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Here's mine- sick, but funny.
What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?
Give up?
An erection.
It may be a little off but I laughed my ass off when I heard it the first time. It's also accompanied by:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?
You don't have an erection when you eat a sandwich.:D
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"
Little miss muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and weigh....along came a spidah sat down beside her, said...
HEY, WHAT'S IN THE BOWL...BITCH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHH!
man says to wife that he wants kinky sex, she said what you got in mined, he said i want to come in your ear, she said it will make me go deaf,he said ive been coming in your mouth for 20 years and that aint shut you up
Why was the tomato blushing?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
I guess this is a joke..it sure made me laugh.
4 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.
LOL!!!!! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by xxxhazexxx
dead baby jokes suck, but here is my favorite
q: why do they call it PMS?
a: because mad cow disease was already taken
Okay so this guy walks into a bar and sees a sign, 'free drinks for whoever can pass the test'.
Asks the bartender, 'what's the test?'
Bartender sez, "The test is you gotta drink that whole bottle of hot pepper tequila without coming up for air, then there's a chick upstairs who has never had an orgasm, go help her out, and finally, my pet alligator is out back and he needs a tooth pulled."
Guy says, "No fuckin way!"... but after a couple beers he's like, "kay gimme the tequila".
So he drinks down the whole bottle and runs outside... there's this horrible thumping noise and he comes back a few minutes later with his shirt all torn up and bloody and says,
"Now where's that broad with the sore tooth!?"
har har har
BOOYA!
A British, a French, a Texan, and a Mexican were on a plane when the captain said that the plane had too much people on it, so 3 guys had to jump off so at least one person can survive.
The British gathered courage, yelled" God save the Queen!" and jumped off.
With tears in his eyes, the French guy stood up, yelled "Viva la France!" and also jumped off the plane.
So the Texan stood up and was pumped. He took a breath, yelled 'Remember the Alamo!" and threw the Mexican off the plane.
Have a good one!:jointsmile:
why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?Quote:
Originally Posted by kingjustin
so you can watch the expression on its face !
here's a mean one too:
kingjustin and oneironaut are coyboys on a ranch wayy out in the prairie.
every day they walk around the fence to make sure nothing has escaped.
one day, kingjustin spots a sheep with its head stuck between two fence posts. he gets to thinking and says 'gee oneironaut, i been real lonely out here without any lady folk. i think i'm gonna have at this here sheep'.
so kingjustin pulls down his pants and has a good ol' time with this poor sheep. when he's done he says 'golly this feels great. why dont you come over here oneironaut and give 'er a try'. so oneironaut pulls down his pants and sticks his head between the fence posts.
oooh I have a sheep shagging one...Quote:
Originally Posted by BizzleLuvin
Bunch of cowboys- well shepherds, whatever- are out with their sheeps.
One of them, it's his first time, he's a total greenhorn.
After a week or so he's all, "man it's lonely out here, whaddya do for female companionship?"
And the old farts are like, "Meh, take a sheep, do yer business."
He thinks they're messing with him so he shuts up...
Then a couple days later he asks again, "f'real, what do you REALLY do?"
And they tell him the same thing so he's skeptical but he takes a sheep over to the bushes and does his thing...
He comes out and they are all standing around laughing at him, and he's like "you fuckers, you told me you guys do this!!!"
And they're like, "well YEAH, but you picked the UGLY ONE!!!"
haha i like thatQuote:
Originally Posted by Mean Green Charlene
heres my jokes:
how many emo's does it take to change a lightbulb?
answer: 3 - 1 to change it 2 to write a song about it
Two homosexual guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,
"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"
:p
[align=center]CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: _____________________________ Gang: ___________________________
Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up?
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control? [/align]
Women's Rights
>_>
*slap*Quote:
Originally Posted by TheFatKid
How many meteorologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to take out the old bulb, and 2 more to argue about which direction to turin it to screw it in on this side of the equator
har har
What is yellow and goes round the earth?
A tennis ball in orbit.
Wait, I really don't get this joke lol :stoned:!Quote:
Originally Posted by kingjustin
I don't get these dead baby in a sandwich jokes they sound kind of twisted to me.
My favourite joke actually not the one I made up about the tennis ball, this lobster goes into a bar and orders a beer. Sorry but your barred from here get out. But I've been drinking here for years this is my local! (in a broad Cockney London accent, the barman replies) Yeah sorry pal but you just come in here all the all the time giving all that.... *holds both hands up to convey chatterbox talk too much but also looks like a lobster impersonation*
That's the whole point of dead baby jokes though...they don't have a real punchline, they're just sick.
And thanks for the lovely joke, Bizzle.
A different genre this time...
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”
Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing.
He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.
He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.
Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."
why is 77 better than 69?
because you get 8 more.
(think about it...)
why was the guitar string mad?
HE DIDNT GET PICKED!
Niiiiice.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
;)
Once there was this boy blowing bubbles in the bathtub
Bubbles was the name of his brother.
whats a baby in a microwave look like ?
i dunno i was too busy jerking off
whats pink and bubbly and bangs on glass ?
a baby in a microwave.
^^^dude? sick
This shirt is NOT black!
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
Sounds to me like you're thinking of the Aristocrats joke. It's supposed to be a joke that's really disgusting and has no meaning, but the punch line is always the Aristocrats.Quote:
Originally Posted by kingjustin
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
"Get in the car."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Kelly twins are drunk again."
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not his most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. Pointing to a young woman in the front row the professor asked, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" And the young woman replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?
Yes. What can I do for you?
I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiddin' it there.
Thank you very much for the call, sir.
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's home. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?
Yeah!
Did they chop your firewood?
Yep!
Happy Birthday, buddy!
this guy comes from a bars poolroom and sits down and says that he could piss in the farthest cup away from him, and if he does it he wants 100 dollars. The bartender says Alright go ahead. The guy pisses all over the place, even on the bartender but not in the cup. The bartender just laughs at him and says well you dont get your 100 dollers. The guy who made the bet starts laughing. When the bartender asks him why hes laughing the guy says "Because I made a bet with the guys in the back room for 500 dollars and I could piss all over your bar and even on you and you wouldent get angry" its kinda stupid :P but ya know
damn this is kinda dead... but fuck it... who doesnt like laughin while high?? i wanna bring this back...
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened"
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless
that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she
hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home
and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she
was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the
designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear
because you say they are too tight.
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't
use?"
:S2:
whats the diffrence between loading a truckfull of dead babies and a truckfull of bowling balls?
The pitchfork.
i just dont find the dead baby jokes that funny....
You just have to be sick enough to really laugh at 'em.
A Kinda Cheap Fling
Two Couples Were Playing Cards. John Accidentally Dropped Some Cards On The Floor. When He Bent Down Under The Table To Pick Them Up, He Noticed That Bill's Wife Was Not Wearing Any Underwear! Shocked By This, John Hit His Head On The Table And Emerged Red-Faced.
Later, John Went To The Kitchen To Get Some Refreshments. Bill's Wife Followed Him And Asked, "Did You See Anything That You Liked Under There?"
John Admitted That, Well, Yes He Did. She Said "You Can Have It, But It Will Cost You £100."
After A Minute Or Two, John Indicates That He Is Interested.
She Tells Him That Since Bill Works Friday Afternoons And John Doesn't, John Should Come To Her House Around 2:00 Pm On Friday.
Friday Came And John Went To Her House At 2:00 Pm. After Paying Her £100 They Went To The Bedroom, Had Sex, And Then John Left.
Bill Came Home About 6:00 Pm. He Asked His Wife, "Did John Come By This Afternoon?" Reluctantly, She Replied, "Yes, He Did Stop By For A Few Mintues."
Next Bill Asked, "Did John Give You £100?"
She Thinks 'Oh Hell, He Knows!' Finally She Says, "Yes, He Did Give Me £100."
"Good," Bill Says. "John Came By The Office This Morning And Borrowed £100 From Me. He Said That He Would Stop By Our House On His Way Home And Pay Me Back."
:S2::S3:
Pick-Up Lines That Could Get You Killed
01. If You And I Were Squirrels, Could I Bust A Nut In Your Hole?
02. I'd Like To Wrap Your Legs Around My Head And Wear You Like A Feed Bag.
03. If It's True That We Are What We Eat, I Could Be You By Morning!
04. How Do You Like Your Eggs: Poached, Scrambled, Or Fertilized?
05. I Was About To Go Masturbate And I Needed A Name To Go With Your Face.
06. My Love For You Is Like Diarrhea, I Just Can't Hold It In.
07. Roses Are Red. Violets Are Blue. I Like Spaghetti. Let's Go Fuck.
08. Is That A Keg In Your Pants? 'Cause I Would Love To Tap That Ass!
09. If Your Right Leg Was Thanksgiving, And Your Left Leg Was Christmas, Could I Meet You Between The Holidays?
10. You Remind Me Of A Championship Bass, I Don't Know Whether To Mount You Or Eat You!
11. Your Parents Must Be Retarded, Because You Are Special.
12. Could I Touch Your Belly Button . . .From The Inside?
13. I'm Not Too Good At Algebra, But Doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How About We Play Lion And Lion Tamer? You Hold Your Mouth Open, And I'll Put My Head In.