Chronic pain....embarrasement? WTF?

[mrdevious]

I just wanted to ask anybody else in chronic pain, or anybody with some knowledge on the psychology of the matter, if they experience or know of this. I know it's not really logical, but I'm finding lately in social situations that I feel really embarrased when I have to admit I'm in a lot of pain.

I'll just be sitting with my friends hanging out, smoking a joint, whatever. Sometimes we have some people with us that are more aquaintances and that makes it even more akward. And suddenly I'm finding that I'm in excrutiating pain (it just comes and goes randomly). So there I am, in a social situation with lots of people and lots of involved conversation, and all of a sudden I either have to admit I'm in pain all the time, or limp off to another room which makes it look obvious; what with the limping.

I'm not even sure why I find it so embarrasing, not exactly anyways. I think I'm just getting tired of having to bring it with me so much. It's like every time me and my friends are hanging out I have to constantly remind them. Even though they're always completely understanding, I have this overwhelming feeling that when it comes up they stop seeing "me" and start seeing a cripple. It's so humiliating to feel like I'm just "that cripple" in people's eyes.

Ugh, I don't know, is this really heard of? I mean does this normally happen to people in similar situations? Is there a way to get myself out of this mindset? But then again maybe it's justified, maybe they do see me that way now.

mrdevious Reviewed by mrdevious on 05-09-2007. Chronic pain....embarrasement? WTF? I just wanted to ask anybody else in chronic pain, or anybody with some knowledge on the psychology of the matter, if they experience or know of this. I know it's not really logical, but I'm finding lately in social situations that I feel really embarrased when I have to admit I'm in a lot of pain. I'll just be sitting with my friends hanging out, smoking a joint, whatever. Sometimes we have some people with us that are more aquaintances and that makes it even more akward. And suddenly I'm Rating: 5

[PHATTY LUMPKINS]

Dont know your story, but i have 45% disability due to back surgery. It has really been a life changing experince dramatically. for both my family and myself. If they are true freinds they know your in pain. and probably feel helpless thet they cant do something to alleviate it for you. ya think? no need to feel embarased at least your getting out and not just laying around.

[birdgirl73]

I think the embarrassment results because we're all used to putting up a front of strength and vigor to the people we know socially, Mr. D. Revealing that you're in pain makes you more vulnerable because you've revealed a chink in your "social armor" and also because you've been straightforward about your physical vulnerabilities, too. Physically you probably are weaker during the pain spells, and psychologically you've let people under the surface. The result is an inherently embarrassing situation.

At least, that is, until you realize that that honesty and vulnerability are probably in reality the greatest show of strength that someone can make. If someone's in pain or discomfort, emotionally or physically, and lets friends know that, that gives the friends the opportunity to see the real you and also come to your support (another way you're vulnerable). I'll take someone who's honest about what he's feeling any day over a faker or a person who wears a front. Makes me love them all the more because they trust me enough to reveal the truth.

I know what you mean, though. I'm waiting to be scheduled for some spinal surgery in a week or two. The problem I'm having causes muscle weakness and, at times, a strange pins-and-needles sensation in my arms and legs that gives me trouble taking regular steps. So I have a cane for when I have to walk alone. If I go to the grocery store, I try to find my way to a shopping cart quickly so I'll have a less conspicuous "walker." But parking in the special handicapped places when I'm feeling the muscle weakness and needing to walk slowly and with assistance make me feel embarrassed, too. Embarrassed and old. I've been amazed at how kind everyone is. But it's still hard to let people see!

[mrdevious]

I think the embarrassment results because we're all used to putting up a front of strength and vigor to the people we know socially, Mr. D. Revealing that you're in pain makes you more vulnerable because you've revealed a chink in your "social armor" and also because you've been straightforward about your physical vulnerabilities, too. Physically you probably are weaker during the pain spells, and psychologically you've let people under the surface. The result is an inherently embarrassing situation.

At least, that is, until you realize that that honesty and vulnerability are probably in reality the greatest show of strength that someone can make. If someone's in pain or discomfort, emotionally or physically, and lets friends know that, that gives the friends the opportunity to see the real you and also come to your support (another way you're vulnerable). I'll take someone who's honest about what he's feeling any day over a faker or a person who wears a front. Makes me love them all the more because they trust me enough to reveal the truth.

Wow, I think you just described the reasons better than I could have birdgirl. You're right when you say it does expose vulnerabilities, especially the psychological ones. I guess in that context, it's more embarrasing now because the psychological toll it's taken has only been getting worse and worse the longer I have to deal with it (over 5 years now). I'm a bit surprised I didn't think of this till you pointed it out; essentially, I'm exposing a part of my psyche that's been rubbed raw and exhausted, whereas a few years ago it was merely an injury.

I think I'm also afraid of losing my friends over this, though realisticly they've never shown any inkling that they're sick of me (but then who knows what's really inside of people). As I get more and more sick of the pain and wanting to be free of it, I can't help but feel they would get more and more sick of me and wanting to be free of my pain as well.

I know what you mean, though. I'm waiting to be scheduled for some spinal surgery in a week or two. The problem I'm having causes muscle weakness and, at times, a strange pins-and-needles sensation in my arms and legs that gives me trouble taking regular steps.

Hey, I may actually be experiencing the same thing as you in this respect. My spine's totally messed up too, though there seems to be no surgery to fix it. I don't know if this is exactly what you get, but I would get these really sharp needle pains down my arms as well as burning, and the needles seemed to hit specific points. Plus my legs get horrible burning sciatic-type pain, but I call it sciatic type pain because it actually goes equally from the front to back of my legs (god damn that kept me up all night last night).

Anyways I've tried lots of stuff for these problems, but recently the doc got me on this stuff called "Lyrica" (chemical name "Pregabalin"). It helps nerve pain and for the past 2 months I've been on it the needles have totally gone away and the burning in my legs significantly reduced. Unfortunately though my arms have been burning again and my legs have come back to it full force, so obviously it's not working so well these days. Still though, I got remarkable resutls at least for a while so you may want to check the stuff out.
Now if only I hadn't just bought a $95 month supply of the stuff again (my parents providing the money unfortunately). Seriously, drug prices piss me off, there's no assistance for someone in my moneyless possition.

So I have a cane for when I have to walk alone. If I go to the grocery store, I try to find my way to a shopping cart quickly so I'll have a less conspicuous "walker." But parking in the special handicapped places when I'm feeling the muscle weakness and needing to walk slowly and with assistance make me feel embarrassed, too. Embarrassed and old. I've been amazed at how kind everyone is. But it's still hard to let people see!

I totally know what you mean. I've considered getting a cane because often one of my legs or the other will hurt like hell and makes me limp. But it seems awkward walking with a cane when my limp clearly wouldn't be consistant, which might make people think I'm weired and faking it for some reason, especially when I only need it half the time. I'm still iffy about getting one as is, and I guess you're right that it can make one feel "old", especially when I'm only 22 years old and not ready to get old yet.

I wish you the best of luck on your back surgery. Be glad you live in a country where you can get in at a reasonable amount of time, Canada's medical system SUCKS for wait times (I waited 2 years just to get an MRI, and 2 1/2 years to fix a deviated septim). You'll make a kick-ass doctor one day, I wish you were a practitioner in my area!

[birdgirl73]

Glad you thought that was a reasonable explanation! It certainly seems to work in my case.

I don't yet have the sharp needle pain, but they tell me that might be next--or that permanent paralysis could result. Right now it's numbness and tingling, along with muscle weakness and motor coordination trouble. I've got a bunch of bulging disks along my thoracic and lumbar vertebrae, but the real problem is a severely constricted portion of my spinal cord along my cervical spine that's preventing cerebrospinal fluid from getting through above and below, which puts pressure on the brain above and the spine below. It's enough to merit pretty quick surgery, but they have to get my heart rhythm straightened out before anyone can do surgery on me. As much as I enjoy learning and reading about medical stuff, I actually hate dealing with it personally, so this has been a challenge. I am glad at least I'm in a more efficient system. I can't believe you had to wait two years for an MRI! That is the one thing that scares me about the idea of universal health care down here--the fact that it'd likely slow us down, too.

Thanks for the kind words. I hope I will make a good doctor. I see fairly regular examples these days of how NOT to interact with patients. Actually, right now, I hope I can make it through these next few weeks without permanent disability, live through the surgery, and heal well enough to continue my course of study. I'm scared about this surgery!

[napolitana869]

my friends mom is in chronic pain. She never talks about it in public and tries to use her cane as little as possible. You can see it in her eyes though. I think shes ashamed of it because she cant be as strong as her family needs her to be.

[Markass]

I just wanted to ask anybody else in chronic pain, or anybody with some knowledge on the psychology of the matter, if they experience or know of this. I know it's not really logical, but I'm finding lately in social situations that I feel really embarrased when I have to admit I'm in a lot of pain.

I'll just be sitting with my friends hanging out, smoking a joint, whatever. Sometimes we have some people with us that are more aquaintances and that makes it even more akward. And suddenly I'm finding that I'm in excrutiating pain (it just comes and goes randomly). So there I am, in a social situation with lots of people and lots of involved conversation, and all of a sudden I either have to admit I'm in pain all the time, or limp off to another room which makes it look obvious; what with the limping.

I'm not even sure why I find it so embarrasing, not exactly anyways. I think I'm just getting tired of having to bring it with me so much. It's like every time me and my friends are hanging out I have to constantly remind them. Even though they're always completely understanding, I have this overwhelming feeling that when it comes up they stop seeing "me" and start seeing a cripple. It's so humiliating to feel like I'm just "that cripple" in people's eyes.

Ugh, I don't know, is this really heard of? I mean does this normally happen to people in similar situations? Is there a way to get myself out of this mindset? But then again maybe it's justified, maybe they do see me that way now.

I can partially relate...I wash dishes in a restaurant right now and it doesn't require much physical work really but I do have to bend over quite a bit, if I catch a pain I usually find myself making a grunt or pausing and holding my back for a moment or so, and it makes me feel weird to see someone notice me doing so..

I do get the feeling though that some people think something like 'if you're hurting that bad then what the fuck are you doing here' but to be honest, I don't care what it is, if I'm capable of working, I'm still going to work, even if it can get uncomfortable at times.

Don't know that I've contributed anything, but don't worry man, I'm sure that people understand, especially if they're your friends. :thumbsup:

[Nor.Cal Smoker]

As someone who also suffers with chronic pain (herniated discs, bulging discs and rhuematoid arthritis) I can relate to your feelings. One of the hardest things for me was realizing that maybe my being around limited my friends activities. I always felt that maybe they would rather be out doing something else, if I weren't there to tag along. I think it is just part of the process of learning how to deal with your pain and grieve the loss of your old "able bodied self". I know that is what helped me. I was sad that I wasn't the same person I was before the pain but, what can you do besides try to learn to live with it. Your friends won't hold it against you, and you shouldn't be embarassed about something that you didn't cause or couldn't prevent.

BTW, I was 17 when I was diagnosed with the rheumatoid arthritis and it was really hard at first because all my friends were out being teenagers when I was at home feeling like an 80 y/o woman. It REALLY sucked.

Hope this helps.

[mrdevious]

As someone who also suffers with chronic pain (herniated discs, bulging discs and rhuematoid arthritis) I can relate to your feelings. One of the hardest things for me was realizing that maybe my being around limited my friends activities. I always felt that maybe they would rather be out doing something else, if I weren't there to tag along. I think it is just part of the process of learning how to deal with your pain and grieve the loss of your old "able bodied self". I know that is what helped me. I was sad that I wasn't the same person I was before the pain but, what can you do besides try to learn to live with it. Your friends won't hold it against you, and you shouldn't be embarassed about something that you didn't cause or couldn't prevent.

BTW, I was 17 when I was diagnosed with the rheumatoid arthritis and it was really hard at first because all my friends were out being teenagers when I was at home feeling like an 80 y/o woman. It REALLY sucked.

Hope this helps.

See man, you know what I'm talking about. It's such a bitch when your with friends and they're all like "hey, lets go to _____ place" and you gotta say you can't physically do it. Your right, I really do miss having my old able-bodies self, this is supposed to be the prime of my life. If it wasn't for this damn condition I'd be back in Judo or Aikido having a great time honing my skills. Instead you and I have decide if we can handle the pain of walking down the street to the corner store .
Who knows, maybe they'll actually find a cure for arthritis in a reasonable amount of time, and you won't have to put up with it the rest of your life. I know I'm routing for some kind of breakthrough in spinal damage, we must be due for some findings pretty soon.



Birdgirl, I wish you the best on your surgery. I know it's impossible not to worry, but try to keep a possitive mindset and believe you will get better after the surgery. People can talk themselves into life or death if they really believe what they think. I know you're strong-willed and smart enough to make it through this mentally and physically.

[birdgirl73]

Thanks, Mr. D. I found out this afternoon that it's going to be at least three or more weeks away. They have to allow time to deal with my heart rhythm problem first so that'll be in better shape before I have the operation. I'm sick of dealing with medical stuff. I figure my husband is sick of having to contend with it, too. I will indeed keep a positive attitude, though! I know that makes a difference.