so a giraffe walks into a bar

[Light It Up]

how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to change a lightbulb...

[Genuine17]

3 one to change it and the other 2 to throw feces on eachother or something not funny like that....

what do you call a mexican washing a car

a wetback .... not funny...

why was the guitar string mad?

He didnt get picked.... not funny...

Why am i not wearing pants

you dont want to know...













why am i not high!

[Twitchy Stoner]

Q: Three tampons pass you walking down the street: Maxi, Mini, and Ultra. Which one says hi to you first?

A: None because they are all stuck up cunts

[slipknotpsycho]

So This guy walks into a bar...


...A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the

collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a

necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he

looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't

have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In

desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion

a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks

him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you

can come in - just don't start anything."


...This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and

says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."


...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman...

She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he

pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."


...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy,

why the long face...


...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in

and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't

serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up

on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts,

Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah."

Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"

String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."


...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says

"Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies

"Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"


...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll

ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...


...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer

and a mop..."


...A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The

bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute

later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get

many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies

"I'm not surprised at those prices.."


...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a

dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was

the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out

of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the

man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer...


...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The

bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?"

asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"


...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would

you like a beer?"

Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...


...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says,

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."


...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says,

"I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."


...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"


...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry

but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender

says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."


...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...


...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...


...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...


...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.

"I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass

of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender,

"that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."


...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've

lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'


...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub

of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind

in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him,

"Why not? We're cultured individuals."


...a man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he

sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".

Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for

himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips

later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man

called the bartender over.,"Hey...i must be losing my mind,"

he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying

nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.

"Say what?"

"You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're

complimentary."

...

[slipknotpsycho]

can't find the version i heard as a kid.. but lol.. close enough (the version i heard was set in a tavern)

This rich man in one of the villages of Iran had a donkey which he adored very much. For some reason his donkey became very sad and this bothered the rich man very much. He placed an ad in Kayhan ( National newspaper in Iran) that whoever makes my donkey laugh gets 1000 tomman. People from everywhere show up, but all attempts result in faliure, but just as the rich man was getting disappointed this Turk appears. The Turk goes and says something in donkey's ear and the donkey starts to laugh the rich man was amazed and tells the Turk that he will get an additional 1000 toman if he tells the rich man how he did it.
The Turk agrees and says:" I told the donkey that my penis is larger than its".
This time the rich man says I'll give you another 1000 if you make my donkey cry. There goes the Turk to the donkey and after couple of seconds the donkey started to cry very hard. This time the rich man tells the Turk that if the Turk tells him what he told the donkey he would grant the Turk all his wealth.
The Turk say this time I simply showed the donkey my penis....

[Rekos]

one from me..

Man: God?
God: Yes!?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Yes.
Man: What is for you a milion of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a milion of dolars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a milion of dolars?
God: Wait a second!

[Rekos]

this one i like it..haha..if you want more lemme know..hahaha:

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" She turns to her husband and says... "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".
He thinks about it for a bit and then says "well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

[Marijuana connoisseu]

Q: Three tampons pass you walking down the street: Maxi, Mini, and Ultra. Which one says hi to you first?

A: None because they are all stuck up cunts

That is fucking funny! :thumbsup: