Tom needs your help

[CannabisHappiness]

Personally, I don't really understand the whole marriage thing. I suppose I could understand the respect thing, however, really it just seems to be the 'ceremony' that seems to be important to somehow 'cement' the relationship. Sounds like maybe they're not communicating well enough. No real advice thou, cept to maybe see a therapist about the issue. Hope things work for the best whatever that may be. Peace.

[Weedhound]

I honestly don't have trouble seeing or agreeing with either side except for one thing.....He's feeling that she's not listening to him (and she's not). That's what got his bells ringing in the first place.....probably had some good undertone from his last marraige (which BG points out was his choice as well) and BG also points out that she went into it with unrealisitic expectations as well. I really think this could be resolved if they tried some counseling....when both sides hear something from a third person it tends to be looked at differently which my main thing about counseling. Everyone is always so sure its the other person's fault and if ony so and so would do such and such I'd be happy. .....counseling helps everyone sort out their roles and responsibilities in a relationship. Believe me (also as BG said) it takes two to tango......always.

[slipknotpsycho]

ok i read the first post, none of the others... i agree with the firszt part of one tho... how old ar ethey?

some could see it as a gold digger but i don't.

women want commitment... and it sounds like she wants a life with him, but she want's the title as well (normal circumstance if you ask me) she wants him to for once and all say she is his, and she wants the stability of marriage (when you'r edating there's always that very possible 'what if', with marriage that dies down alot... and i thin khtat's what she's looking for)

i don't beleive he should marry her unless he's sure of what he's doing.. marrying the wrong person, is just asking for trouble... but marrying the woman you love, is just asking fo ra secure normal life...

i got mine but not everyone gets theirs as young as i did.. and most have alot more to 'lose' by just picking, which is probably his dilema...

if he's not seeing other women or anything, that's probably alot of his problem... just wondering if it's the right person..

so ask him... do you love her, can yousee yourself holding her in a bed when you're both 70+, can you see being at all of your kids (since kids are involved) wedding, can you even see being a father to teh two who aren't actually 'yours'?

only he is able to make these decisions, but you can help him see the light to make the right decision... you just have to ask him the right questions...

and yes, she may get mad at a prenup, but if she truely loves him, and just wants to settle down, she should have no realy qualms over signing one... the only peopl that should have some major problem with it would be true gold diggers... (that's not to say she may not be offended that he doesn't trust her.. but we're talking about life here.. not just some sale of property or somthing... if she really does love him adn wants to be with him, she shouldn't turn down the idea)

again, the true answer is arleady in him, he just awaits teh right questions to show him the light... as a friend it's your job to ask those... and reassure him.

[khronik]

I also think it'd be best for the guy to consider marriage, possibly with a prenuptial agreement. Most women DO put a lot of value on marriage, and just because his woman is a little insecure, it doesn't mean she'd be bad for him.

I guess the question he needs to answer honestly is why he doesn't want to get married again. What is he afraid of? Does he have a legitimate concern, or is he just being stubborn?

[stinkyattic]

There are plenty of guys who can't or won't make a relationship legitimate,..... it takes a lack of self-respect on her part to get involved in a hopeless situation like that. Just as there are guys who can't commit, there are also women who constantly connect themselves to guys who can't and then spend their lives being frustrated and angry that the guy can't commit. ....On some unconscious level, she may well not want to be married, herself, or she wouldn't be choosing guys who don't think she's worthy of being married to.

Birdgirl is a genius. This is SO true but I could not put it so eloquently!

The way I see it from personal experience, having done EXACTLY this for YEARS, there's something in her past that she hasn't dealt with enough to feel self-secure. A fear of abandonment, a poor relationship with her own father, parents getting divorced when she was young- any of these things could make a woman subconsciously set her self up to fail at relationships over and over.

It sounds like she could benefit from talking to a therapist on her own too, but of COURSE you can't really suggest that

Either way, I'll bet there is a pattern here, and that her past relationships also fit into it.

On the positive, this is an age where a lot of us start looking more honestly and with some detachment at our pasts and do a lot of growing. When you are secure in your career and start having adult friendships and a new relationship with your own parents, your attitude towards romantic relationships naturally is going to mature as well and you should have a lot easier time of it trying to communicate honestly.

[Skink]

Some women will do just about anything for security,,,best is to forget the bitch...

[MagicalHerb]

i hope i never have to deal with a girl like that. i dont have any meaningful advice, though. that fuckin blows.

this actually makes me kind of mad, because some people would rather have a relationship to be married instead of a relationship for themselves. i dont get the big deal about marriage. i dont even think its natural, and i dont need a church to tell me im meant to be together with someone. if marriage causes that much stress for people what the hell is the point, am i missing something?

actually, forget that girl. your friend should realise that she obviosuly doesnt care enough for him to take him for what he is. i could never be in a relationship like that! and if that isnt the best option, ask someone else, because i dont know crap about this.

[verdure]

I see a big red flag that Tom has work left to do on himself. Maybe deep down he is still in love with his ex-wife, or at least has not forgiven himself for the mistakes he once made as a married man, or grieved his failed marriage properly. I donâ??t think enough people take the time and make the commitment to do all that, if any, intensive internal work after every relationship. Itâ??s really difficult to do, but if itâ??s not done then they bring old junk into a new relationship. Itâ??s especially not fair when the other person has gotten over their ex and does not punish their new partner for mistakes the old one made.

I hear Tom saying that itâ??s sad for the kids. God forbid a woman utter that she wants to be married to a man that she loves, as that is so Victorian for 2007, but talk about old-fashioned â?? staying together for kidsâ?? sakes! That is a horrible argument in Tomâ??s defense. Kids are one of the worst reasons ever for two people stay together, much less get married. Seems like she is a strong and independent enough to know this already. Perhaps she has a shitty family and is trying to build the life that she knows she and her kids deserve. I hope that she recognizes her patterns and is still working on herself too. If the woman had a good head on her shoulders, I bet she offered counseling already.

Surely she never said: donâ??t ever talk to another woman. We all know that is an unrealistic request. Exactly how inappropriately Mr. â??I did not have sexual relations with that womanâ?� really was is likely another story. Shall we get into what is technically defined as sex and/or what officially constitutes an affair? When youâ??re in a monogamous relationship, I believe it encompasses more than just his dick in another womanâ??s pussy. They might have disagreed on that.

Surely they had their little quarrels, as every couple does, but if the knock down drag out fights were repeatedly on this issue of marriage, then I donâ??t guess communication was a problem. Both are probably being honest about what they want, unfortunately it is still two very different things. The two of them have very differing values on family and commitment and it seems too late for either to compromise now.

While Tom claims that they have much in common, oddly enough he doesnâ??t seem to be madly in love with her. Tom even said he is not ready to marry her anyway! Knowing this, she is supposed to just sit and wait for him to fall in love with her? No doubt Tom really loves them, but it sounds like he is just accustomed to her and her kids, which is not the same as knowing that you have found your soulmate. Will Tom be sad for some time while he re-adjusts to life without them? Iâ??m sure they all are sad. A year and a half is indeed a considerable amount of time, but some people may disagree.

Tom is probably just wrestling with himself because he knows that she was a great woman who was in love with him, and Tom is probably a really great guy too, but no matter how hard he tried, he just could not force himself to feel the same way about her. He shouldn't have to because true love doesn't work like that.

[cannabis campbell]

Well im going to take a long shot here... this friend... tom, is it YOU?

[Skink]

Well im going to take a long shot here... this friend... tom, is it YOU?

Shh,,,everybody was not saying that till U...