only way you're going to learn how to run a life, is to be allowed to make your mistakes and learn from them. Nobody becomes a successful and independant person by having somebody else order them since they have it "all figured out".
And tell him, strait out, that he constantly belittles you and won't let you have an opinion. Point out that it doesn't even matter if you're "right", if you want to buy a guitar or take karate or become an artist, whatever, it's your right to explore that avenue and find out for yourself what comes of it.
Or heck, just show him this post if you don't want to speak up, or can't.

[birdgirl73]

Real sorry you're going through that, Crudemood. He doesn't know how to be supportive, it sounds like, and instead reacts with criticism and control. My guess is he sees you slipping away/growing up and it scares him and he doesn't really know how to deal with that directly on his end. So instead he converts it into the criticism and control and directs it back at you. That has got to be awful.

[Storm Crow]

With me it was my Mom. Bipolar and alcoholic. Hang in there! You will survive and be a better person for it! YOU will never put another person through what we have both experienced! You will break that chain of abuse, and yes, it is abuse, psychological abuse! And it can leave scars. Although intellectually I know I am competent, artistic, and brilliant, I am never sure if I am good enough, smart enough and talented enough! As a result I am an over-achiever (wait til you see my post on the 30th- you'll see what I mean). I paint, sculpt and quilt. I graduated from college with honors. Yadda, yadda, yadda... The thing is, you can take these bad experiences and turn them around to make yourself a better person. Be who YOU are, not who someone else expects you to be! - Granny:hippy:

[Nocturnal Stoner]

Sorry to hear that, I have some experience, I'm the disappointment in my family, I always get shit like, "-------- you'll never be anything" and "what do you think your going to when you're older" patronisingly, and my favourite, "soon you'll be out of this house" all by my dad, love him to bits but gets on my tits, I just be normal talk back to him try and prove my point at which he gets pissed off with similarly with yours, strange isn't it.

[Mississippi Steve]

Easy enough, when he says your not doing something right, tell him to show you how *he* wants it done. basicaly, without actually saying it, let him know that you just following his example. Is he an upstanding member of the community?? Is he a doctor??
What kind of example does he set for you??
Don't be a smartass about it either.... that will just piss him off.

[ProGroWannabe]

My guess is he sees you slipping away/growing up and it scares him and he doesn't really know how to deal with that directly on his end. So instead he converts it into the criticism and control and directs it back at you. That has got to be awful.

Right On birdgirl! Thats exactly what I was thinkin too.

[cashflow]

My dad is quite similar, wasn't in a war or anything but he has some sort of mental illness. Yells at me cause i never talk to him but whenever I do he yells at me for talking back. Tells me to spend time with him but whenever I do he seems to be hostile towards me, never happy. We just have an aweful relationship, hopefully after I move out we can start to straighten things out but I don't think i'll see any progress until then. The part I hate the most is when he calls me lazy, now don't get me wrong I am lazy but he is such a dick about it and overuses it. Lets say I don't throw something away for a day, he will bring it up all week. Also always talks bad about m in front of relatives, hardly anything positive

[birdgirl73]

If it helps--and I know it doesn't do much, but I hope in some way this'll be a comfort--parents who do that constant-criticism/name-calling thing are expressing a whole lot more about how bad they actually feel about themselves than about how they feel about their kids. It's a damaging and indirect way to deal with their own issues, but that's what that's about. Hope you can get away from that soon, Cashflow, and get some loving, supportive, good folks in your life. Then when (and if) you have your own kids, I hope you can break that cycle so history doesn't repeat itself.