Tom needs to either make up his mind to commit to that woman. Or let her move on and find someone who will. I don't know why women who want to be married get themselves into situations where they live with guys who can't or won't commit, but it's an age-old story.

The bottom line really is about him. If he really loves her and wants her around permanently, then he ought to take the leap and commit. That's real hard for a lot of guys to do, especially if they've been through bad marriages previously. And the statistics definitely aren't optimistic. A second marriage has a higher chance of divorce than a first one, and when one or both partners has kids it's likely to fail even faster. If he doesn't want to marry her, he ought to stay single, let her have her freedom to move on, and go sew those wild oats and grow up.

I get the respect thing and think it's valid. There are plenty of guys who can't or won't make a relationship legitimate, and that does involve a lack of respect for the woman involved. But before that, it takes a lack of self-respect on her part to get involved in a hopeless situation like that. Just as there are guys who can't commit, there are also women who constantly connect themselves to guys who can't and then spend their lives being frustrated and angry that the guy can't commit. So it's a two-way street. On some unconscious level, she may well not want to be married, herself, or she wouldn't be choosing guys who don't think she's worthy of being married to. Considering that they come from common career and life circumstances, I don't buy that she's a gold-digger, but I'm sure she's eager to find a husband to help parent those kids. To really be successful in finding a husband and co-parent, she's got to break with tradition and find someone who wants to be in that situation.