Quote Originally Posted by birdgirl73
I think you must be reading through a filter from your own experiences, Slow. Which is fine. But by well-adjusted, I simply mean emotionally healthy, balanced, and with self-esteem enough to be attracted to someone who'll treat her decently. Refinement and/or civility is something else entirely.

I agree that women like to feel they're in a secure relationship with a strong man. But I believe that women who like themselves and truly like and respect their partners don't make little underhanded, passive-aggressive "digs," even under a "refined" guise. I know such behavior can occur because I've seen it myself. We have some friends, Jim and Joyce, who have a negative way of interacting. He openly puts her down at home (and often other places, too), and so she takes every opportunity to make not-so-hidden digs when they're in social situations with groups of friends. They're not direct enough with each other about whatever's bothering them to be able to work it out between the two of themselves in private, yet they're constantly angry at each other. And so that underhanded, dysfunctional dance goes on. Emotionally healthy, or well-adjusted, couples don't feel the need to behave either openly or passively aggressive with one another. The more I see of the marriages around me, the more I realize that the healthy ones are the exceptions. I thank goodness for my parents and my husband's parents, whom I think both had healthy, balanced relationships. We were lucky to have had that modeled for us.

I agree, by the way, that men are genetically and evolutionarily designed to want to procreate with more than one partner. Monogamy is not a natural state for guys, despite the fact that it's what's expected as the social norm. Although women are genetically/evolutionarily more suited for monogamy because it serves our child-rearing and security purposes better, I maintain that it's not an easy thing for us, either. Difficult or not, that doesn't mean I intend to cheat on my husband nor for him to cheat on me, either. But I do agree that that monogamy is challenging.
You may be right birdgirl, I may never have seen a healthy relationship as you describe it. I actually doubt it exists. Someone has to lead or you go nowhere. Most of what is in this thread regards controll issues. I think we should agree to disagree on this one as I suspect it is like the argument, can guys and girls be just friends. As you say, we are all shaped by our experiences.

- Slow -