I'm in TN...I assume you're somewhere around middle TN by your description of the dipshit people ( I'm from Ohio too, btw).
Sadly enough, the best way to score anything is to strait out ask for it. Euphemisms and metaphors are completely ineffective in the face of ignorance.

Most of the time, it goes like this...
Me- " You smoke?"
Jethro (or other redneck name)- " Smoke what?"
me- " Bud?"
Jethro- " You mean the beer?"
Me- " I mean weed. Do you smoke weed?"
Jethro- " Oh shit yeah main. I got some for yuh."