Funny ass jokes thread...

Ok I'll start it off....
Q: Anyone try the new Michael Jackson burger at McDonalds yet? Its got 44 year old meat between 5 year old buns!!!!


:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Why did Helen Kellers dog kill itself?


You would too if your name was "mmmppfhrrredsanfjhfeu!!!!!"

Why was Helen Kellers leg yellow?

Her dog was blind too

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

you guys to burnt to add a damn joke? Man this site has such potential...try actually posting shit...

you may not appreciate this one
man to god: why did you make women so beautiful?
god to man: so that you would love her.
man to god: then why did you make women so dumb?
god to man: So that she would love you.

man: i gotta strawberry stuck up my ass doc.
doctor: i've got some cream for that

A guy walks into a jewelry store with this hot blonde. He says to the jeweler, I want to see your finest piece. The jewler brings out this $1,000 bracelet. The guy says, "I don't think you understand, I want to see your finest piece of jewelry." The jewler says okay, and brings back this beautiful $5,000 necklace. The man irritated at this point, repeats his request. "I want to see your FINEST piece of jewelry you have in this damn place." The jewler goes back to the safe, brings out this exquisite $10,000 diamond ring.

The man writes to jewler a check and says, "Now, I know what your are going to think, that the check is bad. That's why I'm going to leave the check, and the ring with you. Come monday morning when the check clears, I'll be in to get the ring." The jewler is ecstatic and says absolutely and thanks the man for his business.

Come monday, the jewler calls the man and says furiously, "What the hell, the check didn't clear, you didn't have any money for that ring!" The man replies, "I know, but I had one hell of a weekend!"

im not quite feeling that, what exactly did he do?

Maybe it was a girl he just met and wanted to sleep with over the weekend..? It could be his gf though.

how do u know a blonds having a bad day

she has a tampon tucked under her ear and cant find her pencil

a bear an a rabbit are taking a shit in the forest, and the bears asks the rabbit "dont you hate it when you get shit in your fur?" the rabbit replies "never had it happen." so the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass.

im jewish so im allowed to say this shit so no disrespect to any other jews here

What happend when a jew with a boner walks into a wall?


He breaks his nose hahahahahahahahaa

You know jewish people have big noses

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?.. A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

What did the man with the 2foot cock have for breakfast?.. This morning I had a boiled egg!

2 blondes either side of a river...one calls out to the other hello there how do i get to the otherside?

The other blonde replys...your on the other side boom! boom! :hippy:

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes have rolled back in his head . The other man whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:' my friend is dead ! what can i do ?' the operator ,in a calm soothing soothing voice says 'just take it easy i can help, first , let's make sure he's dead' There is a silence and then a shot is heard, the guy's voice comes back on to the line and says :' O K, now what ?

Most of these were funny, some of them retarded.

Michael Jackson was see at Wal-Mart last weekend... He heard little boys' pants were half-off... :o

fucking halarious

Why do tweekers like to do it doggy style?
So they both can look out the window.

ok a lil bo is walin down a ol' dirt road with a hand full of chicken wire.
he walks past a ol' mans store, the ol' man sitting out side yells "whatcha doin with the chicken wire?"
little boy replies catchin some chickens at the lake, old amn looks at him funny and says "you cant catch chicken with chinken wire!"
little boy says proudly "watch me."
little boy walks off.
later that day the little boy walks back with chicken wire filled with chicken, th ol' man says "how'd you catch those chicken?" little boy replies "come with me next time."
about a month later the boy walks down the same road past the same ol' store with some duck tape, ol' man says "whatcha doin now with all the duck tape?"
the little boy says "come with me and youll see me catch some ducks!"
the ol' man laughs and says "you cant catch ducks with duck tape."
little boy proudly says once again "watch me."
ol' man sits tight puffin his pipe.
about 5 years later the boy is walkin down the same ol' road past the same ol' shop with a arm full of pots and a arm full of pussy willows.
the ol' man looks at the boy hops up and yells "Let me get my hat!"