Feeling detached

[dancerat]

21 is so young! Oh, I wish I could re-live those years again (but only knowing what I know now, and with my current career and savings, haha). I think you are going to go through a lot of "numb" times for the next ten years. Life doesn't really kick in with rewards I think, until you are in your late 30's early 40's - everything else is just sort of figuring out who you are and what you like to do. Plus, who says that feeling peaceful and detached is bad? Maybe you should enjoy this now, because when you get older and have to be all grown up, you'll look back and go "wow, I should have lounged around and felt nothing a bit more!"

[IanCurtisWishlist]

The detachment you are talking about is called "Depersonalization" , or maybe even "Derealization" in some instances. Depersonalization is the sense that you are not really human. Derealization is the sense that the world around you seems distant, dreamlike even. It is often found to go hand-in-hand with "anhedonia"-- a lack of ability to find joy in things once found to be pleasurable. Usually this is a symptom of depression. Don't trip--hormones are ever-changing when we are in our 20's (which is why I can empathize, I often feel this way). If you study pharmacology at some point you might find out that hormones and chemicals in our brains are responsible for the majority of our emotions. How else do you think a THC molecule could alter our consciousness so radically???

Bottom line: It's all chemistry (not to trivialize your feelings).

[Trip06]

Man I Feel for you people, I have some major dissociation going on right now too. Ive had a couple rouf years going through some bad depression after I quit my job and got a bunch of tickets. Basicly my life went to shit, So I totally felt worthless and tried to die. Well anyways after lots of spaceing out and shit from delusionment People would just fuck with me all the time and I felt like I couldnt go anywhere without being thought a nut. I was practicly psycotic so I isolated myself a lot. When I did get out Id be so spaced out from being distraut people would just give me more shit so I got really insecure. Id worry about how people where going to think about me. I got on benzos but sence I like to get really high Id take more than what I need puting me in lala land. I tried slowing down and taking things easy, starting small, trying to think rationaly. But Ive always had a shitty self esteem so I started drinking. Thank god my family was around or I wouldnt be here. So sence weed was making things worse for me at that point I had to quit, after all I was smoking way too much. It just added to the parinioa, insecurity, disliusionment,. I Tryied letn go and just relaxen but I was broke and I basicly pushed all my friends away. So sence being bored and alone made things really bad I just kinda stopped caring. I went to my side jobs which I was working to pay off my fines and a lot of outstanding bills and just came home. Things were really rough being boerd, but I was becoming more stable. I still dont feel apart of reality, but most of that is due to the fact Im not getn out. Its gonna be along time b4 I can get back to enjoying life. I gotta pay of some tickets, then turn myself in, go to jail, get out and get a job, then get a new life and friends. Lately Ive been getting high no problume, It deffinetly has been improving my mood. When I can smoke In a comfortable setting and enjoy in peace its a major uplift for me. I dont get all freaked out and uncomfortable. Damn that was a lotta typing, anyways yeah I guess Im more responcible with my smoke now.

[Grade A]

dancerat: Aye, I'm 21 as of Thursday. I'm off to university soon, just to try something new, so we'll see how that goes.

Canuckofithaca: Sometimes I'm happy. I've noticed lately that I've been having huge mood swings, set off by what would normally be insignificant events. I think I can get free counselling through my mum's job benefits (whenever they kick in) so if things don't perk up after I've been at school for a while I'll definitely take advantage of that.

Ganj: You're probably right. I've just been finding it hard to look on the bright side of life lately - I know it's there, waiting for me. Hopefully after I move things will get better, right now I feel like I've been stagnating for a few months and I need that change desperately.

I was in the same situation a few years ago. IMO, it's completely normal. Everyone goes through down times.... look at Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton!

Anyway, I was 18 heading out to Colorado for the time of my life... I was going to school, gettting a nice apartment in the place I always wanted to live... then shit hit the fan. The apratment was too far away from the school and I didn't have a car so I had to move in the dorms. Then, I got stuck with all night classes as an 18 y/o freshman... All my roomates were gone during the day and I just sat around and sulked. I started to miss my friends and family... what probably made it worse was the fact my roomate would stay up until 4am play games so I couldn't sleep and refresh myself... and I was broke. We'll a month later I dropped out and came back home... something I've realized that might have been the worst decision of my life. I started to hang out with my old friends again. They were becoming losers and druggies (hard drugs not just mj) as was the small town way. I was working 9 hour days, 5 days a week. I had money again, but I started partying hard, drinking, and doing drugs. I eventually got arrested one night tripping. I was becoming depressed with my current state becuase I knew I could be doing so much more with my life. A few months went by and I realized I had to do something. That was the turning point. I decided to go back to school at 21. Unfrotuntaley, I kept coming back home on the weekends for the first year to work. I'd hang out with the same old group of people. They'd always being partying and stuff. It was really draining. At 22, I decided it was time for a change. I was always tired, unmotivated, and my self-esteem was horrible (something I've always had a problem with.. but I think I have realized why now that I'm a bit more mature). I wanted to get healthy. I had to cut off my ties with those same friends. It was hard at first, but I think it was the right move. It allowed me to become myself, not whom they were becoming. I started working out and running 6 days a week. Now, I'm 24. I still get down feelings once and a while, but I find they are easier to cope with as you get older. It seems like I have an easier job realizing what is affecting myself.

It really helped with my psyche, because I kept myself busy, but it was not as mentally and physically draining as my previous 4 years.

I hope with my story I could give you some inspiration. Things will get better. You seem like you're on the right track. Good luck.