Anybody here been through a horrific tragedy that has you fucked up mentally forever? Changed you? Altered your life and lifestyle? How you think? The person you used to be/are now? There has to be someone out there that can relate to me.
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Anybody here been through a horrific tragedy that has you fucked up mentally forever? Changed you? Altered your life and lifestyle? How you think? The person you used to be/are now? There has to be someone out there that can relate to me.
Oh yes quite a few times actually. I'd rather not get into it though.
Next?
I got car-jacked at gun point by 6 men dressed in black with ski-masks on when I was like 3. I still remember it very detailed. Probally scared me emotionally and is partially why I am paranoid on/off the road. We were car-jacked behind my house next to where the Northhollywood metro station is. Just me and my mom in the car. My dad had actually noticed 6 men for the past month around the area sorta just looking at us when we came home. I believe the car was a ford thunderbird, brand new. It also fucked my mom up kinda. She is afraid to drive at night, and afraid to drive in small areas. She actually tries to drive as little as possible(while still being able to function somehwat normally).HAHA I thought this thread was involving traffic incidents! Well I have WAY more. Some include, multiple hallucinations throughout my life since I can remember. Feelings of extreme paranoia at all times. Multiple suicide attempts by age 5. My parents own suicide attempts. All the physical abuse inflicted on me and my mother. More on me, by both parents. Kinda the only times I saw my parents, they were fighting and took there anger out on me for w/e reason. Uhh pther random things could be having a crazy ass aunt who makes up bullshit stories and use to get me in trouble for no reason, and a weird (probally has pyscosis) cousin who would fuck with my head and tourment me all day everyday(same school, and I went to his house after school). I've tried killing people before too. I actually have no idea why no one has called the cops on me. I went into the hospital last year for a week or so, and that really allowed me to realize there was REALLY something wrong with me. Helped me find meds that made me feel normal. It kinda chnaged my outlook on life because it made me realize how diverse the universe is. Also I have been extensivley sudying philosophy and psychology and I am utterly confused now. I really have no idea what to think anymore thanks to studying those subjects. But all in all,I change so much so often because I haven't really reached a stable point in my life, and I still live with my parents. So I guess what I say doesn't really relate to what you are going through? Just say what's going on and I can give a specific example.
After telling a doctor (not a shrink) the circumstances behind a few of the terrible things that happened to me as a kid, he said that he was amazed that I didn't end up in jail, skid row or in a mental institution - and he didn't even hear the half of it, lol.
Don't give up, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know this from experience.
my lifes had some pretty fucked up shit happen to me and i'm only 16
my good friend overdosed from methadon 2 years ago and my mom has cancer, some other personal shit about myself that nobody knows, litterally, that has a will keep my life changed forever
when i eat a burger from steak and shake it burns when i take a shit. the burgers are so good but the pain is so bad. to me that is a tragedy
Man this is gonna be a long one but here it goes cause you have to understand my life from the beginning. I was raised by my moms and grandmom, dad passed at the age of 6. Didnt have a bad childhood but looking back on it the death of my father really changed me amongst other things. Family was pretty close, was just my mom, grandma, my brother and his wife, my uncle mainly. Anyway, about the age of 12 my uncle gave me a job working in his law office as he was a high profile criminal attorney back in the early 80's. If you have ever seen the movie Casino, the guys in the movie Nicky Santoro and his brother were actually Tony Spilltro and Michael Spillotro, these were his clients and were always at my house for dinner on Sundays. I had no idea who these guys were. I knew they carried guns but didnt really care i guess. While working at the office i was exposed to lots of murder scene photos and all kinds of shit i probably shouldnt have been seeing. Ive seen some very fucked up mob hit crime scene photos.
Later on in life 1991 my gransma dies, this is where the shit starts going downhill for me, I got hooked up with this girl who I eventually started selling coke with. I had 40 bucks to my name and i went into business. In a matter of two years I managed to have three people run my operation, made a huge Columbian connection, and basically take over an entire city area...no ripoffs whatsoever, I just had the best shit you could get.Late 1994 Im going out to the club to meet my Columbian guy and as I am walking down the block to the club a truck comes flying down the block and starts blastin my Columbian guys truck, killing him. 1995 rolls around and theres a drought for everybody but me. Sure enough my phone rings, the guy down the street wants a 1/4 kilo. No problem i tell him. I call my guy and he says hes on the way and my buddy walks down and gives me the money.Now mind the guy i am buying from I have dealt with for about 10 years. An hour later he shows up, I hand him the money, he gives me the bag and hes gone. So I go down the street to make the drop, go inside, and after opening the bag it turns out to be laundry detergent. Now this guy thinks I ripped him off and he wants his loot back, only one thing... I only got 1500 that was my end. Here is where the hostage situation begins. Me and my buddy are now in my buddys basement and this guy wont let me leave. To make a long story short, I call my cousin for the money and he senses something is wrong and calls a friend of his on SWAT. Anyway, SWAT comes and gets all of us and now were in the county. Fuckin judge set my damn bail at half a mil, calls me back in 1/2 hour later and then proceeds to tell me that after looking over my charges and the fact that they had been trying to find me for some time he couldnt let me walk the street for less than 750 grand. So I get bailed out, the charges are dropped due to toxicology negative.
1996 my mom dies.
Now Im living my life looking over my shoulder, dont know if this guys coming around or what. Needless to say i took my money and got out of the game. Well problem number 2. Over the years of selling I had acquired quite an arsenal of weapons. Guns, homemade rocket launchers, all kinds of shit. February 2002 i get a knock at the door, its the police looking for me cause some guns i had came up stolen and they traced it back to me. Needless to say they took all my shit and im off to jail again. Ended up getting a year probation and walking.
Here the last and final blow in life Im dealt…January 3, 2003 my entire family is found murdered execution style in their home, where I used to live. Included were my brother, my 18 year old niece, her boyfriend and their 2 year old son, my great nephew. When I show up at the scene im immediately taken into custody and to be interrogated for 3 days. Before you know it Im the prime suspect. They searched my house and found some old ammo i didnt even know i had and charged me with that and probation violation, just to keep me longer. So now im more fucked up than I have ever been and im interrogated by every law enforcement agency out. They were pulling out files from the DEA, the ATF ,FBI, you name it. My house where my girl and kids are was under 24 hour surveillence, theres news cameras and all kinds of shit, my kids were totally freaked out. It was pure chaos so I was told.Then to top all of it off while im in there i get a chance to call my good old uncle who is the attorney and him and my cousin have the nerve to ask me if i did it. I couldnt believe what i was hearing. My own family questioning me in this? It was at that moment I didnt know who to trust, more importantly i couldnt trust anyone. I was literally alone and that is a feeling i wish on nobody. To know that you have nobody on your side at a time like this was a double blow to me. At this point I just said fuck it and talking out loud and laughing sorta, I said “ok God I give up, just keep sending me shit I can take it” I felt like I was literally losing my mind. And just as I asked for, the shit kept coming…
Anyway im released on bond again after finally finding my buddy i was with practically the whole weekend and he verified where I was.. Now im home and i feel like a complete stranger in the world. I personally thought I had been killed or somehow transferred into hell. I didn’t know anybody anymore. My neighbors didn’t speak to me like they used to. Life as I knew it existed no more and had been destroyed and changed forever for me in a matter of seconds. My family is looking at me., im lookin over my shoulder, cause whoever did this is still on the loose with a machine gun they stole, which was why all of this happened to begin with, but ill get to that. My life was coming apart bit by bit to me. Two weeks go by, I didn’t sleep but maybe a half hour a day. Didn’t come out very much and when I did believe me I was armed to the teeth and was a walking paranoid timebomb. Any way about two weeks later the phone rings and its my brothers best friend who lived next door to my brother. He tells me that his brother was just murdered on his backporch right next door to my brothers house. Here we go all over again. Now im really freaking out. I cant sleep at all cause im thinkin whoever this is, is coming for me..and I don’t know who it is and they damn sure gotta know me. I guess this is where the reality sets in that at any given point I may and will have to take someones life if need be and that’s not a feeling that I am comfortable with what so ever. Im so fucked up at this point I got cameras everywhere and aint nobody goin nowhere in or out this door without me seein and hearing them. I was so fucked up I couldn’t even go to the funerals..I went to my family wake and that was almost too much for me to withstand.
Over the next couple of days 3 more people are killed and another shot but he lived. A week later the guy who did it is cornered in a nearby motel and blows his brains out. Turns out there was two of them and the one who killed himself turned out to be the 18 year old boy who lived next door to my brother. Another boy was arrested as well and is in jail waiting for trial to start. Thing that really bothers me is that my family did not deserve this, me maybe, I know I destroyed a lot of lives, but them..no way. I also feel guilty because I know that if I was there this would not have happened. I know me and it wouldn’t have..Oh and lets not forget the part where I went into the house and what I saw was just unbelievable. There was blood everywhere, on the walls, on the ceiling…It was so surreal.
6 months later Im more fucked up than ever, totally depressed, totally fucked up and find out my fiancĂ©e is cheating on me. We have been together for 13 years, I have nobody left but her and my kids and she goes and does this. What the fuck? Why now? To be perfectly honest it didn’t hurt me really I guess because I was already so hurt so badly, it just made me look at her differently and I will never ever have the respect I did for her.
So here I am, still fucked up, dealing with a whole lot of emotions and anger and shit you never know you had inside of you until something like this happens and then they are released. I never ever knew what it felt like to whole heartedly hate someone. I have been to shrinks and they cant understand this shit not to mention I don’t trust them either. They’re just handing out meds to keep you even more fucked up. I know that the way I view life and everything about it has changed. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD with severe anger issues and homicidal tendencies and am state certified crazy.
Oh there is more..i now am faced with the fact that there may be another person involved, who knows? This other guy that’s in jail may get off..then what do I do? If he is convicted this will definitely be a death penalty case and if found guilty will be executed. He is being charged with 4 counts of capital murder, home invasion, armed robbery and a few others. Who ever thought my life would have come to possibly going to witness an execution. This is some tv type shit from someone else life, this definitely cant be my life..what the fuck happened?
Anyway the whole thing started over an uzi submachine gun my brother had from when he was back in the service. The kid next door decided to rob my brother for the gun one night, and once inside everything went wrong and everyone was killed. Life is so fucked up for me right now, mentally fucked up, no money, lost all my property to foreclosure, in a fucked up no trust relationship. I must admit I miss what little bit of relationship I had but I know deep in my heart I cant trust her. She has lied to me and I must consider her as the rest of my so called family. My real reason staying with her is our kids. I have hit rock bottom. So that’s my deal…sorry this was so long and maybe it was a little venting, feels good to tell someone cause its not like I have many friends anymore. I have a couple of true friends that never left me but the rest just conveniently disappeared maybe because I have become a different person or maybe they are just scared or have thoughts like my family.
I know I have learned a lot of valuable lessons from all of this one being tell whoever you love you love them cause you may not be able to when you decide to. The people that take life for granted have never had it snatched away unnecessarily.
reading suhls post was a tragedy
no i sure haven't, i'm 100% normal and i act just like you're average person...
I have been through alot. Growing up, I thought it was perfectly normal for husbands to lock their wife outside in the cold, to cuss at them, to shove them down on the floor, and much more. My dad is dead now, but those are the things he did to my mom, and to me to a lesser extent.
I have been through other things as well, but they are things I would rather not share with the world.
Sam, thank you, i find it very easy to ignore ignorant people these days..they do nothing but show their true intelligence level. which obviously isnt much to worry about.
:)
ill admit, ive had a few suhl-like posts
I read my horrorscope for the first time a few weeks ago"from a post here BTW"... It read that my life is one trama after another and man is that true!!! I feel like the minute I solved one tragedy the next one rears it's ugly head... I am always battling and never at peace...
sounds like my life... but the bad part is i'm just now begining my life.... =/Quote:
Originally Posted by Skink
We peeps just need to keep positive I guess... If we dwell on the bad it will end in defeat,,,Keep positive Slip...Quote:
Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho
i've been keepin it positive, or trying to atleast...
i garuntee you otherwise i woulda flipped out over hearing my brother is moving to TN... but no, i was determined (and still am, one hurdle isn't enough, i wanna make the whole race consistant lol..) to keep calm, and think about it logically....
Just want to say another thing... there are many things I want to control,,,if your like me you are a control freak to... We can't really control everything and I lose it at that point because now my neat orderly plan won't work... I learned to throw this shit to my higher power...
I know you don't believe in God but,,, believe in something,,,energy,,,mr smiley face,,, anything and lay some shit in thier hands... there is something throwing shit at you ,,,Why not throw it back...
lol skink, finally your name is bolded! now you can wear your crown in all your true glory (you luck bastard ~runs off mumbling...~
yes i'm a control freak, i fucking hate things being out of my control... (isn't it kinda funny i married a control freak too? yet, lol we don't put 'control freak type shit on our baby... but everything else of our life.. WATCH THE FUCK OUT! lmfao!)
i'm slowly learning to let shit go... it's kinda hard at first, but i'm learning...
also, i do believe in something, i just don't believe in 'god'.. mostly the way the bible is... i believe there's a higher power, i mean damnit, you'd be naive to think all this happened for no reason at all... but i just like to sum it up in the name karma...
do to others as you would have them do to you, has never steered me wrong NEVER... the bible, i've read it quite a few times, i just find to many inconsistancies.... i stopped believing in the christain-type god along time ago, but i do beleive there is something up there, watching us.. i do believe there is something there, with a guiding hand that helps us through things..
but i just call it karma. do bad, you will have bad thrown upon you, do good you will be blessed with good.... and by that i've tried to live my life as good as i possiblly can (by good i mean from a moral standpoint, not just what makes me feel good) and i was given my son.. which is a whole nother story... lol)
Damn Slip, every word you said about yourself fits me to a t. I am in the exact situation with my control freak fiancee. Yes I most definitely am a control freak big time. Im so bad i dont even fly anymore. Its not that i am afraid of flying its two things. The first being Im not flying the plane and its too far out of my control. Secondly, if by some chance someone decides to act a fool on the plane, i WILL be a problem. I live my life in survivor mode at all times and my will to live may kick in a little too early now and things will get way out of control..guess thats another reason i stay away from people.
Yeah im with you on the religion. I definitely believe there is a God but I also believe God lies in you and your heart along with karma. Project good karma to people and the same will come to you. I look at it like this, i dont bother anyone, noone should bother me. All i ask is to be left alone by people. Should you choose to cross the line and pose a threat to me then, well just be prepared to reap the whirlwind.
Ive also noticed that now its like i cant turn my brain off. its constantly going and moving and i have become obsessed with reading and learning new shit about anything and everything. its like somebody opened up a door inside my brain and i cant close it.
Yes i know i am really fucked up and i didnt realize it until i found myself camped out in front of the guys moms house ready to go in and do the same thing he had done to me. I can remember having these flashes of my daughter going through me head and i guess then i took it as a sign from somewhere that I was about to send my daughter through the exact same thing we had just been though and that i just couldnt do. Not to mention i really aint comfortable knowing that my name has flown around in the homocide department as to being a serial murderer.
Anyway i just take it day by day for now and keep my nose clean.
one time i wanted to wacth a tv show at seven, but when i went to watch it, it turned out that is was actually on at seven easten time. it turned my world upside down. needless to say i am still trying to pick up the pieces and mend this broken dream as best as i know how.
shame on you for not taking my tragedy seriously. to me an even that life altering shouldnt be the but of your cruel remarks. you can judge me, and i guess i am ok with it because in the end i know god will judge you:hippy:Quote:
Originally Posted by trynagethigh
That sounds like the worst one so far.Quote:
Originally Posted by Billionfold
call it what you will suhl, i dont judge..I call it like I see it, a definite difference in intelligence levels between us two. I am totally intolerable to ignorance and ignorant people, but then again there are always going to be people who feel the need to have to say something just because they want attention..some not, some want to listen and maybe learn something. In the end it all boils down to whether you are comfortable with who you are. If so, live your life your way, just dont bring it around me because the only person your hurting in the end is yourself.
:cool: :cool:
you just did judge...you said i dont judge, then follwed it up by judging my intelligence. if you dont believe these serious tragedies altered my life then you can go to hell. i really wanted to see that show, it was a new episode of a minute with stan hooper, and that show wasnt on the air very long. when a man is stripped of his freeedom and degraded in the ways that i was his perspective on life changes a little bit. im just trying to learn from the past and trying to us those experiences to survive in this cold unforgiving world. right now im getting by day by day, not one going by without me thinking of when i missed that show. god if only i could turn back the clock and spend that blissful half hour with norm macdonald, but no, i didnt take time zone into consideration. i could be asking, why me? but i know god has a plan for everyone. without that life shaking experience i wouldnt be the man i am today. after that fateful day i had to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and crawl back to start. you cant even fathom what ive been through. i guess you just havent seen the things ive seen, otherwise i think you might understand
the flyers this season qualifies as a serious tragedy. dead last in the standings.
you say that because of your low intelligence level. in the end you are only hurting yourself. i guess it just boils down to whether or not you are comfortable with you. it sounds to me like you just wnat attention. well one of these days you will see you really are only hurting you. i think you may need to get in touch with someone...yourself:(
Like I said suhl, I live my life my way, and you yours. I have no bad karma with anyone, you included. Were just two different people from two different sides of the tracks. If you consider missing a tv show a tragedy, God forbid your house burn down and everyone you know inside dies. What would that be to you?
As far as me wanting attention, definitely not, I have had more attention that I could ever ask for not to mention I have three kids who i get plenty of attention from, wanted or not. And what I said was that some people just want to be heard because they lack attention, hell maybe they just want to hear themselves talk..who the hell knows. If that offended you personally, then i would have to say you need to look at yourself first because it wasnt directed towards you, it was a plain and simple statement with no name attached.
As far as me getting in touch with myself, believe me i have been there and found plenty about me, some good and some bad, its just a shame that the bad has outweighed the good in my life but everyday that changes for me as I become a little bit wiser with every sunset and every sunrise.
:jointsmile:
i can always get another house or have another kid, a minute with stan hooper will never be back on the air.
I want to try to forget it, but even when I think i've totally forgotten it, it comes up sometimes in my dreams... odd.
OMG YOU KNEW NICKY SANTORO? Casino is definetly one of my favorite movies be far. I was just watching it yesterday on TV. I think that would be so cool. I was holding out to join on 4/20 (just so i could say I did) but this is my first post and I couldn't resist. What was he like? It may be more glamorous in the movie but I think that would have been awesome to eat dinner with Nicky Santoro. Sorry to hear about the other things in your life, but i flipped when I read that.Quote:
Originally Posted by trynagethigh
420 they were just average people to me at the time as i was still young and a little naive to what they were actually into. I do remember my grandma getting hundreds of dollars worth of lottery tickets almost every week and i remember another guy used to always bring us fresh fruit and whatnot. They really liked my grandmas cooking and on the sundays they did come by, believe me we ate. Nicky Santoro was actually just the movie name that was given. The story itself is based off of the Spilotro brothers. I do remember that my uncle fought so badly to get them buried by the catholic church but they never did allow it.
Truth be told ive met a lot of the older wiseguys that were up and coming rising stars back then. Most are dead now or have skated through life and are now either retired or have even moved up on the chain..i dont know personally. Whats really strange is when i watch a&e sometimes i see the stories about these guys and lawyers i knew way back then.
Yeah,,,the balls are the pitz...
I saw my dads balls once too. I wish they would of closed the door to their room when they slept. I wasnt right for years...LOL:)
I didn't know that the real life Robert deniro and Joe Pesci were brothers I thought that they were friends because thats what I remember from the movie. Did your uncle ever comment on how much of that movie he thought was fact and how much was fiction. And what do you think they would say if they were alive to see Casino today?Quote:
Originally Posted by trynagethigh
Saw my mom blowing my dad. I was four, so I asked what she was doing. She said,"Daddy is sick and I am giving him medicine." Needless to say, this experience contributed to my pre-existing reluctance to take medicine.
for everyone who is making jokes, you shouldn't be. I've seen my dads and grandpa's balls before too, and it's not gonna make your world come crashing down. I dont even know why I feel it's even necessary to say that because I know you're just trying to be funny anyways. There are alot of people who have serious problems and your just amking fun of them.
to follow up on this, suhl, maybe you should try shoving the burger up your ass like on south park, it's not like anymore diarhea (sp) could possible spew from your mouth.Quote:
Originally Posted by 420marijuana420
420 we have never really got into the reality of what actually happened in those casinos but im sure the movie was pretty accurate. Another thing i noticed that the movie never really delved off into was the adult and pornography industry that was controlled by them on Wells Street in Chicago. I can vividly remember stumbling on plenty of the porno magazines in my uncles storage cabinets with the case files. Unfortunately due to the extenuating circumstances that happened in my life my uncle and i do not speak what so ever. I dont need people in my life that dont trust me but call me family.
I understand your feelings here and I respect them... I throw levity all over the place,,,it is just my nature...Quote:
Originally Posted by 420marijuana420
I mean no disrespect to anyone in this thread...