New Joke Thread

A man walks into a night club one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One cent?!" exclaims the man.

So the man glances over at the menu and asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replies.
"Four cents?" exclaims the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business." :D

Ha that was jokes!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to
sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue.
"Eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days
and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." ;)

The Queen was visiting one of London's top teaching hospitals; she specified that she wanted to see absolutely everything.

During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient
was wanking.
"Oh my God !,", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry Your Majesty, but
this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following his
consultant's orders.
His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling.
Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die a painful death."

"I'm so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a blow-job .
"Oh no ! ", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA." :D

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers. :D

What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?


Putting her back in her wheelchair when you're done... :eek:





This one may get me shot or something, but please, take it with a grain of salt, IT IS JUST A JOKE.

What do 800,000 abused women have in common?

They just don't fucking listen!

How are females like hurricanes?
They come in screaming, and take your house when they leave.:D

Heard of the new sandwich at Mickey D's?
It's the McJackson. 46 year old meat in between 11 year old buns.

BUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh, the good ole days, of sitting down, eating cheetos, watching porn, wondering why my penis is orange.

lmao Lola!! :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by heartsurgerysurviver

Ahhhhhhhh, the good ole days, of sitting down, eating cheetos, watching porn, wondering why my penis is orange.

---

lol lol

haahahahahah u mean lulu not lola wtf one track minds around here..


anywho lulu hehe love them babe i needed a good laugh :D:D:D:D:D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GHoSToKeR

lmao Lola!!

---

oooops, sorry Lulu :)

For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth
control!

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: "Things
I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.

2 If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing. One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy xxxxx! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

... "A Pirate & Land-Lubber Conversation"
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"


-Jim

LMAO LULU U ROCK MY WORLD :D:D