Quote Originally Posted by Storm Crow
Seriously, you need to talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest, whatever! A trip to your regular doctor might also be in order- just to rule out brain tumors, strokes and other neurological problems that can cause changes in personality. And how's your diet? A lack of "B" vitamins can literally drive you crazy! They are cheap, incidentally. The Dollar Store usually has a month's supply for a buck, Walmart is about the same. That being said....

Choking your friend was bad, but I do not believe you when you say you didn't have any feelings about it after you choked him. If you felt nothing, you wouldn't be talking about it! You say you threw your friend out of the house. I see it a bit differently. Although you were out of control, a part of you knew it, and removed your friend from a dangerous situation. Nor did you choke him to death. You stopped! You are not absolutely "gone". This incident bothered you. There is still that good person inside you.

You have not lost your soul! It is there. You are like someone who has closed his eyes and says "The sun is gone." Your soul is immortal and good. When you "open your eyes", you will see that you are still the same person that you were before- kind, loving and caring.

Each of us fights the fight you are in now. In big ways and in the tiniest of ways, we all make the choices that define us. The fact that you are asking for help, says there is hope! I wish that we could talk face to face and maybe I could be of some real help. (I have a lot of life experience- a nice way to say I'm almost 60 and have been through a lot.) But hon, there has to be someone you can talk to! Keeping it all bottled in, only makes it worse. Talk it out, write it out, express it in art- but don't let that darkness sit inside you to rot and fester!

I know exactly where you are coming from. My "dark side" is pretty scary too. Without going into details, one time when it came out- my hubby saw who I can be. He said I scared the hell out of him. He walked on eggshells for weeks and was really spooked by me. But although that "path" is available to me, I choose not to walk it. Like you, I can see where it leads.

If at all possible, get out of the city, even just for a few hours. I find it easier to get in touch with my "higher self" (or whatever you want to call it) when I am in a natural setting, without other people.

With a little help, you will find your way back to who you are supposed to be. Peace be with you, - Granny:hippy:
You are right. It does bother me, even tho I don't want to admit it. I just done it enough times, it's like here we go again with this emotional roller coaster.

Peace be with you! At least you made me feel like I am human after all.

And I don't have anyone I really can talk to about what I go through. That's why I bottle everything up. That's why I have cannabis.com =)