Asking Mom the hard questions

[Samwhore]

Alright, well, my mom got pregnant when she was 15. I'm 15 and I can't imagine having a baby now. For some reason, I feel the need to know this.

-What was my mom's real reaction when she knew she was pregnant
-Did she ever think about abortion or "losing" (we won't go into detail) me

I just need to know these things. I know they can be unconfortable, and it is my mom's privacy, but I just NEED to know. She always skirts around the issue or changes the subject. But how do I ask her without making her feel bad about herself or getting her upset? I know she will be upset, but not like yelling in my face mad.

Samwhore Reviewed by Samwhore on 05-15-2007. Asking Mom the hard questions Alright, well, my mom got pregnant when she was 15. I'm 15 and I can't imagine having a baby now. For some reason, I feel the need to know this. -What was my mom's real reaction when she knew she was pregnant -Did she ever think about abortion or "losing" (we won't go into detail) me I just need to know these things. I know they can be unconfortable, and it is my mom's privacy, but I just NEED to know. She always skirts around the issue or changes the subject. But how do I ask her Rating: 5

[birdgirl73]

Are you sure you really need to know those things? Or are you really just curious to validate some negative suspicions you have and reinforce some negative feelings about yourself? You've said several times recently you're not feeling exactly happy. Asking those questions from your present emotional outlook/perspective sounds like you're looking for a way to further validate or feed negative feelings about yourself and possibly about your mom, too. As I recall, 15 is an emotionally loaded enough time on its own.

Don't get me wrong. They're valid questions. I'd be curious, too. I just wonder if they'd be better saved for another time when you're feeling better about yourself and when, if she were completely honest with her answers, you could better handle what you found out. I strongly suspect that part of why your mom has evaded the questions till now is that she doesn't think you're ready for that information, either, and isn't comfortable examining her own feelings about that time. I say give it a few more years when you're feeling steadier yourself. Also, then you won't be looking at the answers through 15-year-old eyes yourself.

You're a smart girl. I suspect if you think about it for a few minutes and put yourself in the position she was in 1991 or so, you can pretty well figure out the answers on your own anyway.

[Samwhore]

Birdie, I'm not happy, but that doesn't mean that I have low self-esteem.

I'm not happy in life, but I love myself.

I'm not depressed or anything, I know, I've been happy, I know what makes me happy, but I'm not looking for it right now. My life doesn't have time for me to be happy, I have other things to do.

[birdgirl73]

I didn't say anything about low self-esteem. I meant that possibly asking those questions would simply reinforce the unhappiness--that's what I meant by the negative feelings.

[Samwhore]

I see what you mean.

[onequickmove]

just keep in mind that though it was YOU in her womb, she didn't know you, hadn't met you, and that if she says she considered abortion, just know that it has absolutely nothing to do with you; obvious, but just don't think to yourself "mom thought about killing me". this is coming off wrong, i'm trying to be encouraging, but what i'm trying to say is, know that whatever she tells you that it wasn't YOU that was an accident, but her getting pregnant, and that became you. i'm not doing very well at this, but i mean to say good luck and also with birdgirl i'd say consider if you need/want to know now; i guess i don't see a problem in asking though, if you think you can, if you feel that you are able to handle the answer, and if your mom wants to talk about it

[onequickmove]

ps: also, birdgirl is right on the money that you probably know the answers; what was her reaction to being pregnant at 15? she was freaked out like crazy; did she consider abortion ever? i can't imagine that she never ever considered it; just ask yourself what is it you really want to know

just remember YOU are not an accident, whether or not your mom got pregnant on purpose; i believe that strongly

[MadSativa]

damn cheezberger girl you only 15?? crazy, you seem older I gotta go with the bird on this one mabey you should talk about this when your older and are thinking of having kids, your mom will probley open up in that situation, and every once and a while just thank your mom for no damn reson or for nuthing and years form now thank her for the labor and conception, and the not killing you as a featus thing cause it could be worse.

[Bong ripper420]

if you got a fifteen year old girl pregnant would you want to help raising a baby. and losing all the fun times of high school and college.

[Storm Crow]

I don't know what your relationship is with your Mom, how close you are, etc, but have you thought of writing her a letter asking your questions? It eliminates the face-to-face embarrassment, gives her time to think and formulate an answer. I think it would be best if you "primed the pump" by explaining to her that you are sending/giving her a letter with some questions that are personal in nature, but that you feel you need (not "want") to know. Tell her you are doing it this way so that she can think about her answer and not feel like she's been "put on the spot" with you demanding an instant answer right that second. Reassure her that no matter what the answer is, you love her and respect her and always will. Then go do something nice for her- make dinner, clean the living room, something like that. - Granny:hippy: