I agree with the ones who say some of what you're struggling with is your conditioning. I think that probably does play a role in your reactions. But the realities are that weed, like all other drugs and substances--heck, even foods--affect different people different ways. Some have a positive reaction to those substances and some don't. Everyone's neurochemistry is different. If you don't find it pleasurable, as Hemplaya said (Hemplaya's a wise person!), that's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just the way it is. You don't have to keep trying to come up with a way to change that, either. More than anything, you need to be true to yourself and your individual reactions. And if your boyfriend's disappointed, then that'll be his responsibility to deal with.

I struggle with the illegality, too. That's a large part of why I don't smoke but still am a passionate advocate for its use by others, particularly medicinal use. I have some health issues that cannabis might complicate at the moment, and I don't want to put my career or spouse at risk, either, which I would be doing if I were busted. Someday I hope to live in a state or country where it's not illegal. With luck, let's hope that'll be here in the United States sometime within the next decade. When that day comes, people like you and me will have the opportunity to try various strains and hybrids without fear of being busted and can see which ones work best for us. I suspect part of the problem with your experimentation so far has been that you haven't yet found a strain that works for you, and that's next to impossible to do when you're limited to what's sold on the street. That'w why so many people here on these boards grow their own--because they've found what works best for them.

I applaud your honesty--and also the fact that, even if it's not a substance whose benefits outweigh the drawbacks for you personally, you've adjusted your thinking about it. That's the sort of attitude adjustment we need about 125 million other adult Americans to make, including the members of both houses of our legislature.