to be honest id love to talk more with u because if i had to hypothetically diagnose u from what u just wrote i'd say youre kinda schizophrenic. you are all over the place, you write in a stream-of-consciousness style that shows how nonlinear your mind is. and another thing schizophrenics often do is talk to themselves in a third person, objective way.

for example:

nonschizophrenic thinks: "man, i really need to wear more red shirts"
(some) schizos think: "you need to wear more red shirts"

the reason im telling you this is because you say you have a mantra: "shut the fuck up" it's peculiar that you would say that to yourself in a 3rd person fashion.

i cant tell if youre saying that you tell someone else to shut the fuck up because that's not a mantra. but if that's so, then i'd diagnose you with 1st degree asshole who needs to take 2 tablets of his own advice every 12 hours.