Joke Time!

[cannabis campbell]

Yes its that time again, post some of your best jokes here.

----

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"

"We'll see," says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist


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One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

I thought that one was fucking hilarious!!!!! ^^^ LOL

cannabis campbell Reviewed by cannabis campbell on 06-24-2007. Joke Time! Yes its that time again, post some of your best jokes here. ---- A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll see," says the bartender. Rating: 5

[twoguysupnorth]

nice, liked them all.

[cannabis campbell]

ty

[cannabis campbell]

bump.

[ghosty]

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

__________________________________________________ _______________

So this nurse walks into a bank to deposit, walks up to the teller and says "I'd like to deposit this check." The teller says "Sure, just sign right here." The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer, pauses for a second then goes wide eyed and says "Oh no!" "Is something wrong?" the teller asks, to which the nurse explains "Some asshole got my pen!"

[logie_boy]

The new emo pizza!!!

It cuts its self



how many emos does it take to screw in a lighbulb?

3! one to screw it in...and 2 to write a poem about the old one

[cannabis campbell]

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

__________________________________________________ _______________

So this nurse walks into a bank to deposit, walks up to the teller and says "I'd like to deposit this check." The teller says "Sure, just sign right here." The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer, pauses for a second then goes wide eyed and says "Oh no!" "Is something wrong?" the teller asks, to which the nurse explains "Some asshole got my pen!"

LMFAO!

[cannabis campbell]

Yeah i heard that one before haha

[Mississippi Steve]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[slipknotpsycho]

[YOUTUBE]http://youtube.com/watch?v=u2w4-Y5u-sw[/YOUTUBE]