I Am Evil

[thcbongman]

Our brains show us a movie of futures events that may or may not happen. Some of the movies run over and over and we feel that we are being drawn more into that world. A thought that we are going to lose control and do something we will regret can become a self fulfilling prophesy. If you see yourself in your mind going banzai on a stranger and you know that doing this will lead to bad juju then that doesn't seem like a very good movie to play in your mind. I like to play movies of me and Nicole Kidman getting jiggy with it on a desert island. Then Nadine from girls aloud turns up and her and Nicole are totally up for a threesome... then... well I think you get the picture. You are the director of your life.

I think you made a great point.

But I also think about gettin' jiggy with it with multiple women at once. But naw, that hasn't happened tho! But then again, this is a great idea. I have to focus more on thinking along this line!

thcbongman Reviewed by thcbongman on 07-18-2007. I Am Evil Recently my mind is becoming more twisted by the day. I am convinced one day, I'll be on death row for murder. My explosive temper has taken over, and I am in a constant state of anger. I am starting to lack basic emotions, and empathy. I just feel cold, and void. I lost all connections with others except my twisted mind. I don't feel, at least not in a way I remembered. I am fucked up. Completely. I choked a friend the other day. I was impatient, and he was slowing me down, Rating: 5

[bhouncy]

Small youtube vid to highlight evilness.

[bhouncy]

I think you made a great point.

But I also think about gettin' jiggy with it with multiple women at once. But naw, that hasn't happened tho! But then again, this is a great idea. I have to focus more on thinking along this line!

Another one I do is I'm on a space craft going to a new world to discover something I've not yet imagined. I lead an expedition team on the surface and create the kind of wildlife and vegetation as I go along. I find a new spider and just as I go to take a sample lasers come out of its arse and deflects off my body shield. It rushes off into the undergrowth but we run after it and trap it in a flotation containment unit. Just as we are drawing it towards us it lets out a screech and from all around come rushing thousands of black red and green spiders squealing in high pitched tones. And well.. it just goes on and on until I get bored and have sex with Josephine the navigator.

Having a creative outlet is a positive way to lower tension.

[thcbongman]

Seriously, you need to talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest, whatever! A trip to your regular doctor might also be in order- just to rule out brain tumors, strokes and other neurological problems that can cause changes in personality. And how's your diet? A lack of "B" vitamins can literally drive you crazy! They are cheap, incidentally. The Dollar Store usually has a month's supply for a buck, Walmart is about the same. That being said....

Choking your friend was bad, but I do not believe you when you say you didn't have any feelings about it after you choked him. If you felt nothing, you wouldn't be talking about it! You say you threw your friend out of the house. I see it a bit differently. Although you were out of control, a part of you knew it, and removed your friend from a dangerous situation. Nor did you choke him to death. You stopped! You are not absolutely "gone". This incident bothered you. There is still that good person inside you.

You have not lost your soul! It is there. You are like someone who has closed his eyes and says "The sun is gone." Your soul is immortal and good. When you "open your eyes", you will see that you are still the same person that you were before- kind, loving and caring.

Each of us fights the fight you are in now. In big ways and in the tiniest of ways, we all make the choices that define us. The fact that you are asking for help, says there is hope! I wish that we could talk face to face and maybe I could be of some real help. (I have a lot of life experience- a nice way to say I'm almost 60 and have been through a lot.) But hon, there has to be someone you can talk to! Keeping it all bottled in, only makes it worse. Talk it out, write it out, express it in art- but don't let that darkness sit inside you to rot and fester!

I know exactly where you are coming from. My "dark side" is pretty scary too. Without going into details, one time when it came out- my hubby saw who I can be. He said I scared the hell out of him. He walked on eggshells for weeks and was really spooked by me. But although that "path" is available to me, I choose not to walk it. Like you, I can see where it leads.

If at all possible, get out of the city, even just for a few hours. I find it easier to get in touch with my "higher self" (or whatever you want to call it) when I am in a natural setting, without other people.

With a little help, you will find your way back to who you are supposed to be. Peace be with you, - Granny:hippy:

You are right. It does bother me, even tho I don't want to admit it. I just done it enough times, it's like here we go again with this emotional roller coaster.

Peace be with you! At least you made me feel like I am human after all.

And I don't have anyone I really can talk to about what I go through. That's why I bottle everything up. That's why I have cannabis.com =)

[Sir Raf of BONG!]

Man I've been there before and it took me alot of shit to get out of it, but in the end it came down to thinking about why I'd get pissed off all the time. Before I realized it, I was smoking bud and eating shrooms and just going on the biggest trip of my life when all of the sudden I just realized that I had nothing to be pissed about. Probably the a pointless story but ever since, I haven't really had any fits of anger. You sound like you're relatively normal for the first part, but maybe there's still something in you that just needs to break some skulls.

For me, I used to deal with it by punching on my wall till my knuckles bled, but obviously that wasn't the best way to deal with it. Eventually it was more about music, bud, and self-reflection. I'm sure you'll figure your shit out, recognizing the problem is a good first step man.

Anyway, back when I had a real bad anger problem, I remember one thing a friend told me that really calmed me down, about how man's evolved from survivor to what we are now. She was telling me about how men were usually more overprotective then women and shit like that because that's what we evolved from. She'd also tell me about the natural rush of the hunt and how we don't get that nowadays because we don't really struggle to survive. Everything's around the corner so things pretty much fall on our laps these days.. anyway it used to calm me down reading about primitive man and the struggles they faced. Maybe you've just got a wild caveman spirit living in you that needs to hunt something down and rip it up and cook it over an open fire so you can impress the hunnies with facial hair and bang on that prime-ape junk like evolution depends on it.

okay i went off on a tangent there but theres my two cents for ya man

Good luck :jointsmile:

[Thepossumdance]

awesome tangent ^

[LuckyG]

I've felt the same way off and on for the past decade. I don't really know if I have anything new to tell you, but here are my thoughts.

Venting helps. Definitely. And not just typing, I find that I have to say it out loud, so if I need to I'll talk to my dog or myself. It gets it out of your head, and you can go about your day without having it bouncing around in your mind.

Identify your faults. Don't punish yourself for them, but identify them and then think about whether you would like to change, and if so, how you would like to change. Set goals and work towards them. Two months ago I was angry, depressed, and saying a lot of things I regret to the people that I love and who have helped me the most. I saw what I was doing, and I didn't like it, so I decided to change myself. I picked up the ganj after a four-month hiatus, smoked a lot, and did a lot of self-reflection. I figured things out, took a break from smoking a week ago, and now I am happier than I've ever been and have not only mended but improved my relationships with my friends and family.

Confront your fears and limitations. A year ago, I was too shy to talk to strangers, especially girls. So I made myself go hang out with these two girls who took their smoke breaks outside. It took some time to get used to it and iron out the kinks in my social, but now we're great friends and I have very few problems talking to strangers anymore. I've pushed myself into a lot of uncomfortable situations, slowly working my way towards being "normal", and it took a long time but was definitely worth it.

Surround yourself with people who will support you, and get rid of the people that drag you down. This can be hard to do, especially in a work environment, but you can probably clean up your home relationships a bit.

If someone pisses you off, find out something silly or embarassing about them. The next time you get mad at them, just think of this (to yourself) and quietly laugh them off. My boss is a critical prick, but when he was in school with my mum he used to light his farts on fire to amuse his classmates. It's been hard to take him seriously ever since I found out about that.

And remember, stuff might look dark now, but who knows - maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month everything will turn around for you all of a sudden. Life can do that.

I'm also going to recommend you read The Four Agreements. Actually, I'm going to recommend that everyone read it, it's a great book with a few simple ideas to teach:

- Be impeccable with your word.
- Don't take anything personally.
- Don't make assumptions.
- Always do your best.

Try those on for size and see where they take you. Good luck! :jointsmile: