Heavy topic: I need relationship advice.

[Weedhound]

My hubby and I went on two dates then he moved in. (We had known each other two weeks at the time) Within two months we were engaged. Married at the nine month anniversary. If anyone else I knew ever did that I'd tell them I couldn't believe how stupid they are. This year is our fourteenth and I wouldn't change a single thing. Keep in mind I was in my 30's at the time and this was my first (and only) marriage.

Pre-marital counseling was the answer for me. It set the tone for our future relationship....I know that I for one would never have been able to negotiate a marraige without it. I discovered that not only was I going about things completely wrong but that I also wasn't being realisitic about my future.

Pockets I don't have any fears for you regarding whether or not the child is yours.....your heart is plenty big and that part will not matter. What will matter.....later.....is when you discover that loving someone and saving them are not the same thing.

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Man, that last comment is really getting to me-making me think. Weedhound, you said that loving someone and saving them are not the same thing...this kind of made my heart drop-and I dont know why.

The problem is, I DID feel that way when we met...DEEPLY in love. I had NO doubts that she was the one for me. These feelings sort of...disappeared recently. Maybe it is me that is having the problems and not us. Selfish maybe? I dont know-marital counsiling is sounding promising...

-Pockets

[slowlickitysplit]

Dude,
Everyone here is being so kind to you and trying to help you reason it out and I can sympathize as I always seem to fall for the girls who need "fixing", or help but....
You heard a guy in the backround when calling from boot camp!
She had a baby with another guy!
Her folks are crackheads!

RUN LIKE A RABBIT!!!!!

I don't mean to be harsh but this chick is a disaster waiting to happen.
For guys like us who like the fixer-upper-chicks, it is imoportant not to get into something over our heads. She sounds like she's about to fall down on your head at any moment and that's no way to live.

Just my 2cents.

- Slow -

[birdgirl73]

I gotta be honest here. ^^^ What Slow said above? ^^^ That's precisely what I've been wanting to write all day, too, except the comments from others were so full of advice and acceptance for the most part.

Seriously, listen to what he pointed out. She's got a history with major drugs, fraud and legal troubles. Her parents are crack-heads. She's got a kid by someone else. Admittedly it's heartbreaking that an innocent child is a pawn in this sad game that is her life. But I think that woman has shown back up in your life all of a sudden because she needs you for business reasons and little else. Your instincts are trying to guide you out of this situation, I think. Instincts are good things to listen to. Especially when you've got a stable life and a solid future to look forward to otherwise. I fear this is a person who could threaten all that for you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what I'm thinking.

[Weedhound]

That heart dropping is the sound of honesty knocking. Very scary and very liberating at the same time isn't it?

I don't doubt that you loved her once....perhaps still do. But relationships change as do people. You are not the same person. Neither is she. Unless work is put into it relationships do not grow. Instead they pop out in all directions due to the silence and denial.

Very first......what is it that YOU want....really. Not how happy you would be if everyone else is happy. There is a big difference.

You have TWO relationships to think about here .....not too mention all underground dwellers that will pop up later in the form of in-laws.

[Weedhound]

Last preach for the evening....i swear.

First I have never in my life seen somebody leave a relationship because someone else told them to. I'm sure it happens but I have never seen it myself.

Second....Once you decide what you really want......what would REALLY make you happy....then use that razor-sharp new found weapon honesty to help you decide how realistic that is in your present situation.

Third.....It takes two people to make a relationship. It doesn't matter how much you want to make things ok......a full 50% is on her.

I am now done. Sorry for the long-windedness

[pocketsrstillEmT]

Slow: Bluntness is sometimes more effective than niceties...Everyone else is basically telling me the same thing...just in a very vague way. I think, anyway. I also thing that in being vague, they are trying to get me to realize myself what I already know...this is one situation that is very hard for me though, hurting her would litterally crush me-even if it is for the best.

Birdy: Damn, I have never lined things out like that: drugs, legal troubles, her parents, another mans child...yikes. Kinda feels like a slap in the face; no offense, and thank you.

WeedHound: What do you mean by keep going? I am not quite sure I follow. And btw, thank you for sticking by me in this...I bet you are a great friend to someone, and a great wife. I am correct in thinking you are female, right? I hope-you said "hubby" so I assumed. If I am misled-I deeply apologize!:thumbsup:

[Weedhound]

Pockets I am a girl.....and old hippy chick. I have a very good friend on these forums who thought I was guy for quite a while and seemed rather shocked to find out otherwise so I try to put it out there. It seems to be a common thought and I don't care about it but sometimes others do.

[tootsie roll]

Whats up all,

Ok, where to start...well, here we go. I am 27yrs old, and engaged to a 23yr old woman. I met her 4yrs ago and we fell in love instantly, but I was having legal troubles at the time and had to vollanteer to the military. While I was serving in the military we kept intouch until her grandmother died and she had to go to Las Vegas for the funeral. She got lost in the Vegas drug scene and I didnt hear from her again.

Well, five months ago, a couple days after christmas I recieved an unexpected phone call...It was her! She said she was expedited here from vegas six months before on fraud charges, and she was back and wanted to see me. I went to her without question! When we met again, we pretty much picked up where we left off.

She explained that she has a little daughter now who is two years old, but she is not with the dad, also, her baby is in Vegas with her crackhead mom and dad. We began to become very serious again, and I asked her to marry me...she said yes. That about brings us up to speed, now for the advice part.

We have been living together since we got back together, but now I am doubting my love for her. Lately I have been very distant to her, and I feel kind of numb. I am also doubting her love for me, for I dont know if I can trust her now, and I kind of have a bad feeling, like she may only be here because of lack of options-and she might only want a plane ticket to get her daughter. I am kind of scared(I am man enough to admit it...) I dont know what to do and I have no one to turn to. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation, or similar?

Any advice? I know this is heavy shit for this time of night, but I am kind of desperate...any help would be great. Thanks alot.

-Pockets

I'm pretty straight forward darlin and my advice is this
RUN LIKE THE WIND!
KEEP RUNNING!
This woman is a mess and trouble in the making.
Stop thinking with lust and start thinking of what will be 5 years from now.
I can almost bet you, you won't be a happy man.

Stop it now while you still have a chance.

Just what all decent guys need-------crackhead inlaws. Betcha they always ask for money. phone bill...electric...they need food, cigs. All of it going to crack.

Fun sounding life so far?

dude, seriously----run like hell!!

[tootsie roll]

Ps, birdgirl is right. She needs you for business reasons. Specifically financial reasons.
She's broke and has a kid that some guy isn't paying support for.
She figures you'll take her back with open arms.
You are a saftey net, not an object of pure love and devotion.
She will drag you in to some ugly shit that believe me, you don't want or need.
She will age you and break your account. You will be left high and dry.
She is looking for a sympathy guy and you are it.
RUN!
oh yeah DON'T LOOK BACK...JUST RUN!