My wife wants to stop oral sex

[slipknotpsycho]

Seems like a sign of divorce. It usually starts with something like this. Than she'll be going out more and more.

However, things tend to work themselves out naturally.

Stay single!

i was going to flame you then decided against it..

i will however say that's kind of a retarded thing to say... the divorce bit.... for some people staying single is the best option...

[Spoken Word]

don't divorce over that..
you chose her.....deal with it.
it's not that serious.
my uncle would love oral sex but his wife refuses to...

and besides, a girl that doesn't like doing it, does it completely wrong sooo.....she wins either way

[blazed_babe]

Well, if you cant have an open sexual relationship where both of you is happy then id say you should get a divorce. That is such crap. Sex is the backbone of a relationship. Actually Playboy actually had a letter like this a while back from the Playboy Advisor, your wife is full of crap w/ her religious views. Sex is natural and anything but "unhealthy". Men and women have natural urges that need to be met. Fine, if YOU can live your life with a shitty unfullfilling sex life fine, but I wouldnt call that living at all.

while i do think that sex is an important part of a relationship, and being sexually open with your partner is also important, by no means is it the backbone of a relationship. shouldn't love be the backbone of a relationship? otherwise, a good fuck buddy (meh, i hate that term) would suffice, with no need for a relationship at all. although i do agree, a healthy sex life is a very good thing for a marriage. sex is natural, but you chose your wife, and you should respect her views and decisions. that doesn't mean that they're necessarily always right, but you shouldn't just freak out, you should discuss it with her and try to maybe reach some sort of compromise or maybe make sure there isn't some deeper reason besides religious views. if there is a deeper reason, then maybe there is trouble in the relationship. but she honestly could just want a break from oral sex. sex is good, but the actual relationship and the love part of a long-lasting relationship and marriage should come first. i know it's frustrating, but try to understand your wife's decisions. if you freak out or blow up about this, then that "maybe" in the future might never happen at all.

oral sex isn't everything. maybe by abstaining from oral sex for awhile, you and your wife will find other, more creative ways of foreplay and turning each other on. this could actually turn into something that's a bit fun! (just trying to find the silver lining in things for you)

[Hardcore Newbie]

How long have you been married? I find it hard to believe that something like this would just manifest in a relationship... The fact that you "[ask] for it... once or twice a month" shows me that she didn't like it in the first place.

"She's sort of religiously conservative or whatever".... seriously.... "or whatever"? Do you even know this person?

[blazed_babe]

At the beginning the chief tricks him into rubbing this burning herb on his piggily wiggily

ahahahahahaha

wow that's awesome. i've never heard it been referred to as that before

[GraziLovesMary]

I, too want to hear how long he has been married and what the ages are. That will shed some more light on the issue. How is the sex? Is it dynamic or monotonous? Religious types can be either great or horrible, at least the inexperienced ones. They either love it when its done right and want more and more of it, or they feel its wrong and that they are somehow sinning. God damn religious fundamentalists who tamper with human nature and the psyche of fragile, impressionable children.

[jsn9333]

That's a tough one, jygf77. I definitely don't think a divorce is in order because of that alone--unless, of course, this is just a symptom of a much larger problem between the two of y'all. Something about the fact that she's saying she doesn't want oral anymore either and wants a break in both directions sends up red flags that she's unhappy with some aspect of herself, with her sexuality or with the physical intimacy between you two and is using the "spiritually/emotionally unhealthy" reason as an excuse.

Something's obviously wrong that she could use some help with. Has y'all's sex life been good until now? Is she basically proposing that your sex life now simply be limited to intercourse alone? Also, do you know if she's ever been the victim of any type of abuse or assault? I may anger some of our arch-religious members here, and I apologize in advance if I do, but I fervently believe that oppressive religious programming about right and wrong/good and evil is in itself a form of abuse; it's programming that later results in physical and mental uptightness every bit as much as sexual assault can.

If getting head is real, real important to you, and I've never yet been acquainted with a guy for whom it wasn't, tell her that. Ask if she might be willling to work together with a counselor about the sex issues. An astute counselor, particularly one who's not affiliated with a religious institution, could help pin down what's really up with her in just a few sessions.

I tend to agree with az666 that you shouldn't base your relationship entirely on getting oral sex. But I strongly believe that in a sexually healthy marriage, wives and husbands who love each other need to make every effort to accommodate their partners, even when it shakes the boundaries of their comfort zone. I truly can't imagine my sex life with my husband without that particular activity. It's one of the best ways I know of to let him know I love him--and to keep him happy and satisfied with me.

First of all, to answer everyone, we've been married since February of 2006, so for a year and a half.

Secondly, where can I find a good counselor?

Thirdly... I'll try to answer questions people have asked, and give more background. Sorry if this is too long...

I'm 28, she is 25. Has our sex life been good? Ummm... no, not really. While I have had healthy sexual relationships in the past, I respected her desire to save sex for marriage. (mistake number one I guess). I started going to a sort of conservative church with her because, while I disagree with some of the more conservative things they teach (obviously, since I'm on cannabis.com), I am a Christian and I do think a husband/wife being on a similar page spiritually is good. I just tell her what I agree with and disagree with when I hear them teach or whatever. But the church sold me on the "saving sex for marriage doesn't mean we think its a bad thing, it just means we love it and respect it more then people who don't." (again, mistake number one).

I did make sure I talked to her pretty extensively about sex before getting married, including any beliefs she had about oral sex. I told her that I never wanted to be part of a "close-minded" sexual relationship where exploration, enjoyment, oral, etc. were frowned upon. But I realized we had some problems on wedding night. I was all excited and looking forward to getting it on, and she just sort of laid there. Even kissing her was awkward, because she sort of acted like she doesn't like french kissing. She won't say that though. Its just awkward, that is the only way I know how to describe. I thought it would get better, but it hasn't.

When I asked her about her feelings concerning oral sex while we dated, I told her I understood some (rare) Christians might think it is a sin or not good or whatever and I asked her if she was one of those? She said she was "open to it", and had never experienced it. I figured that was all good, because who wouldn't like it... right? Plus she's "saving sex" with me because she "loves sex so much". If I ever hear someone say that again I'll want to choke them.

Well, after the immense awkwardness (especially with anything oral) continued for months after we married, I talked to her more about it. I've found out that when her best friend in high school and college said, "One thing you'll love about sex when you finally decide to do it is oral sex... it feels *wonderful*!", my wife told her that it would not be a part of her marriage and sex life. (!) (Gee... think she should've told me that when I asked her how she felt about it?)

When, a year into our marriage, she asked that we stop oral sex I knew that she had basically lied to me when we dated. I mean, how can someone tell people she doesn't like oral sex before marriage, tell her husband she thinks it can be unhealthy and that she wants to stop it after marriage, and yet still be telling the truth when she said she was "open to it" when they were dating? I've told her I feel deceived... because I do. However, I've also told her I don't mean to imply that she "tricked" me on purpose... perhaps she tricked herself too, you know? I love her in many ways. I just feel so hurt and confused.

Has she been abused? She has told me that the man she gave her virginity to became abusive, and she just let him have sex with her to make him happy. Since we've married she said she thought it would not be "sinful" if she didn't enjoy it with that guy. (wtf?) She has also said she thinks that might be an attitude she has trouble getting rid of (in other words, she thinks she has trouble enjoying sex even with me sometimes because she "trained" herself to feel that way towards sex). I don't understand that at all because I in no way abuse her and never would. She says she doesn't even really understand it.

Her parents never talked to her about sex, *ever*... other then saying it was a sin before marriage. So that might be a problem too.

I've suggested counseling a few times, and she said she's open to it but she wants to give us time first. At this point I feel like I might be the one that needs counseling though. I feel like I'm "ruined" in my attraction toward her because I feel like she tricked me or both of us about something I told her was important to me. I'm not even attracted to her much any more sexually, although I love her emotionally. It is a very weird state I never thought I'd find myself in. Honestly, I don't even want sex from her anymore... and that is one of the reasons I want to explode. I just want to freaking die.

If we do see a counselor, I think I would want it to be one that is in no way affiliated with the church she likes to go to. She wouldn't like that, but I feel like the bullshit they sometimes spout has nothing to do with Christ and, in a lot of ways, is what got us in this position in the first place.

P.S. - She doesn't know I smoke pot once or twice a month with a friend from work. I started after she told me she didn't want oral sex any more. It has been my outlet I suppose. I've figured, hell, if I can't enjoy sex I'm going to enjoy something. Sometimes I think I should just light up a joint in front of her and let her freak out and leave my ass.

[slipknotpsycho]

i don't think you should have to sneak around over things like smoking...

dunno about you or anyone else... but i am who i am, if you don't like who i am, then you don't want me, you want someone else..

if she were to freak out and leave you should you light a joint in her face... well imo perhaps it's better off... there's probably gonna be alot more things you do that are alot worse before yal die happily married or eventually get divorced/seperate...

however, on topic, seems like yal have some more serious underlying issues here then just what you've given in the first post...

[BobMarley91]

Yea,Honestly man even though you love her it might not get better and might just get worst in time.Have you tried to sit her down and talk to her about how you feel about the situation?If not then maybe you should to see how she will take your feelings.

I understand where your coming from when you're lied to by your suppose to be loved one and it hurts so bad and they just sit there and act like they dont care.Man that hurts my feelings so much.I got a question though did you feel as you and her had a 100% truthful relationship?If so, then i definately know how you feel.Because with my ex I was only 100% truthful with her and come to find out she was telling me lies and cheating on me for around 2weeks.Even though you might love a woman you can never really trust her in my eyes.Ladies dont beat up on me for it but thats how I feel because all the girls I have been went turns out to be the same lying and sneaky.

[Nailhead]

Get out before she gets pregnant, you obviously married way too early if you weren't even on the same page spiritually, and you can't force yourself into believing something you just don't believe. Enough with all the "sex isn't that important" crap, it is, a bad sex life is the primary cause of divorce so don't think you can ignore that. Eventually you will get sex somewhere, probably not her, so why stay married then?

Just remember the longer you stay with her, the more you pay in vaginamony, and if you have kids, you will be screwed up financially, (not to mention the kids themselves will be screwed).

You can try counseling but it really doesn't sound like she is right for you anyway, those deep emotional issues she has with sex vs religion won't go away quickly, if ever, so it might be best to just part ways while you are still young.