A New Joke Thread

I tried to find the old threat...I hope this one hasn't been posted before:

Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks the first if she's ever sinned.
"Well", she admits, "I once saw a man's penis."
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven", he tells her. Peter then asks the second nun if she's ever sinned.
"Well", she replies, "I once held a man's penis."
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven", he says.
Suddenly, the fourth nun rushes past the third to get in the front of the line. "What's the hurry?," St. Peter asks.
The nun answers, "I want to gargle the holy water before she sits in it!"

Ha ha ha ha!!

good 1

Ha ha nice!

HaHa Jane Okay here's a joke, but people in their teens or twenties might only get it.. Maybe... IDK. Anywho. What did 50 cent say to his grandma After she knitted him a sweater?












Gee, you Knit?!?!

I dont get it, and im a teen turning 20 in les then 2 days.

lol, g-unit sucks

:confused:

Good joke, MJM :D

3 old ladies, sat on a park bench:

OAP#1: "Oh, isn't it windy today!"
OAP#2: "No dear, I thinks it's thursday."
OAP#3: "Yes, so am I - let's get a cup of tea."

lol...uh oh...here comes the long-handled hook!!!
:D

Hahaha!!!!!

fantastic!:D

Choice,luv it.Time fer another bwl.

im going old skool on you guys.
"why did the chicken cross the playground?" to get to the other slide!!!! lol its one of those jokes that its so bad its funny or not funny at all... AT ALL!!!
So an irish man walks OUT of a bar.. :cool:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Reefer Rogue

So an irish man walks OUT of a bar.. :cool:

---

Reminds me of another very old joke;

Seán O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, dear Jesus", he implored, "let it be blood!"

Edit: Paddy is a brand of Irish Whiskey btw

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LonerStoner

lol, g-unit sucks

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come on..the guy has been hit with a few shells yet does not walk with a limp! WOW :eek:

yea c'mon people hes in the club sippin on some bub... yo yo yo? i think thats how it goes becasue every rap song has yo in it if it doenst then it just plain sux ass!

Hahaha, Lulu!

A man applies for a job. After reviewing his application, the employer looks up and says,"Well, we have the perfect opening for a person such as yourself."
"Fantastic!" the man says, delighted. "What is it?"
"It's called the door! Now get the hell out of here!"

Cruel world.HAHA!~

What's worse than forty dead babies pilled in a pit?





the three babies at the bottom who are still alive eating their way out
~007~

here is an old one... but its the funniest joke ever..
Why was 6 afraid of 7??






Cause 7 8 9.... (7 ATE 9!).. get it? ha ha ha

ok, so this nun is cleaning the floors all alone in the church, and she starts to get really hot and sweaty, Im sure you can imagine.. wearing that thick black outfit... so she decides that since no one is around she is safe to take of her top... soon after there is a knock at the door.. Frantically, she asks who it is.. The man replies " its the blind man".. thankfull, she opens the door for the man. The man then says "nice tits lady, where do you want the blinds?"

Yea, nice joke, lil nunery never hurt no-one.Actaully I think I'll use that one at work.BRILLIANT!!!

Whatâ??s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kr1Nx01

Whatâ??s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

---

haha, :cool: i like that one!!!

a seal walks into a bar and the bartender says 'what'll you have?'
'anything but canadian club.'

a giraffe walks into a bar and says,"the high balls are on me."....


A polar bear walks into a bar and slams his front feet on the bar and says, " I'll have a ..............................Beer!"
The bartender says,
"What's with the big pause

Two stringbeans decide to cross the road.
One gets hit by a truck. So the other scrapes him off of the pavement and takes him to the Emergency Room.
The doctor comes out and says to the survivor, I have some good news and some bad news.
Hit me with the good news, Doc, the survivor says.
It looks like he'll live, the doctor says.
So what's the bad news?
It looks like he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life.

And finally, ...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in
hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun
in ten did!!!

What do you get when a midget psychic escapes custody?
A small medium at large.

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He went around denying the existence of dog.

Good ones Anne ~lol~ :D
Here's one I found on another board this morning..

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water he kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "HELL No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.... "MONICA, you're free to go!"

hahahahahahahahahaaaa!

Lulu, that was a fucking RIOT! :D Can you just hear George saying, "I ain't no homasexshul!"

Anne, nice ones...post more if you've got em.

Ok :D Last one today I swear ;)

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past

and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."



So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a

few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going

to get a drink from the river.



The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the

river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps

him to the side,then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"



The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a

joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the

river while taking a drink.



The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,

finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he

looks up and says "hey you!"



The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude....... :eek:

how much water did you drink?!!" :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by HigHAnneXities

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He went around denying the existence of dog.

---

I got a better version I heard:

What's the definition of dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A woman is shot in the tit 3 times and rushed to hospital.
When she finally awakes, the doctor sits her up and says
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. In order for you to live, we must remove your damaged breast. If we do not do so, you will die"
"Never!" the woman replies. "I can't go around with just one breast. Ill take the risk"
So after being suitably patched up, she goes on her way, and after a couple of weeks she reports back to her doctor that she is still alive.
"Well that is indeed good news, however you will now have to live with those 3 bullets inside your breast for the rest of your life."

The woman accepts this and goes on to have a family of 3 children, 2 daughters and a son.

One day, one daughter comes down and tells her mum that whilst having a wee, a Bullet emerged.
The mother runs her child through the incident and explains how it occured.

Another day, the other daughter comes downstairs and tells mum that whilst having a wee, a Bullet emerged.
Again, the mother explains the incident.

Soon afterwards, her Son comes downstairs.
"Don't tell me" the mother says. "You were having a wee and..."
"No mother. I was having a wank and I've just shot the cat":D

Hahahaha, Aps!

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biker are sitting at a bar. After a sip of his martini, the doctor says,"Tomorow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the rock, at least she'll like the car and she'll know I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer says, "Well, on my last anniversary I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she'd at least like the trip and she'd know I love her."

The biker takes a swig of his beer and says, "Oh, yeah? For my anniversary I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. That way, if she didn't like the shirt, she could go fuck herself."

A man is talking to his friend and is telling him about a night out he and his wife had a short while ago.

"We went to this wonderful restaurant last week. Hmmmm, what was the name of it? What is that flower, it's red, has thorns?"

" A rose?" his friend replies.

"That's it! Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"


A nun is talking with her Mother Superior. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, I was playing golf and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging ove the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards"

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle zoomed down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said "You missed the $#&*% putt, didn't you?"


A police office pulls over a speeding car. The office says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the office writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the office makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teet, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says. "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belf when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing the third ticket the driverturns to his wife and barks. 'WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking."


A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"Tell all of your sins, my daughter."

"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times." she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says. "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a gall glass and drink it."

"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"

"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"



A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."

"They don't"

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."


A mans walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."



A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The preacher notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says. "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The preacher dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Noooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and yells at the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


and finally.....
Two nuns are riding a tandem bicycle into town. After riding down a dirt road and across a bridge they come to a bumpy old brick road. The nun on the back says, "My, I don't think I've ever come this way before."
The other nun says, "Yes, it's the cobblestones. Aren't they wonderful?"

So a penguin is driving along and all of the sudden he starts having car trouble so pulls into a repair shop.

The mechanic looks at the car and says, well its gonna take me a little time to figure out whats wrong with it. Can you come back in 30 mins?

The penguin says fine and goes accross the street for an icecream, but the poor little guy doesn't have any hands to eat it with so he gets it all over his beak. After hes done he goes back to the repair shop.

The mechanic looks at him and says, Well, looks like you blew a seal.

The penguin says, no thats just icecream on my beak.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DojaDave

The mechanic looks at him and says, Well, looks like you blew a seal.

The penguin says, no thats just icecream on my beak.

---

LOL

good jokes, guys :D

omfg it hurts to read some of this :D:D

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
>>
>>The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one
>>morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to
>>Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
>>
>>Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
>>
>>"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
>>
>>Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together
>>in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
>>
>>"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
>>
>>Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
>>legs."
>>
>>The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now,
>>Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
>>
>>Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
>>the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she
>>was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down,
>>we'd have lost her."
>>
>>The nun fainted.

Hahahahahahahaha! :D

*No offence intended*

A chap is sat in the bar one night, having a quite drink. As he sits there, he notices an attractive lady walk in. Feeling luck is on his side, he goes over and starts talking to her.
As it turns out, they hit it off and before long, last orders (uhh, thats a uK thing!) is rang. Wanting to continue the conversation, he asks what she's up to next.
Feeling the same, she invites im back to hers.
As they walk back to her place, she turns to him and says "Look, I'm a bit embarrased to tell you this, but the fact is I stil live with my praents"
Not caring, and thinking "hey, I'm in with a shag, whatever", he replies that thats not a problem. However she continues:
"Thing is, my parents are deaf and dumb, so they use sign language alot to communicate, I just thought you should know that"
"thankts ok, thanks" he replies.
Soon they are back at hers and she lets them in. She closes the front door and sticks her head in the front room.
"Hi mum and dad, I'm back now"
Feeling he should be polite, he stick his head around the door to say hello.
As he does, he's greated by the site of her mother frigging herself with an empty beer bottle, and her father cupping his testicles in his hand and with matchsticks propping his eyes open.

Shocked, the chap comes out of the room and turns to the girl.
"what on earth is going on in there??!??" he says quite alarmed.
"I told you, they're deaf and dumb, so they are just communicating using sign language"
"Sigh language!?!?!" he yells, "What on earth are they saying to each other", to which she replies
"Well, she's saying 'get the beers in, you cunt' and he's saying 'Bollocks, I'm watching the match"


Tip - if you want to tell that joke to your friends, just remember the punchline and work back.....ahhhh thank you ;)

lol there are sum funny jokes in here i aint heard b4
ok this ones pretty gross

Two tramps walking down the street.One tramp turns to the other and says
"Have you shat yourself?"
No I haven't, you cheeky cunt! said the other.
I don't believe you, take off your pants and show me, says the first one. The second takes off his pants and sees a big, brown shit stain on his underpants.
"See, shitty drawers! You did shit yourself! You make me sick!" said the first one.
The shitty one said "Ohhh, YOU MEAN TODAY?"





What has a woman and a KFC got in common?

Once you have finished with the legs and breasts you've still got a greasy box to put your bone in!!!

lol hope none of the ladys take offence

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with really big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with really big tits?
Why kill a blonde with really big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder
and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one
would give a fuck about the 20 million Iraqis!"

bit harsh i know but i thought it was funny

ok so i guy goes 2 party and hears a beautiful piece of music b'n played on the piano, he asks the pianist what it is called, to which he replies 'u luv it in the arse u dirty slag!' the guy says 'u cant call a piece of music that'. the pianist says 'i wrote it i can call it whatever i want.'
he then playz another beautiful piece of music so the guy asks what this one is called he says ' u want it all over ur tits u filthy whore! ' the guy says 'ok i'm havin a party nx wk @ my house i'd luv it if u wud cum and play the paino 4 us... jus' promise u wont tell anyone the names of ur music! ' the pianist is glad 2 accept his offer!
so the nx wk he turns up @ the guys house an says 'jus b4 i start 2 play i need 2 hav a wank... i can't play the piano without havin a wank 1st!' so the guy says 'arite well go in the toilet and do ur business but hurry up!'
10 mins l8er the guy bangs on th toilet door an th pianist cums out... his hair is a mess his shirts hangin out he's got spunk all over his trousers, the guy says 'excuse me mate do u know ur hairs a mess an ur covered in spunk?!' the painist says ' know it i fuckin wrote it!' LOL!