Have you ever noticed that if you're camping, and smoking green in your tent, you become popular with spiders? This is a running joke with me and my smoking camping friends.

True story...my clothes dryer broke...the heating element went out, so I bought a new one and went into the dankass basement to install it. I was sitting on the concrete, wrenching away, when it felt like somebody was looking at me. I turned my head slowly like a chick in a bad horror movie...

5 little spiders! With 8 eyes apiece. 40 eyelenses checking me out. So I talked to them. Like so...

"I know you live here, but I do too, and I pay bills up in this motherfucker. You can watch, but if one of you crawls on me, I'm going to kill you. I don't want to kill you, but I will. Please don't make me kill you. I want to give you your respect."

Dryer got fixed, spiders left me alone. Henceforth, I talk to creatures.