seriously tense

I smoke daily.
My good friend, whom I will refer to as Miss Jane, also smokes daily. We get along well because of the bud culture, we both have 15 y/o sons who are only children, and we like the same types of music and poetry. We're best friends.

Well, the other day she called me and was very upset, asking me to come over and talk with her.

The night prior, her son admitted to her that he smokes. She handled it OK, and asked if he had anything illegal in his bedroom, and if so, he needed to get rid of it and she advised him to stop smoking until he was out of school.

I think she handled it quite well. She knows he still going to smoke, but she isn't going to condone it, nor will she police it.

Then, the kid brought down his stash and a small glass bowl. She made him put it on her desk and they all went to bed. By the next morning, it was gone, she asked her son where it was, and he casually told her: "Oh, I took it to sell it to my friend."

WHAAAAAAT!!!!???!
Does anyone else think that this is crossing the line? I mean: the boy could get arrested for this behavior. It could easily effect the rest of his life in a very negative way. Aside from all the social labeling, he could possibly have a permanent legal record and get college apps rejected on that basis. How do you tell your experimenting kids that it's better to smoke than to get alcohol or cigs or pills, but you better not BUY it.

I really feel horrible for my friend and I have no idea of what to tell her. Any advice from you, Dear Reader, is greatly appreciated.

Well for one, he's most likely not going to get arrested even if he was caught red handed selling it. My brother (16) was caught selling, they still havn't charged him but they have charged another minor that he knows. It ends up coming off the record at 18 and besides a fine, the minor will go to a drug class.

but I agree that kids shouldn't smoke until their legally adults.

Sounds like she's lost control over her 15 year old son...:(

The next 3 years could be a slippery slope. You know how this state is?...no tolerance.

i think your friend handled the situation correctly, but the kid crossed the line taking it to sell. but if kids weren't stupid they wouldn't be anything at all lol. but the fact that he admitted to it and brought his stash to her, i dont think theres much to worry about, but its a parents job to worry.

Most 15 yaer old "KIDS" think they know it all,that they're the original generation,and that everyone else is FKN stupid...That would sum me up at that age...I was in a group home at that age...I hope everthing works out with your friend and her son...

*NO THREAD-JACKING INTENDED*
DTRave- i work in a group home, and i must congratulate and admire you for being able to get on and move past it. i've seen so many people move out, then just get shoved to the next placement. it can be a very sad field to work in, but DAMN, is it rewarding.

+REP for that alone

-GG84

Who here didn't smoke pot when they were 15?

He probably just sold it to a friend so I really wouldnt stress about it and no I really dont see it as crossing the line. If he was selling mass amounts then that wold be another story. There is really only so much a parent can do for their children and when they try to do too much it oftens backfires.
The problem her son probably has is seeing that his mother smokes and that he sees her being a hypocrite. The best advice I can really give is just to have a loving conversation and NOT to treat him like a child when doing so. He's going to continue smoking so its something she's probably just going to have to deal with

I appreciate everyone's input, and there is a bit more to that.

My first reaction is that if he were arrested, it could seriously harm him getting into a good college. When I said this to my friend (his mother), she sort of scoffed and said that he isn't currently going to school and they're looking into an online / home school program for him. He is also smoking cigs openly and my friend (his mother) has noticed several bottles missing from her bar. She has no idea how long they've been missing, because she really doesn't drink often, the bar is mostly for show and for guests.

It scares the hell out of me b/c we also have a son that age.
He knows we smoke. We don't do it indoors (lovely garden), and we don't do it in front of him, but we will ask him to step inside for a moment while we smoke. It's the most respectful and least hypocritical method we've found thus far. (any suggestions on that one are fully welcome!)

but the school thing really bothers me. And the selling. And the cigarettes. It's just a terrible recipe for an otherwise really great kid. bottom line: his mom is so concerned with being "cool" that she's allowing him to get away with FAR TOO MUCH, and like I said: he's generally a damn good kid.
Yeah, it will go away from his record when he turns 18, maybe, maybe not. There are administrative glitches that have FKD some lives up forever. Colleges will see it. His future GF's fathers will see it. Nothing really "goes away", it just becomes harder to find.

I don't want to overstep my bounds with this friend and tell her to buckle down on her son, but it seems that is the only thing to do. Plus: I don't want MY son associating with him until this is a little bit out of his system or my son catches up to his experience levels.

It's a tense, weird situation. :wtf:
All advice is very welcome.

^ That is kinda sad. I mean, I never understood that kind of raising. The best way to raise a child is with a belt, that's how I was raised, and that's how I'm going to raise my kid if/when I have one (assuming it's a boy, but a girl with discipline no doubt). You teach your child respect through physical discipline, and teach him to be a man, and in the end they will respect you. Why not tell the dad to administer some physical discipline, or is he not alive? My advice would be discipline, discipline, discipline, and if she can't do that, send him to a private military school, is there and kind of school like that in this country that takes in teenagers? I'm not a parent, but I can tell you from experience, subject a child to real kind of discipline and he'll become a man before your eyes. I'd look into that military academy thing, but I think maybe you and your friend would find that a bit too harsh. Just trying to help.

Well, yes, I do think that the military school would be a bit harsh, and also expensive for the mother. There is a father figure, but the mom runs the roost. The boy is now doing home schooling online, hopefully it will work out for them.
And I can't agree with you more on the fact that children, boys especially, it seems, need to be physically disciplined. My son is the same age as the boy we're discussing, and he doesn't act that way. Maybe it's b/c my son has had an ass whipping a time or two? I'm not sure. Like I said in my original post: It's a very tense situation.

Another thing: my husband and I are debating weather or not to cut off contact with this other family. We have a teenager of our own and although we've been honest with him about the legal, physical, metaphysical, and spiritual effects of MJ, we don't want him to be around it with other teens. Are we hypocrites? Or, rather, just trying to give our boy the best possible education?

Well I know this is late, but..
I think it can be taken as hypocritical. You said your son doesn't act like that..have you noticed the same things? Does he smoke cigarettes and steal your booze?
Honestly I'd agree with your perception that this boy is getting away with a bit too much. When I was 15 I didn't fully understand the love/caring that my parents were giving me...or how much I'd depend on that the rest of my life. Most 15 year olds don't realize this..
The first thing I thought when reading about the other boy bringing his stash down from his room with his pipe, was that if it were me and my parents let me go upstairs and bring down my stash to give, i'd give em a couple grams while I had an ounce or more upstairs...catch the drift?
You don't have to go all fascist on them, but you at least might want to watch him give you the stash? I'd say that's only smart.
For all she knows there's a ton of stuff up there with it. And most likely more than the bit he handed over.
Just two cents.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mjmomma

Well, yes, I do think that the military school would be a bit harsh, and also expensive for the mother. There is a father figure, but the mom runs the roost. The boy is now doing home schooling online, hopefully it will work out for them.
And I can't agree with you more on the fact that children, boys especially, it seems, need to be physically disciplined. My son is the same age as the boy we're discussing, and he doesn't act that way. Maybe it's b/c my son has had an ass whipping a time or two? I'm not sure. Like I said in my original post: It's a very tense situation.

Another thing: my husband and I are debating weather or not to cut off contact with this other family. We have a teenager of our own and although we've been honest with him about the legal, physical, metaphysical, and spiritual effects of MJ, we don't want him to be around it with other teens. Are we hypocrites? Or, rather, just trying to give our boy the best possible education?

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It sounds to me like the reason your son is more well behaved is that you give him a good deal of respect. If he is not already smoking cigarettes or drinking it's most likely because you've educated him respectfully, and not dictatorially, of the adverse affects of this kind of behavior. It is for this reason that I would advise you not cut off contact with the other family to keep your son away from another kid his age who is doing something that you don't approve of. This kind of action is only going to promote your son to see you as controlling his life and his options, and not trying to let him make the correct informed decision for himself. It was when I was fifteen that my mother found out I was smoking, but she decided to let me smoke as much as I wanted and with her instead of reprimanding my actions. This is, in my opinion, one of the best things that has ever happened in regards to my relationship with my mother, and it gave me much more respect for her, in that I was no longer viewing her as a dictator, and I no longer had anything to hide anything from her. Although I think I was more mature at fifteen than most of my peers, this has strongly influenced my opinion of how a child should be raised. I think that if you raise a child to be able to make the right decision, and then don't let them make their own decisions, it will only influence them to make the wrong decision. The fact is, that a child is going to decide for themselves, regardless of what you want for them, and letting them know that you trust them and have faith in their ability to decide based on the information they have, is the best way to let their independence blossom.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mjmomma

I smoke daily.
My good friend, whom I will refer to as Miss Jane, also smokes daily. We get along well because of the bud culture, we both have 15 y/o sons who are only children, and we like the same types of music and poetry. We're best friends.

Well, the other day she called me and was very upset, asking me to come over and talk with her.

The night prior, her son admitted to her that he smokes. She handled it OK, and asked if he had anything illegal in his bedroom, and if so, he needed to get rid of it and she advised him to stop smoking until he was out of school.

I think she handled it quite well. She knows he still going to smoke, but she isn't going to condone it, nor will she police it.

Then, the kid brought down his stash and a small glass bowl. She made him put it on her desk and they all went to bed. By the next morning, it was gone, she asked her son where it was, and he casually told her: "Oh, I took it to sell it to my friend."

WHAAAAAAT!!!!???!
Does anyone else think that this is crossing the line? I mean: the boy could get arrested for this behavior. It could easily effect the rest of his life in a very negative way. Aside from all the social labeling, he could possibly have a permanent legal record and get college apps rejected on that basis. How do you tell your experimenting kids that it's better to smoke than to get alcohol or cigs or pills, but you better not BUY it.

I really feel horrible for my friend and I have no idea of what to tell her. Any advice from you, Dear Reader, is greatly appreciated.

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sounds a bit like me, I turned out SHIT! na only kidding, :D

More like that lil kid took his shit back smok it and then played innocent hahaha

like I said, a bit like me :D "give me that shit back - so i can smok it!" In my experience this is what kids are like at that age, some adults are like that loll! What can we say? :) Goodluck with it and try not to worry too much we were all that age, and probly doing the same shit, right, right??


Peace,
Denial

PS: sorry just re-read what you said after your first post, it sounds more complicated and what i just said might seem insensitive.. I'd agree sorry !! but but but, when dealing with 15 year olds, it's hard to take it/them seriously!!!

Your friend really needs to make sure her son understands what it is he's doing and what impact that could have on his future. has she asked him what he wants from his future maybe his ideas and hers differ. has anyone found out if he actually wants to go to college, i know education is vitaly important but for some its role comes to an end sooner than for others and some need or want to do something different.

it is important that your friend understands that she cannot control or change his behaviour all she can ensure is that he understands what he's doing and support him where she can.

on the issue of smoking, drinking etc i think if he understands the possible consiquences there is nothing more she can do, and to remember that he's a 15 year old boy and he will grow up and although some kids go down the wrong path many teens who have behaved the same as her son in their youth grew up and grew out of alot of those things.