Friday 12th of May was supposed to be the best weekend Iā??ve had in a very long time. Got my stuff together and joined 15 other mates to head off to Brighton for Jamieā??s stag do. Everything was planed, had been for a few months now.
Everything went fine, we all had an awesome time and we were all on a happy vibe.
I rang my girlfriend Friday evening as I knew she was off out to. Rang her to say I loved her and hope she had a nice time and updated her with the events we had done and what we was going to do later that evening. Well the night flew by; Brighton is such a beautiful city at night time.
Then Saturday I ring her again, no answer not even at the house. So I sent her a text asking how she was, say hi to the kids and that I miss her. Well it sort of along them lines. After a while she from home! Then the worst thing happens ever, my mobile starts to run out of battery power!! So I say good bye for now. Ok 5 to 10 minutes goes past and thatā??s it I canā??t take it any more, I ask a mate to use their mobile to call home. I ring her she answers in a nervous way. I ask her again what is wrong, please tell me. She says she has made a mistake, I said as in the same way as I made a mistake? Yes she answersā?¦
Then bang! My whole world comes to a stop; the busy road next to me is not loud enough to stop me from hearing my own heart beat uncontrollably! My hands start to sweat and my ear which I have the mobile to starts to burn up. For once in my life I am totally speechless, my mind has been stunned to the point I canā??t think for myself. I start to ask why, how, no, no, please no! She says she is not happy, not sure what she wants, come on you know we argue a lot. My anger, hate, frustration slowly starts to build, as imp thinking what a crap cop out! After a long argument and lots of mixed feeling and thoughts was said, I tell her to go fuck her self, I want my bags packed ready for me to collect as I wonā??t be staying in the same house as her. I then tell her i have never hated someone as much as her, tell to have a fucking nice life then hang the phone up!
After I pass the phone back to my best mate he asking all the questionsā?¦. What the hell was that all about? What do you mean tell her to have a nice life? What the bitch done to you!? I real off to him everything i am feeling and thinking. He then starts to say you want to hit that honey club or something? Want to get a drink? Adam immediately goes and grabs his weed! We hit the pier. Go to the same we watched the F.A. football. I grab a pint; down it in about five gulps then hit the toilets to skin up.
Then the texts start again. This time it gets a bit strong. Iā??m telling her I fucking hate her, sheā??s telling me my stuff will be on the lawn by 9pm. Then I receive numerous text from her telling me this not going to work, I canā??t see us getting through this. I try to compromise with her; tell her I had time to think. Do I really want to throw away 8 years, 3 kids and a beautiful girlfriend? She doesnā??t want to know. All I get is a negative stranger. My heart feels like its going to rip itself from my body. I stop texts and give her a call. We talk for sometime, not shouting or arguing, just talking. I start to pour my ripped heart out to her, she listens to me, but says it will not be the same when we face to face. I just wanted to hold, smell and kiss her! Iā??m begging her not to make up her mind without me, and ask her where all this is coming from.
We been on a rocky patch, do not want to hurt each other anymore. Iā??m thinking still has she planned this? How long has she seen this cunt, and they got each other mobile numbers? All sorts of crazy thoughts race through my mind. After some time I ask her one last time, do you really think there might be a very small chance we can fix things? Bit of a long pause, maybe yes I am not promising anything. Please come home so we can talk.
By this time i am really trying to calm the fuck down, I roll another, its going down a treat. Apart from my heart, itā??s still beating like a motherfucker! My arms still all wired with the adrenalin. Not sure what to think or feel about my girlfriend. I really want to hate her, make her feel the same way as I do. I try to cry but think to myself why should I cry for them bastards! No the crying stops, then I laugh. Well what comes around goes around I suppose. Six years ago I did this to her. Fucked on Jack Daniels and cocaine I met some dirty bitch in a pub. She had been rubbing my cock most of the night, well trying to. One thing lead to another, we ended up at her place not mine! We go to her place, crack open a bottle of shit whisky and put a movie on. Ha itā??s gone in 60 seconds, I like this film. She decides to go up stairs, sheā??s been quiet a while. Finally comes down in this tiny excuse for bed clothing and 2 more lines of coke all cut and ready to go.
Next thing I know my shirt it ripped off my back, I mean she really did rip it off my back. It was wild, sexy and no one had done that to me before. Ok so you know what happens next, 30ish minutes of crazy sex. Half way through we stop, she asks whatā??s wrong? I tell her about my family, she tells me why are you here with me? But I donā??t care carry on I wont mind. I tell her we been arguing and pissing each other off lately. She takes me in the kitchen, yes more sex. I finally wake the fuck up, push her off and tell the bitch to stop touching me! We start to argue, she tells me how you getting home safe? I am a bit confused until a walk past the mirror in her hallway. Fuck me I got at least 12 love bite round my neck. I laugh at her and tell her sheā??s a cleaver bitch, and then slam the door.
Six years later, i am feeling it, the same shit I put my girlfriend through. Who would of though! Fucked up if you ask me, what couple puts themselves through this shit? Love goes a very long way; if you truly love somebody with all your heart then you can make any mistake forgettable. You live and learn.
I am almost home now, I start to shake even more, really scared of knocking on my own door! Scared that we are going to fight and shout out stuff we donā??t really mean. I say goodbye to my mate, heā??s offered me to stay at his anytime.
I knock on the door and find my girlfriend all looking rough and tired. We sit in the front room in silence at first. Then we stare at each other, and then I start asking all the questions. She just keeps saying I donā??t know, I donā??t know. I want to cry but cant! We talk like adults; I ask the million dollar question. We can work this out? I donā??t want to throw away everything we have. For us and our 3 wonderful kids. She replies ok, this must be the last time. We canā??t keep hurting each other. We both agree. Thereā??s a huge weight off my shoulders, my heart starts to slow down. Not much but I canā??t feel it in my arms no more!
So after a while I go over to her and ask her for a hug. We hug for hours, slowly start to kiss each others cheek, no lips no tongues . We happy are like that, no pressure or jumping in the deep end.
I start to ask her about Friday night, where, when and how things where done. She tells me it was here, here in our own bed! This breaks me in half, of all the places they fuck in my bed, with our kids and a nephew asleep on the sofa down stairs! My blood is boiling, but I donā??t show it. I donā??t want to fight with her. The love and hate drug is kicking in every five minuets and not sure if I should stay here? So confused and ripped apart. How could she do this to me? I mean we were that unhappy, we had the odd row now and then, and she never wants to be seen with me in our local town. We hardly go out together. Iā??m starting to think I know why now. She flirts with men, a drunken, sexy girl flirting with other drunken men. Iā??m no rocket scientist but even I know thatā??s not the best thing to do when you have been in an 8 year relationship with 3 kids.
Then she tells me she kicked him out because Charlotte had been woken up by these fuckers! Bless her she text her mum "get that man out of Dustinā??s place" at this point Iā??m still gob smacked! Who could do this to their child? Who would risk this? This really upsets me, sometimes I could just walk. But I love her so much I canā??t just walk.
So we have a break from it all, she just lying there next to me hugging me and stroking me. Iā??m kind of happy as I still have apart of my girl. But at the same time I could easily burn this bedroom down. I canā??t wait to detoxify the fucker, clean it like a hospital, and change all the furniture round. The room needs change! We cuddle most of the day; still not one row has come up. Then she decides we have a bath, I thought for a second could I see her naked again? Do I really want to? Yes, we soon in the bath relaxing, talking and i am stroking her back. We get out together, dry off them back to the bedroom. I see her lying there, wet hair and all soft as she just shaven. I cant help myself, we kiss properly for the 1st time. It was wonderful, long, deep and romantic kiss. Then I find myself down on her. At 1st I was in a world of love, but then it kicked in! What if I cant make her happy anymore? Will I turn her on? My penis suddenly flops and thereā??s no feeling there. She canā??t see this as I am lying down. She stops moaning, this drives me crazy, but I keep trying. I need to know if I can make her cum or just feel sexy kind of thing. But how can I do this if I canā??t get hard? I am scared to death at this point. So I stop and go to kiss her face, she grabs my penis, man did that feel good! I was hard in no time, I wasnā??t hanging around we was having sex in no time. It felt like we was teenagers again, like the 1st time we ever had sex. Well I was feeling this vibe anyway. I could tell she was not on the same page as me, but we knew this had to be done. I cum in a matter of minutes. She then bursts into tears. I can relate why, this didnā??t bother me as such. I mean it didnā??t make me feel small, I cuddle her and said try not to worry baby. After time I eventually cuddle her to sleep.
Now the pain returns, I cant sleep, how can I? They fucked in the same place as im trying to get comfortable. My heart still not stopped racing from the 1st phone call we had. I leave the room, go down stairs to skin up. Maybe weed can put me to sleep, 6 joints later no joy. Iā??m still all confused, cut up and wondering what they did that night. Do I really want to know?
She wakes me from the sofa the next morning. Asking why I slept down here. I just walk past and go up to the bedroom. We stay in bed cuddling and talking for a good hour. I try to have sex with, I read all the body language shes giving, I can tell she donā??t want to. Ok I can understand in a way why she donā??t. So I never actually asked her to have sex. But thatā??s all I want us to do, I need to get my girl back. Knowing that cunt has been inside her drives me nuts. Would do to any man I guess.
She leaves for work. Oh how lonely was I, I wanted to try and cry but couldnā??t! Till I spoke to my mum, I had to talk to someone. Soon as I told her I was in bits, I cried for a good 20 minuets. Felt really good to cry again. She gave me some good advise " best thing to do son is ask her to tell you everything " We speak for some time, but shes at work and cant talk forever.
All I do for rest of the day is wonder, should I ask her? Do I really want to know what that cunt did to my girl? Ah what do I do? Its killing me inside not knowing, so I send the text to her mobile, "we need to talk" I want to know everything please. I'll take in on the chin, I see it as the quickiest way to recover, get it over and done with. So I stew for the rest of the day, till I go pick up my kids from school. This 1st time I have seen them all weekend. So excited, cant wait to see their little faces. Dominic comes is out 1st, he runs up to me to with a big grin shouts out my name and we hug and kiss. Heā??s soon off to play with his mates as we still have to wait for charlotte. What she going to be like? Scared, unhappy and confused? I see her as she runs round the corner, we have eye contact she drops everything in her hand and runs to me. I have tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat. I donā??t let it all out, there are too many people about, donā??t want any type of rumors going round the school. We hold each other very tightly and we both ask if we had a good weekend. Then after im home with all the kids I take charlotte upstairs for a talk. Told her to try forgetting what happened Friday, itā??s not your fault, please donā??t hate mummy forever. We have a really nice talk, she knows only what I know, and then the rest is up to her mum.
Im feeling a bit better know I have spoken to charlotte.
My girlfriend walks in the house, hi everyone and a few kisses. I pick her up she wraps her legs round me and I carry upstairs. Damn her ass feels good! We lay on the bed start to talk. She mentions the text I sent her about me wanting to know everything. So I ask the questions, only ones I really need to know.
Wear a rubber? Yes. You have any type of oral? No. Did you have an orgasm? No. Wow that lifts a lot of stress from me, for a moment I feel like a new man! I even crack a joke about it, ha that sounded like a shit shag, she says well it was the best, no way. We just cuddle, I want to cry but canā??t. Have dinner, I still canā??t eat. Not eaten since Sunday morning, no urge for food at all. Kids in be, we have another bath together. I love our baths, been such a long time since we did this. Too long. So back on the bed, all wet and im needing to be inside her. I need to know two things, can a get an erection on my own with her and can I still make her orgasm? A ask her for sex, shes not to sure. I get scared, she blowing me out? Or ah I donā??t know! We get in bed, within 5 minuets we are kissing hard, groping every part of her body. All the hairs on my body stand to attention so does my penis, thereā??s the 1st question answered! Soon after the 2nd question is answered im so happy. To see that look on her face is awesome. We both shattered, she needs to be up early next day. So we put a film on I cuddle her to sleep again. Then the pain kicks in again! I just want her again; need to sleep but cant horrible thoughts still in my head. I get up to roll a joint, see if that helps me. No still canā??t sleep in this bed, oh what do you do? Get a new bed? Hope this feeling goes away? Still cant sleep!
I start to write this letter out. It helps to talk, get it off my chest. I wonā??t people to read this and hopefully learn something from it. If not well at least I tried. Not just for that reason anyway, I like to write things down, I can show this to my girlfriend and she can see what im really feeling. No arguing or shouting, just deep thoughts. So I think im done im off out to have a great day with a mate. Be good to get out this town!
Last thing can you really trust anyone? If the most important person in your life does something like this, who can you trust?
Love and Hate the most powerful drug I know to man!
Peace