I Am Evil

[thcbongman]

i'll tell you what everyone tells me <.<;;; (yes i do pay attention to what everyone here tells me)

do some meditation, it might help.

does it have any triggers? or just random? does it happen relatively at the same periods, or again, completely random? are you happy with your life atm (mostly social... like do you feel as if you're being ignored, shunned or taken advantage of?) do you have friends/family or are you mostly a loner?

I don't know if random is the right word, but it's the closest thing I can define it. It's happens only for the littlest of things, and mostly I'm feeling a bit of stress, but I'm not feeling pissed. Otherwise I'm perceived as even-tempered. I can deal with the most volatile of people, and I can take a lot of abuse before feeling even a bit of anger.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being ignored. But most of the time, it means little to me. I have been taken advantage off in the past because of my kind nature, but now I'm careful about letting people know things about me that they could use to their advantage.

I have a very close immediate family, and a few close friends. Most of the time tho, I am alone.

thcbongman Reviewed by thcbongman on 07-18-2007. I Am Evil Recently my mind is becoming more twisted by the day. I am convinced one day, I'll be on death row for murder. My explosive temper has taken over, and I am in a constant state of anger. I am starting to lack basic emotions, and empathy. I just feel cold, and void. I lost all connections with others except my twisted mind. I don't feel, at least not in a way I remembered. I am fucked up. Completely. I choked a friend the other day. I was impatient, and he was slowing me down, Rating: 5

[Xhoshi]

My advise would be to take a big break. by yourself.
Separate yourself from society for a bit and go camping or something.

I was in a similar state of insinuating anger a few years back.
My parents sent me to Korea. When i got there, my uncle took me on a 3-day hike up this gigantic mountain. I had all the time i needed to spend by myself in complete isolation in wilderness, just wandering and thinking. It did wonders for me and I felt completely different once I got down that mountain.

[slipknotpsycho]

well that's odd... i mean only blowing up over the simplest things, but big things you're fine with....

see i had an idea of what might be wrong, that you're feeling ignored and left out of everything/taken advantage of and now you're blowing up because you're not demanding the attention from those who care, or standing up for yourself....

but that can't be it as you said you're careful now, and you have a very close family/friends... and by loner i just meant like, are you fully alone in the world just about, or is there usually people around you or people you talk to...

i'm not really sure what to say now tho... cuz you've basicly just said everything opposite of what my hypothesis was...

[thcbongman]

Yeah, you're having episodes of violence which aren't of your control... that's interesting. Since you've had bad experiences with psychologists before [I personally refuse any drug they try to give me, and only use it as a chance to discuss my diagnosis, so it's a bit different...], you should probably do self diagnosis. I'd suggest looking up your symptoms and co-relating it to something, at least to give you a basis. I only suggest this because, if you know that there's a diagnosis for what you're going through, then you know 1) people other than you have gone through it [that's always a releif for me] 2) You're not going insane
and 3) Finding tips on coping and getting better.
Other than that, I suggest, like most others, eat healthy, try to stay positive, excersise daily, just stay in the best shape possible. Meditate, relax ... etc.

I'm a very impatient person [like you] and it fustrates me some times beyond beleif, but I don't act on it. Do you find that you have absolutely no control over your actions? Or do you just get ideas but not so much act on them??

I think 99% of the time, I have total control of my actions. I definitely get ideas of shoving someone out of the way because they are slowing me down, but I shake it off that thinking error, and don't act on it.

but it's those few moments that I lose clarity. I can be calm 99% of the time, but all it takes is one time.

And that's the weird thing. I exercise obsessively, I eat healthy, I usually have a positive mind-set. I do utilize meditation, it helps in my overall focus, but not for these episodes. I try to relax, but I don't ever feel relaxed.

I just don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything anymore. I don't think I laugh alot anymore. I feel I'm becoming more isolated socially, more than I normally am.

[Ganj]

Sorry, can I ask you for some advice? I want to meditate but... I can't clear my mind... I'm always thinking... constantly... or thinking about not thinking... but still thinking... O_o Plus I'm anxious and find it hard to relax... any suggestions?


And also, Bongman, you know it's also likely that you're just going through a very stressful time and just need to take a long ass break from everything.

Try a mantra. The point of meditation is focused thinking. What you describe is anxious thinking, which you can also learn from. You realize you're an anxious person though, so what you should focus on is a mantra. Some "hum" during meditation, and that's great because the vibrations from your voice are a great thing to focus on. Try just listening and feeling your breathing. If that doesn't work, then try some focused thought on something you like.
Mantra Meditation

[bhouncy]

Sorry, can I ask you for some advice? I want to meditate but... I can't clear my mind... I'm always thinking... constantly... or thinking about not thinking... but still thinking... O_o Plus I'm anxious and find it hard to relax... any suggestions?


And also, Bongman, you know it's also likely that you're just going through a very stressful time and just need to take a long ass break from everything.

There are lots of different ways of meditating. Now the one I use may not seem like the most spiritual but it is by far the most effective I've ever come across. Find a place were you wont be disturbed for the time you want to chill out. Pick a goal for the this time. It could be relaxation or visualization or anything you want. Now to clear the mind you just have to tell it to shut the fuck up. Over and over and over until you find a place in your mind where you feel like you are in control. You don't have to swear if you don't want to. Shhhhhhhhh works just as well. If you want to have a quite place in your mind you have to be the boss of your world. You can then do you thing. I do a lot of visualization and if at any point my brain tries to side track me I just shush it get back to what it is I am trying to achieve.

As for relaxation give this a try. Start at the top of you body and tense up. Scrunch your forehead... the muscles around your eyes... then release. Notice the difference between being very tense to being very relaxed (After doing this for a while you just have to think about relaxing and you will be able to just do it). Then work down your body... tensing and relaxing until you reach your toes. You can guide yourself by saying... my forehead is now relaxing as you go along.

[thcbongman]

well that's odd... i mean only blowing up over the simplest things, but big things you're fine with....

see i had an idea of what might be wrong, that you're feeling ignored and left out of everything/taken advantage of and now you're blowing up because you're not demanding the attention from those who care, or standing up for yourself....

but that can't be it as you said you're careful now, and you have a very close family/friends... and by loner i just meant like, are you fully alone in the world just about, or is there usually people around you or people you talk to...

i'm not really sure what to say now tho... cuz you've basicly just said everything opposite of what my hypothesis was...

I don't think it was truly opposite. If my friends and family didn't care about me so much, they sure wouldn't be around, I did nothing to encourage them to love me. I would be a loner otherwise, I don't talk to strangers on a normal basis.

But I think you are right about me not standing up for myself. I remember you pointed it out to me once already in the past! Now that I think about it, I think the common theme was an instance of lack of respect.

[jdmarcus59]

seeking help dont mean your crazy, Ive been around for awile and I wish
I know back then what I know now, but what I know now I leaned the hard
way, a train wreck of a way to learn......god speed

[Samwhore]

Your fine, it's not until doing these things make you happy then somethings wrong. It is okay to snap once in awhile, you'll get over if, but then, if you don't, you'll realize it, and you'll just be stuck. Nothing can help you, one day, you will find what will help you, but your not going to find it if you look for it.

[slipknotpsycho]

I don't think it was truly opposite. If my friends and family didn't care about me so much, they sure wouldn't be around, I did nothing to encourage them to love me. I would be a loner otherwise, I don't talk to strangers on a normal basis.

But I think you are right about me not standing up for myself. I remember you pointed it out to me once already in the past! Now that I think about it, I think the common theme was an instance of lack of respect.

by oppposite i simply meant the picture i was painting was you were alone, neglected, and of course heavy stress continually building up until you blew up over bigger things....