Printable View
i'm in a really unstable mood right now, i don't wanna go off on any of you, so i'm done for the night, i'm gonna go for the night, so you can stop checking my posts (or any post that you're expecting an answer from me for) just dont' want anyone to think i went and od'd or soemthing.....
Well good, I did see your post lookin for some pill. Just goto sleep man or somthin. Give it a rest. Im not sure what bothered or but it cant be that bad can it?
i don't want this to sound emo, but i'm a failure at life, i can list all the reasons why, but i'd rather not ya'know? just take my word for it... the only good things i've done in my life is love my child and want to be there for him, and marry my wife... everything else i've fucked up my life one time after another after another.. i mean serious fuck ups, not 'i got caught with weed in school'....Quote:
Originally Posted by ToDrunkToFish
i know how you feel about being in an unstable mood... the past 3 days... ive been feeling really low... i got so fucking depressed, that i started drawing... and i drew in "bubble" "letters, life is like a party" then underneath it all... "meaning:the longer you stay around the more likely youll get fucked"
i dont know... but while i was drawing that... i had a while to think about whats wrong with my life(didnt really figure it out other then cops, court and school) and then today... i skiped school... and went to the public library and picked up a maginen called "the outdoors man" or something like that... and its basicaly all about making stuff for cabins, how to make survival kits to help you out if your to ever get lost in the woods... and how to make stuff to basicaly get by in life in the boonies...(something i dream of is someday owning a hand(my hands and maybe my kids hands and a few friends only*im not going to hire some one to build it*) built cabin in a big ass forest full of trees and animals off all sorts to be able to hunt when i want to and a nice sized stream(small river) full of fish... to be able to fish when i want... and for it to be out were i can do damn near anything i want... i just got lost in describing that but yea) basicaly, i just got lost in that magasine... and then i picked up a magazin about off roading and stuff like that... and was fealing really happy showing my friend(i would love to date her) all of the stuf that i want to some day put on my truck, that will be the only way to get to my cabin...
and then we got up to leave to go down to the gym to work out... and all of a suden, i just felt really fucking sad agin... and then we got closer to the gym... and i saw some one from the court, and also relised i forgot i had counceling today... and almost broke out in tears...
i guess me and you are just having PMS(if we were girls LOL) lets go eat a tub of ice cream and a few dozen snickers bars... ohh ohh and then some shamesticks(a stick of butter dipped in surgar, its from a movie or some show)
yea... basicaly thats what im feeling is im a fuck up in life... and that im disapointing everyone around me... i mean i live in a very small town... (its a logging town... and theres only one lumber mill... so it is fucking small...) but anyways, i missed all last week of school due to my fucked up sleeping patterens stay up for a few days, fall asleep for 24 hours... be up for a few more days, crash out for another 24 hours... well... i preaty much slept for the whole week...Quote:
Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho
the other day-
the girl in the main office when i walked in their said "william i was so glad when i saw you come back to this school, and to see you hanging out with all of those kids youve known all of your life... and you were doing so good... and when you first started going to school up here, you were at school everyday even befor i was here, but these past couple of weeks youve really missed quite a few days"
and then i went to my shop class, and the shop teacher(one of the best teachers in our school... of course, hes tought me more about math then my fucking math teachers) said, william, when i heard you were coming back to town, i told galbrith that i wanted you in as many classes as you could be put in, and i was so happy when i saw you at school everyday, and standing out side my class waiting for class to start, and just ready to work, and always got right on what was needed to be done, but lately, you havent been to my class in a few days, and you havent been doing 100% on your prodjects..."
and then i went to my math class, and he handed us a test, and i just sat there for about 15 to 20 minutes, and after that, i just started looking around the room, and he looks at me and i look at him(its weird, i can tell when people are looking at me) and he just says confused.... so i crumpled my test up tossed it in the trash... and sat down and started drawing, everyone else finished the test and he started explaing the next lesson, so i stop drawing, and after a few minutes i just got totaly lost, and picked my stuff up and said im going... talk to you later, hes just says"start reading over the book, you might have a chance to catch up befor we get to far ahead see ya latter" so i left feeling realy down, so i went smoked a ciggeret, injoyed a nice dip of chew... and finaly the next bell rang, so i went and got my shit for english...
in english class... i went and sat down in my desk... and i sit there for like 5 minutes after she dose attendence, and after that 5 minutes shes like ohh hi william, do you have an admit slip, then you need to go get one... so i went and got it and then got back to class, i sat down and looked at my desk and there was a paper there, and when i got back, she stood up and started explaing the lesson to the class... i was able to pay attention for a few minutes... but then she said something that i didnt under stand, and she told me to hold on when i went to ask her... about it... and she told me to hold on, she finaly ended the lesson, and asked me what i was going to ask her, and i said never mind, and threw my paper in the trash, and took my drawing back out, and countiued to work on it... then class finaly got out, i went and got some water, and walked towards my house for lunch and a ciggeret... i asked my mom for some monney to run to the store for food, and she told me she was broke...so i went to my room to find my stale chips, and started eating them...
and then it came to my mind all of the shit the teachers had all said to me this morning, and i was like great... another year that ive fucked up. and more people ive let down... and i just desided to sit down eat my chips and draw some more
yea... i guess a few people that will call me a emo or what ever... and a few people will say that im just looking for sympathy... but im not emo... and im not looking for sympathy... i guess i just want some one to tell... and i dont really trust most of my friends that good to tell them about my day... and that the boards are better the keeping it in...
Gee a child and a wife that loves you. You are so lucky! Do not fuck this up.Quote:
Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho
I do not care how bad everything seems, you have a lot of good things going on.
You can give my all the excuses you want to but you have 2 good reasons not to throw in the towel.
You child and your wife. Two things I do not have.
Shape up for them. You are a lot stronger than you think.
Yea I have fucked up more than you in life and I am a hell of a lot older than you.
Life is not for quitters. You can transcend any of these so called failures.
I am not trying to piss you off but get it together. Your wife and child need you.
Hey Slip,,, I missed this... keep the child in mind,,,you are blessed to have a caring wife and a healty child... You will get through this bro... you got such a big family here too,,, remember that...
Skink!!!
well, after a nice long chat with my wife (which never happens) and 3 of the anti-depressants i'm feeling alot more collected and stable.... i know i have two good reasons, which is why i dropped the razor after only two slices on my uppper fore-arm, and told my wife to take it before i do something stupid and leave my son without a father...
i'm also guessing alot of you don't understand depression...
here you go: a poem i wrote awhile ago..
Suffering and somthering in this cloud
It's depression in the form of a shroud
It covers me up and I just can't take it
Not another trip I just won't be able to make it
I'll never survive another one of these
I don't care what everyone else sees
It's not so easy to just be free
And I'm not just make a scene
Theres nothing to be done to intervene
I don't intend to set of this chain of events
But to you none of this makes any sense
Because youve never experienced any of this
It's all fake is what you constantly insist
Try for once living my life as I do
Then you'll see why I am am dreaming,
Dreaming of the knife instead of you
Slashing my wirsts and never being missed
depression consumes you, it fucks with your thought process and you are unable to think logically... atleast for the most part... i don't want this, but i'm stuck with it i guess.. i try to make the best of my life and do what's right.. but you know, somtimes it becomes too much to handle... which leads to shit like 'tonight' i know lately i'm probably seeming like an attention seeking emo... but i'm honestly not trying to be, i consider you guys friends, and when i get 'down' i come here to get help/confidence/and logic. so i'm not seeking attention, i'm seeking people's help/guidance i'd consider friends...
I'm willing to bet more people understand it then you think, I don't know anything about you dude, and i was going to be a dick and tell you to get back to your wife and kids, but if you feel that you have a serious mental unstability thats not going to ease itself away, seek help.Quote:
i'm also guessing alot of you don't understand depression...
also i read that you started taking an anti-d.
If you don't mind me handing you some experince, i'd like to say one thing; don't get too hung up about taking them man, they only mask problems.
A lot of time depression comes from mental illness, but it seems that yours comes from regret and unadressed problems. Just like your pain, problems don't go away, and things just don't happen.
fix things before you sprial too far down,
once you start cutting yourself it just gets easier and easier...
Stay positive Slip.
I know this sounds cliche, but someone always has it worse than you.
Stop wallowing in your self-worth. There are people that care for you and love you. Don't hurt them. Turn to them.
You gotta shake it off and realize life is short, don't waste it.
Hope you feel better. :)
I was dianosed as depressed, and it probalby feels like your life cant get any lower or worse, it just seems impossible to do anything or want to do anything because you feel trapped. Just trapped unable to do anything or want to do anything, except want to take your own life.
Id admit I tried to take my life several times but the tears in my moms eyes, I couldnt forget. Till this day, everytime I even think of wanting to kill myself, I think of my moms tears, it stops me.
You have a wife and a child, dont kill yourself, at least try for them, they are worth the effort arent they?
i hope you got some help last night...and remember you are a dad and your son loves you
i slit my wrist once, doctor says i was exteamly lucky to not of cut the main arteriers, i didnt really need to be TOLD that cuz i could see all my main arteriers right in front of me behind all the blood
my advice would be to seek advice from people that arnt on the internet.. maybe you should talk to your wife about w.e this problems about, but its gotta be a pretty big problem to make a thread like this
Your absolutely right depression does consume and over powers you! I've dealt throughout my life an on going battle with depression, I'm finally at a point where it only takes control at the odd time, but when it does i feel like I loose a bit of myself everytime.Quote:
Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho
Your poem is very powerful, and insightful! Keep writing your thoughts, Writting poems is the only thing at times that kept my sanity in place when i was younger. I can be utterly and completly honest when I write my poetry howvere dark and depressing some of my poems may be, but they are outlets of my pain, and suffering.
I tried to find a poem I wrote on depression, but all I could find is this poem:
I hear his Footsteps as he apraches from behind
Whispering painful memories upon my Backside
I Shiver and tremble for I fear and know him well
All too well in the years past
At times he was my Only companion and a dreadful one at that
His Cold hand grabs my shoulder and turns me about
He looks at me with those dark cold eyes
The cold malice of his essence sinks deep into my heart
He Takes control of my Mind and body again
I wish to escape his precence to escape his grasp
His grip is strong but I am stronger
Depression will not allways take Control
One day I will be free from his hold on me
Until that day I shall suffer
The other poem I wrote was a bit better, but I can't find it oddly enough, and sad too cause it was my favorite poem :(
But I guess what i'm tryin to say Slip, is in this world there are many people who suffer from depression too. I trully hope one day you will be able to take hold of your depression, and be released from its dreadful grip! Until then hanging in there!
hope you feel better soon mate
Well you've nearly 9k posts, so thats good in my book. I hope things get better for you man.
Hey there Slipknot, are you feeling any better today? I wanted to tell you that you are definitely not alone. Like many other posters here, I too suffer from depression and anxiety. About 3 months ago, it got to the point where I knew I wasn't going to get better on my own, so I sought the help of a good psychiatrist. She prescribed me Zoloft, and after being on it for 3 months, I feel 100% better. I have motivation now, more patience, I'm less SHITTY. I'm not saying meds are for everyone, but it worked for me, and I look at it as a tool. It doesn't have to be for forever. I wanted to be a better wife and mother, and it has helped me do that. I hope things get better for you, we're here for you!
Last night i was talkin to my gf on the phone, and i just broke down and cried. I think it was cuz i've been in trouble with weed and the parents a lot lately, and i haven't been able to see her as much as i'd like to. And i love her a lot, and i guess it was just building all up inside of me, and i just had to let it goo..sometimes crying can be good for you.
I hope you find yourself in good spirits today... Try hanging up the booze bro,,,it intensifies your dilema... Do your best to break the pattern,,,your childs future depends on it,,,a child learns most of their behavioral pattern from ages 0 to 5...
I Pray to God he helps you to feel good about yourself... I am no stranger to depression and it is misunderstood by people who don't feel it because it is pretty unexplainable...
From the heart bro...
Skink
I hope you're feeling better today, too, Slipknot. I wasn't online last night and didn't see your threads till today. So sorry you had a rough night. They happen. I have 'em too. I'm pretty well convinced that dark winter days don't help, either. Many hugs to you, my sweet friend. Much love and peace to you.
hope you are doing ok slip
I've been busy as all get out lately and haven't been on much, but I hope you get to feeling much better. My thoughts and prayers are with ya.
You need a toke, and go see a psychologist, take it slow and feel the groove
Hope ya get better soon, my mother suffers from depression aswell.
I've been trying to kill myself since I was like 4 years old man, depression sucks ass. Just try to stay positive, think about your kid and wife too. And as a shitty concelation prize, I have to say I don't think you are a fuck up, even though I don't know you I got mad respect for you and your posts are ussually insightful to me. Hang in there man.
Matt, I had to put that in my sig.
Slip man anything I say will most likely be a repeat of what a dozen other people have said, and probaly many more will say before this thread becomes lost in the vast maze that is the listed pages of boards.cannabis.com
You have a wife that loves you and a son with a father. I never knew my dad. And you know, I honestly couldn't give a fuck how my father was (as long as he didn't beat my mom or something like that) if he had just been there. A lot of things in my life would be different if I had grown up with my dad. Maybe for good, maybe for worse. But I would have come out a more sound person if I atleast knew him I think. I've never met him so I really can't say. But just being there for your son will mean more to him than anything.
Suicide. I've thought about it a few times. Held a knife to my wrist and some pills in my hand. But I couldn't ever go through with it. A permanent solution to life's trouble. The only thing that ever kept me from going through with it was believing that without my knowledge, or with it, i'd make people happy, and maybe I am making atleast someone smile now and then.
You try to be a good father, and you have a loving wife. Hold onto those things you find most sacred slip, even the little things.