Self Fulfilling Dilemma (How do I escape?)

I've recently stoped smoking because I have realized that I was using it to fill a hole in my life. I have no significant other and have rarely ever had that kind of relationship. I am 24 years old. I am not a virgin, but I've had very limited sexual experience. (I've had several one time hookups that were awkward and altogether not very enjoyable) I've only been in a real relationship once and it lasted all of a month. I have always been a little off the pace when it came to these kind of things but I'm about to graduate from college and enter the real world. I am not a bad looking guy. I don't have any weird ticks or stupid habits (other than biting my fingernails). I like being around people and am not overly stressed out about social situations. I just have absolutely no confidence with girls. I don't know where this comes from other than the fact that I have had horrible luck with women in the past. I also get extremely nervous when I do get to an intimate situation with a girl I like. I have had sex before, but it's always been weird and turned out to be a bad idea. I have been internalizing all of this for so long and I am desperately in need of outside opinion. How do I get myself out of this hole? How do I keep all my previous failures and bad experiences from fucking up things with any new prospects. Anyone else heard of anyone else like this? I feel uniquely fucked up.

you should work on your confidence before you try to get any girls. we can smell insecurity.

you're thinking about sex, when really you should start with smaller steps and work on friendships. i would also consider the eHarmony date site. it has a different approach then the others and i know many couples that support this site. i believe that the first 7 days are free.

What hole in your life were you trying to fill?
You might also consider counseling.

I as an early teen, forced myself into social situations with both genders, this exposed my strengths and weaknesses and so I became confident in both. I also joined a gym and have been a weightlifter for quite some time. Dressing nicely, and talking to yourself(strictly in your head) and saying positive thigns about yourself as wella s negative is a good thing. Focus on the positive but don't be scared of the negative(embrace the negative sides, and you will be at your best at all times.)

There are no bad experiences or mistakes. These are all opportunities to improve your art.

Laughter is a secret to a woman's heart.

You sound extremely depressed and down about yourself. Loosen up and go have fun. The more fun you are having, the more it'll attract others towards you.

Give it a try, and stop analyzing things so much. It kills your soul.

you're not alone in your problem. I think its a pretty common one.

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Originally Posted by 2600HERTZ

I as an early teen, forced myself into social situations with both genders, this exposed my strengths and weaknesses and so I became confident in both. I also joined a gym and have been a weightlifter for quite some time. Dressing nicely, and talking to yourself(strictly in your head) and saying positive thigns about yourself as wella s negative is a good thing. Focus on the positive but don't be scared of the negative(embrace the negative sides, and you will be at your best at all times.)

There are no bad experiences or mistakes. These are all opportunities to improve your art.

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best post so far, building up and dressing nice can give you self confidence, whilst getting into as many social interactions as possible will as well, literally become super social and practice your small talk etc, im in your position but younger, this is what im doing. also reading some interesting books about increasing confidence these have good techniques in them that may also be found on the web, stop saying any negative things about yourself in your head as well, smile and keep your head up.

bytheway nevaquit your avatar is brilliant please tell me that is photoshopped!

Like I said I'm fine with social situation. Girls who are not avaliable I'm fine with. Guys never bother me. So I'm confident until it gets to where I'm talking to a girl I like. Nothing ever goes right at that point so no confidence is built. I really know if I could jsut be myself I'd be great with girls. I just always get to thinking too damn much.

My Avatar is photoshoped. I don't remember wher eI found it.

trick yourself into thinking if you don't get this girl then you don't really care. there's plenty of girls out there right? why is this one so special? i'm not saying treat girls like dirt, but it certainly helps yourself to go into a situation not thinking subconsciously that it's important you don't fuck up. what if you do fuck up? you'll be down on yourself for a while after that. that's why you must eliminate any doubt, even if you don't think it's there, look HARDER

Nevaquit01,

LoL, great avatar man!!!


I dont have any magical advice for you when it comes to women though... I use to be awkward too but through HS and right after I guess I just got lucky with a string of girls/gfs who pursued me and were sexually interested in me to the point I over came my insecurities and weirdness with girls I liked and had sex with... I think the only real thing to do when you feel the way you do is to just keep putting yourself in situation with girls you like until you get better at it... And I think once you get more comfortable being with girls you like the easier sex will get... Just my :twocents: I'm sure it didnt help but I really have no idea what to tell you!

Great avatar though :jointsmile:

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Originally Posted by blackbarbie

you should work on your confidence before you try to get any girls. we can smell insecurity.

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this is probably some of the best advice. If your confident, you wont care if you get the girl or not..........and the girls LOVE that.

Are you confident and otherwise normal as far as other parts of your life?

Are you generally not confident? Or is this strictly a girl thing?

Is this a female relationship issue or a sex issue?

strickly a girl thing.
Mostly a relationship issue.
I can get laid if I really want to. Drunk girls are everywhere at college. Thats just not my style though. (though it has happened once or twice)

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Originally Posted by napolitana869

you're not alone in your problem. I think its a pretty common one.

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yup

This is how I learned to talk to guys, so it might help you out.

When I was about 23, I started going to these parties... I had a friend that threw a speak-easy at his apartment once a month. What ended up happening is that the exact group of people, a few fading in and out, would go to his house and get drunk together, usually about fifty people a week. This went on for a few years, the same people partying together and bonding. Now, years later, they're still some of my closest friends, and one of them is my husband.

This little parable does have a point, believe it or not. Before I started going to these parties, I was absolutely mortified to initiate a conversation with the opposite sex, and it felt like I was fatally nervous. I became able to speak with them because we all got to know each other very well in a group setting, before getting to know each other one-on-one.

You say you've got friends, and social difficulty in general is not your problem. If you get nervous around girls when you're by yourself, then do what you can to meet up with them in group social settings. It's a lot less intimidating. Also, maybe you're one of those folks who really needs to get to know someone before intimacy is possible, and that's not a bad thing. Take your time, get to know them. Think of them as friends first, and then let the romantic attraction happen later on in the relationship. It'll make you a lot less nervous.

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Originally Posted by nevaquit01

I've recently stoped smoking because I have realized that I was using it to fill a hole in my life. I have no significant other and have rarely ever had that kind of relationship. I am 24 years old. I am not a virgin, but I've had very limited sexual experience. (I've had several one time hookups that were awkward and altogether not very enjoyable) I've only been in a real relationship once and it lasted all of a month. I have always been a little off the pace when it came to these kind of things but I'm about to graduate from college and enter the real world. I am not a bad looking guy. I don't have any weird ticks or stupid habits (other than biting my fingernails). I like being around people and am not overly stressed out about social situations. I just have absolutely no confidence with girls. I don't know where this comes from other than the fact that I have had horrible luck with women in the past. I also get extremely nervous when I do get to an intimate situation with a girl I like. I have had sex before, but it's always been weird and turned out to be a bad idea. I have been internalizing all of this for so long and I am desperately in need of outside opinion. How do I get myself out of this hole? How do I keep all my previous failures and bad experiences from fucking up things with any new prospects. Anyone else heard of anyone else like this? I feel uniquely fucked up.

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IDK but,,,thats a cool avy...

It is excellent that you are taking stock of your situation, and curtailing your smoking habits in order to open yourself up more to the bountiful possibilities around you in college.

You've gotten some good advice here: Group socializing and establishing some solid friendships with women are both good ways to build your confidence and take yourself out of the mindset that your past experiences are going to repeat themselves.

I'm wondering:

• Do you have trouble recognizing when a woman is flirting with you (perhaps because you are kind of wrapped up in your own anxiety)?
  
• Do you have any women in your life whom you consider to be true friends? Is there one with whom you'd feel comfortable talking about this? Someone who knows you well and has observed you in social situations might have some insights for you that this forum doesn't afford.
  
• You said, "I'm confident until it gets to where I'm talking to a girl I like. Nothing ever goes right at that point.." Could you elaborate on what you mean by 'nothing goes right'? Is it that you have trouble making conversation? Do you feel like you say the wrong thing? Is it hard for you to read what she might be thinking/feeling?

As others here have indicated, you are definitely not "uniquely fucked up." *wink* Lots of people feel awkward in situations with people to whom they feel attracted. Being something of a late bloomer in this area can even be advantageous! You are looking at things now with a mindful maturity that a younger guy just doesn't have. This means you can make better choices and avoid bad relationship habits. Once you're ready for real emotional & physical intimacy with someone, you'll respect and appreciate it more, and learn more from it than you would have 5 years ago.

It will happen for you.

I dont know if this has been adressed yet but why dont you go find a hot little chick who's into smoking weed and smoke up with her. thats what i did.